MEET THE FLINTSONS

Part three: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

by Magnes

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Special thanks to Lady Artist and Mia!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A year has passed.  Goku, Krillen, and Vegeta have trained tirelessly under Piccolo's tutelage, though it never occurred to any of them to fill their wives in on what they were doing and why they were spending every waking moment at work.  Piccolo is actually pleased with their progress and has upped their survival expectancy against Freiza from fifteen seconds to a good twelve minutes.)

KRILLEN: Hey, Piccolo, don't forget we've all got to go to that costume party tonight.

0VEGETA (acting like he's being tortured, which in a way he is): That's tonight?!

GOKU: Didn't Bulma remind you, Mr. Vegita?  It IS her dinner party...

VEGETA: Precisely.  Why do I have to be there?

GOKU: Because you want to stay married?

VEGETA: Says who, Flintson?

PICCOLO: We don't have time!

KRILLEN: We don't get a choice!  Eighteen promised to kneecap me if I'm not home by five.

GOKU: Chi-chi said she'd never cook for me again.  I could starve!

PICCOLO: Saiyan appetites...Freiza will be here any time and you three want to go play.  Disgusting.

VEGETA: I don't want to go.

GOKU: Tough.

~~*~~

(Another stone age costume ball.  Bulma is in her socialite glory as the Good Witch of the North, whacking people with her magic wand.  Vegeta is once again unknowingly dressed as Freiza.  Chi-chi and Goku are the Pink and Red Power Rangers.  Eighteen is a Rockette, Krillen is dressed as Elvis.  Just about the whole cartoon cast is milling around in various states of dress/undress.  A snotty-looking maitre'de  in a bow-tie with spats over his bare feet enters the hall.)

MAITRE'DE: Dinner is served.

VEGETA: About time.

(Goku and Krillen are escorting their wives when Piccolo suddenly appears in the air before them.)

PICCOLO: Goku!  Krillen!  Get Vegeta!  Freiza is here!

GOKU (stunned): Piccolo!

CHI-CHI: What did you say, Goku?

PICCOLO: She can't see me.

KRILLEN: This is a good thing.

GOKU: Here?

PICCOLO: Yes!

GOKU: Ohmygosh!  What do we do?

PICCOLO: Kill him.

KRILLEN: Uh, honey, Chi-chi, why don't you two go get our seats and we'll be right back?

(The wives glare, but go.)

GOKU: Whew!

KRILLEN: Let's go find Mr. Vegita!

(They find their boss in the hall's foyer surrounded by five gaudily dressed thugs of various sizes, shapes, and colors.)

GOKU: What are you guys supposed to be?

THUGS (striking dramatic poses): We are the Ginyu Force!

(Goku stares at the five screw-balls but offers no comment at how amazingly stupid they appear.  He doesn't want to hurt their feelings because they've obviously practiced their strike-a-pose routine.  They look like a pack of militant cheer leaders and he thinks of what great circus clowns they'd make.)

GOKU: Uh...would you excuse us for a second?

(He steers the white, Mr. Vegita-sized lizard away from them a few feet.)

GOKU: He's here!  Piccolo just sent us to find you!

LIZARD: Me?  Who's here?

GOKU: Who do you think?  Freiza!  Come on!

LIZARD (to the still-posing Ginyu Force): Wait here until I return.

(They head back into the dining hall.  Meanwhile, Vegeta, the real Vegita in the Freiza costume, enters the foyer looking for Goku or Krillen.)

CAPTAIN GINYU: Sir, you're back so soon!  Did you eliminate those two apes?

VEGETA: What apes?

JAYSE: That Saiyan and that bald guy.

(Vegeta, while no love is lost over anyone calling Goku names, does not appreciate being re-classified by anything the same color as a tangerine.  He has no idea of what the heck is going on, but these idiots are already on his nerves and he's fairly sure they're not on his guest-list.)

VEGETA: Shut up!

JAYSE: Yessir!

VEGETA: Where did the...apes go?

CAPTAIN GINYU: You entered that room with them, mighty Freiza.

VEGETA (truth dawning): Did I now...wait here.

(He hides behind a convenient palm tree and watches for Goku's hair since he's too short to see above the crowd and he's hampered by his costume.  Suddenly Piccolo puffs into existence before him, hovering with arms folded and eyes narrowed.)

PICCOLO: Nice costume, Vegetable-boy.  Has it occurred to you that you're dressed exactly like the person you've been trained to kill?

VEGETA (impatiently pulling off the mask): Has it occurred to your pea-sized brain that Flintson and Rubble haven't figured that out yet?

PICCOLO (shocked but not overly surprised): WHAT?

VEGETA: They think Freiza is me and Freiza's ballerina troupe thinks I'm him.

(Somewhere, on a small planet at the end of Snake Way, King Kai lets out a squawk.  Piccolo flinches.)

VEGETA: I'm going back there to convince them the other lizard is an imposter and have them kill him.

(Piccolo blinks.  He'd never thought of that.)

VEGETA: You go save those two morons.  I'm expecting to settle a contract for three high-rise apartment complexes this Monday and if they're not at work at seven in the morning I'm coming after you, Namek.

PICCOLO: Double their salaries again.

VEGETA: Done.

