MEET THE FLINTSONS

Part One: The Great Piccolo

by Magnes

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Special thanks to Lady Artist for riding my butt to get this finished and to Mia for beta reading!

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(It's quitting time at the quarry.  The foreman checks the sundial on his wrist, then steps over to a long-billed bird on a perch and yanks its tail.)

BIRD: YEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!

(Over on his brontosaurus, Goku Flintson's head pops out of the canopy on the dinosaur's back, and with a huge grin and a happy shout he jumps out and slides down the dinosaur's back and along his tail, ending at a run across the quarry.  He's drawn a little heavier than usual and he's wearing a shapeless orange outfit with big black triangles scattered all over it.  Music starts.)

Flintson's!
Meet the Flintson's!
They're a stone age Saiyan family!
From the
Town of Bedrock,
They're an episode of DBZ!
Let's fly
With the family down the street,
Through the
Courtesy of Goku's Ki!
When you're
With the Flintson's
You'll have a Yabba Dabba Do Time,
A Dabba Do time
You'll have a gay old time!

 (At the time clock, Goku is joined by his best friend and next door neighbor, Krillen Rubble.  Krillen is wearing an equally shapeless get-up, only his is brown.  As they put their time cards in the alligator's mouth to punch out, their boss and owner of the quarry, Mr. Vegeta Vegita, is watching.  He's in a blue shapeless thing, only he gets to wear a collar and a tie and as always, he's grumpy, cranky, and snappish.)

KRILLEN: Hey, hey, Goku!  Need a ride to the meeting tonight?

GOKU: Sure!  Oh, hiya, Mr. Vegita!

VEGETA (glaring): What?  What do you mean by that, Flintson?  How dare you call me Vegeta!  That's Vegita to you!

(Goku has gone through this numerous times and he knows just what to do.)

GOKU: Oh, no, Mr. Vegita, I didn't call you Vegeta, I called you Vegita, Mr. Vegita.

(Vegeta's eyes narrow, trying to figure out if he's somehow been insulted and finally deciding Flintson hasn't got enough working brain cells to actually come up with an insult.)

VEGETA: Well, see that you don't, Flintson.

ALLIGATOR: Oh, brother!

KRILLEN: Hey, Mr. Vegita, are you going to that costume ball tomorrow night?

VEGETA: Oh, no!  That's tomorrow?  Blast!  Yes, my wife threatened to cook me dinner if I don't go.

GOKU: Hey, that's great!

VEGETA: You think it's great that I'm being threatened with a stegosaurus roast? And Brussels sprouts?

GOKU: No, Mr. Vegita, that you're going!  I'm bringing Chi-Chi and Krillen's bringing Eighteen.  We'll see you there!

VEGETA: Hopefully not.  I can't think of a worse way to spend a night than dressed as a lizard at some stupid dance.

KRILLEN: Well, have a good night!

GOKU: See you at the ball!

VEGETA: Get out of here before I terminate the pair of you.

(A hapless, nameless employee punches out behind them.)

HAPLESS, NAMELESS EMPLOYEE: Hiya, Mr. Vegita!

VEGETA: What? What do you mean by that?

 ~~*~~

(At the Flintson residence: a low, one story house made of white stone with large windows, a stone wall all around, and a path up to the front door.  Goku opens the door.)

GOKU: Chi-Chi, I'm hoooommme!

(He dodges out of the way as Higher Dragon, their spotted dinosaur equivalent of a dog, comes barreling out the door chasing that saber tooth tiger that kept popping up in the Saiyan Saga.  Both circle around and pounce on Goku, licking his face before tearing off into the yard.  Goku sits up in the doorway as his son, Gohan, comes running after the pets on his short legs.  Gohan is wearing an over-the-shoulder loincloth configuration, his Dragon Ball hat, and is dragging a club the same size as him.  He also has a tail.   He sees Goku and pounces as well, laughing.)

GOHAN: Daddy!

GOKU: Hey, Gohan!

GOHAN: Daddy, look!

(He picks up Goku with one hand.)

GOKU: Not bad!

(Chi-Chi, in a white dress and apron and with a choker of large white stones around her neck comes out of the dining room, smiling.  Behind her is a miniature pinkish mastodon that she's been using to vacuum.)

GOKU (still airborne): Hi, honey!

CHI-CHI: Gohan, you put your daddy down.  Dinner is almost ready.  We have bronto burgers on the grill.

GOKU: All right!

(He lets Gohan set him upright and gives his wife a peck on the cheek.)

CHI-CHI: I have your hat all brushed for the meeting tonight and Eighteen and I are taking the children to the park after dinner.

GOKU: Let's eat!

 ~~*~~

 (Hours later, Goku and Krillen are leaving the monthly Water Buffalo Club meeting. Both are dressed as before but now they also sport tall, furry blue buzbees with horns.  Goku's hair sticks out at weird(er) angles than before  and Krillen has never been taller.  Goku's father-in-law and the Water Buffalo president, the Ox King (who comes with his own built-in horns) is seeing them to Krillen's car.)

OX KING: I'm still trying to decide if I want to go as an army guy or the tooth fairy.

KRILLEN (diplomatically): Mmm...tough choice, Ox King.

OX KING: Well, boys, see you tomorrow!

GOKU: G'night!

(They pile into Krillen's car and start heading home.  As they approach an intersection the monkey on the street light, just to be a smart-alec, switches the sign and makes them stop.)

GOKU: He did that on purpose.

(Suddenly there's a small flash of light right in front of Goku's nose and hovering in the air before him is an eight-inch high little green guy dressed as an Arabic linebacker.  His arms are folded and he looks impatient.  And ticked off.)

GOKU and KRILLEN: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

MONKEY (who can't see what they're screaming at): Sheesh, it hasn't been THAT long, guys!

GREEN GUY: Shut up.

(They clamp up, staring wide-eyed at the apparition.)

GOKU:  W-wha-who are you?  W-what do you want?

GREEN GUY: I'm the Great Piccolo.  As to what I want, I want to get out of here.  Unfortunately, I can't just yet, so I'm forced to deal with you and your short friend here.

MONKEY: Hey, you jerks can go now!

(Piccolo whirls at the interruption and sends a blast of energy at the monkey, singeing its hair and knocking it off the light pole.)

KRILLEN: I think I'd better pull over...

(He parks the car.  Piccolo moves along with it, somehow managing to hover right at Goku's eye level the entire time.  Goku is nearly cross-eyed with the effort of staring at him.)

GOKU: Wow.  You're really little.  What are you?  Where'd you come from?

PICCOLO: I'm a Namek, I'm from the future, and don't let my size fool you.

KRILLEN: What do you want with us?

PICCOLO: I was sent back in time to keep you from doing anything so stupid we couldn't correct it in the future.

(That impresses them.  They stare some more.)

GOKU: Like what?

PICCOLO: Getting killed.

KRILLEN (eyes wide and round): Oooooh.

GOKU: Uh...

PICCOLO: Take off those stupid hats.

GOKU: Huh?  Oh, sure.  Uh...Piccolo, who sent you?

PICCOLO: An overgrown blue cockroach that wears John Lennon glasses and tells the worst jokes in the universe.  His name is King Kai.

(Goku and Krillen exchange a long look.)

GOKU: Wow.  That really IS scary.

PICCOLO: You have no idea.

KRILLEN: Why?

PICCOLO: You're going to save the world, Goku.

(Goku and Krillen gape, then burst out laughing.)

PICCOLO: Shut up.

(They shut up.)

PICCOLO: First off, Goku, you were born on another planet, named Vegeta-

KRILLEN: Hey, that's our boss' name!

PICCOLO: He was born there, too.  You two are the last remnants of the Saiyan race.

GOKU (laughing in relief): I'm not from another planet!  I was born here!

PICCOLO: You were found here, Einstein.  Got a kid?

GOKU: Yeah, a son.

PICCOLO: He got a tail?

GOKU: Uh....yeah...

PICCOLO (to Krillen): Is that normal?

KRILLEN: Uh, well, not really.  I mean, we're all still evolving and all but I thought Gohan's tail came from Chi-Chi's side of the family...I mean, her dad is the OX King...

GOKU: You mean....

PICCOLO: Yeah, Goku, you're an import, just like me.

GOKU: So....what does this all mean?

PICCOLO: There's an evil force bent on wiping you off the face of this planet and it's heading here fast.  King Kai sent me here to stop you from getting killed, maybe even kill IT.

GOKU: It?  It what?

PICCOLO: Freiza.

KRILLEN: Freeze a what?

PICCOLO: No, Krillen, Freiza.  Its name is Freiza.

GOKU: What is it?

PICCOLO: A short white lizard with too much lipstick and a bad attitude.

KRILLEN: Worse than Mr. Vegita?

PICCOLO: That paint brush boss of yours is an amateur.  Freiza will wipe out the entire population to get to you two and Vegeta.  And your kids.

KRILLEN: B-but there's four thousand people on Earth!  Freiza can't kill them all!

PICCOLO: Before breakfast, Krillen.

KRILLEN: Oh, man!

(Goku leans forward, gazing at the eight-inch action figure.)

GOKU: Why?

PICCOLO: They want the planet and the Dragon Balls.

GOKU: You're serious, aren't you?

PICCOLO: As a Spirit Bomb.

KRILLEN: When they getting here?

PICCOLO: King Kai gave me one year.

GOKU: What can we do?

PICCOLO: What you were born to do.

(Krillen Rubble and Goku Flintson exchange an incredulous, dumbfounded look, clearly sharing the same thought.)

GOKU: We're gonna EAT him?

(Piccolo smacks his head in disgust.)

PICCOLO: No!  Fight!

GOKU (laughing): We can't fight!  We don't know how!

PICCOLO: Yet.

KRILLEN: Nnnnnn...why do I NOT like the sound of that?

PICCOLO: The quarry.  Now.

 ~~*~~

(By the light of the moon, Goku, Krillen and the mini Piccolo assemble in Vegeta's quarry.  All is silent.  It's close to midnight.  Goku and Krillen have zero clue.)

PICCOLO: Now, Goku, concentrate.  Think of power, an internal power that you can control.  Pay attention, Krillen!

GOKU (gamely): Okay.

PICCOLO: Do it!  Bring you hands together...imagine the power flowing through your hands in the form of a beam of energy.

GOKU (humoring him): Uh-huh.

PICCOLO: Now, direct the energy outwards, towards that wall!

(SHOOM!  A blast of blue-white energy flies from Goku's hands and smacks into the wall, knocking Goku and Krillen on their cans and reducing a chunk of the wall to gravel.  They stare, floored.)

KRILLEN: Oooooh, wow.

(Goku holds his head in awe.)

PICCOLO: Don't shoot yourself.

(Piccolo continues to coach Goku and after a little while Goku gets the hang of it and starts blowing up things on his own.  Satisfied, Piccolo calls a halt for a few minutes so Goku can get over his shock.)

PICCOLO: Okay, good.  You can attack.  You'll have to name it now.  Something easy to remember.

GOKU: Fred.

PICCOLO: No.  Something with a rhythm that will give you time to power up.

(Goku starts rattling off words and phrases to find one the Namek won't veto.)

GOKU: Kamehameha...uh, no...Oh mighty Isis.  Pink Spiral Heart Attack-

PICCOLO: No.

GOKU: Scooby Dooby Doo.  Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah-

PICCOLO: Wrong series.

GOKU: Spoon.  Yo, Joe.  Shazam.  Bird Go.  Thundercats Ho!

PICCOLO: No, no, no, no.

KRILLEN: Goku, buddy, keep it simple.  How about Yabba Dabba?

PICCOLO (under his breath): Said the monkey to the chimp.

(Goku sparks at the suggestion.)

GOKU: Hey, yeah!  Yabba Dabba!

PICCOLO: Do you mean to t-

GOKU: Do!  Even better!  Yabba Dabba Do!  Piccolo, you're a genius!

PICCOLO (to himself): No, I'm just damned.

GOKU: Yabba...Dabba...DO!

(He shoots a beam of energy at the quarry wall.  When the light fades, the wall is pretty much gone and they have their work cut out for them on Monday morning.)

GOKU (staring at his hands): Wow.

PICCOLO: Krillen, you're up.

 ~~*~~

(Saturday night and the Halloween costume ball.  Everyone is there.  Krillen and Eighteen are dressed in striped prisoner outfits.  Goku and Chi-Chi are dressed as gangsters.  Vegeta is in a Frieza costume (though he doesn't know it at the time) and Bulma is a butterfly.  The Ox King finally settled on the tooth fairy ensemble and Master Roshi is wandering around dressed as El Kabong.  Yamcha, with a total lack of imagination, is in his baseball uniform.  Tien and Chaotzu came as themselves, as does Baba.  Oolong (who at this point isn't a modern pig but a wild boar AND a wild bore complete with tusks) is dressed as a cat and Puar is dressed as a pig.  It's all very stone age chic and fancy.  The band on the stage is the Bedrock Rockers with Rhodesia Ridgeback as lead singer.  It's a slow dance right now and just about every couple but one are on the dance floor.)

VEGETA (yanking off the head of his costume): Ugh!  Why are we here?

BULMA (threateningly): To have a good time!

(Vegeta stares at her.)

VEGETA: You have GOT to be kidding.

BULMA: You're the only one on this planet that doesn't know how to have fun, Vegeta!

VEGETA: Thank you.

(She stomps off and claims the startled Yamcha for a dance.  Vegeta rolls his eyes and goes to get more punch.  Goku and Krillen are there tanking up on bug juice.)

GOKU: Hiya, Mr. Vegita!

VEGETA: What?  What is it, Flintson?

GOKU: Well, I know this is hard to believe, but this little green Namek named Piccolo appeared to us the other day from the future and he said you and I are Saiyans from another planet called Vegeta and you, Krillen and I were going to save the earth from a little white lizard named Freiza.  How about that?

KRILLEN: Pretty wild, huh?

(Vegeta gazes up at him in shocked amazement.)

VEGETA: You're fired, Flintson.

GOKU (in disbelief): Wha-?

VEGETA: And take Rubble with you.

KRILLEN: Huh?

(Vegeta stomps away, leaving them in ruins.  Pleased with himself, he goes and shoves Yamcha away from Bulma and actually dances with her a few minutes.  Meanwhile, Goku and Krillen haven't moved.)

KRILLEN: Fired?