PICCOLO: Meet us outside.

(Vegeta replaces his Freiza mask and stomps off.  Piccolo blinks again, then blinks out in a flash of light and sound-effects.  He reappears in front of Goku and Krillen.)

PICCOLO: Goku!  What are you doing?  THIS is Freiza!

GOKU (amused): What?  This is Mr. Vegita, Piccolo!

PICCOLO: Goku, it's Freiza!  Vegeta is back with the Ginyu Force!  You've got to get him out of here or all these people will be killed!

(Goku thinks for a second, more concerned about the buffet being saved.)

GOKU: Okay...uh, Mr. Vegita, that uh...uh...

(Freiza is looking at them with vicious amusement.  Though he can't see Piccolo either, he knows something is up and he wants to know what.  Krillen hops in, taking a chance.)

KRILLEN: We got your sarong back from the dry cleaners.

FREIZA (who has no clue of what Krillen is talking about): Really?

KRILLEN: Well, you said you wanted it here before nine o'clock and it's right out here...

(They bustle the lizard outside.  Meanwhile, Vegeta is rallying the troops.)

VEGETA: There is another being exactly like me outside.  It's an imposter!  I want you to kill it now!  Leave the apes alone - they have a quota to fill!  Just kill the anti-Freiza!

CAPTAIN GINYU: Yes, sir!

(They posture.  They pose.  They all but go into a frenzy of aerobic proportions.  The five-member team goes through their paces and freeze at what they think is the dramatically correct moment.  Vegeta is reminded of cheesy lawn statues and he rolls his eyes beneath his mask.)

VEGETA: Just go kill the lizard!

(Goku and Krillen have escorted Freiza to the parking lot.  Suddenly the Ginyu Force bushwhacks the three of them.)

CAPTAIN GINYU: You heard Freiza!  Guldo, Recoome, save the apes!

RECOOME: Ugh.

(They snatch the hapless Krillen and Goku out of the fray and attack.  It's not pretty and the Ginyu Force is grossly outclassed, but they do give Freiza a run for his money.)

KRILLEN (crouched behind a sports car made out of a tree trunk): Hey, hey, Goku, what the heck is happening?  Why'd they save us?

GOKU (hiding behind a brontosaurus that doubles as an open-air limo):  I haven't got a clue.

(Poof!  Here's the Great Piccolo.)

PICCOLO: At least you're consistent, Goku.

KRILLEN: Piccolo, what's going on?

PICCOLO: They mistook Vegeta for Freiza and he ordered them to attack the real Freiza.  You two ready?

GOKU and KRILLEN: NO!

PICCOLO: Good.  Look, there goes the last Ginyu goon.  Hop in there before Freiza recovers.

GOKU: And do WHAT, exactly?

(Freiza is panting slightly, a little confused by the betrayal but otherwise unharmed and not too concerned about having reduced the Ginyu Force to cinders.  He spots Goku's hair above the dinosaur's tail and smirks, walking over.)

PICCOLO: Kill him, maybe?  Y'know, what I've been wasting my time training you to do for the past year...?

KRILLEN: But-but-but-I don't want to die dressed as Elvis!

PICCOLO: Shut up.  Goku, according to galactic history, Freiza gets killed tonight. One of you three has to have accomplished this.

GOKU (taking a few deep breaths): Okay.  I'm going in there.  Krillen, buddy, it's been-

FREIZA: Greetings.

GOKU and KRILLEN: Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

GOKU (in a state of panic): Yabba Dabba Do!

(In their startled terror, the two cave men blast Freiza for all they're worth.  It has zero effect.)

FREIZA: Oh, please.

PICCOLO: Oh, shi-

(Suddenly, off-camera, feminine voices are heard.)

BULMA: HEY!

(All four of them turn as the Good Witch of the North swoops down on them with the Pink Ranger and a Rockette in tow.)

BULMA: I've had it with the three of you always training and fighting.  That's it, Vegeta!  This is MY party and you're coming in to eat right now if I have to drag you in!

CHI-CHI (at her threatening best): Goku....

(Eighteen just glares hard at her rhinestone-bedecked husband.)

FREIZA: What is the mean-

(WHACK!  Bulma cracks the nasty little white lizard in the head with her wand, breaking it and knocking Freiza out cold.)

PICCOLO: I think I've been training the wrong Vegita.

BULMA: You two carry him in right now!  Move it!

(Helpless before the wrath of their wives, Goku and Krillen obey, dragging Freiza into the hall and propping him up in a chair.  Bulma goes to order dinner and to get a new wand.)

KRILLEN: Now what?

GOKU: I dunno.  Where's Mr. Vegeta?

VEGETA (behind a potted palm): Right here, you dolt.

GOKU: Mr. Vegita, this is Freiza!

VEGETA: Thank you for the introduction, Flintson, I never would have figured that one out on my own.  What happened?

KRILLEN: Your wife got mad and knocked him out.

VEGETA: I'm almost sorry I missed it.  What happened to the cheerleaders?

GOKU: Freiza.

KRILLEN: Here comes Mrs. Vegita!  And Freiza's waking up!  What'll we do?

GOKU: Uh...hide!

(They dive behind Vegeta, peeking through the leaves as Bulma sits down next to the groggy Freiza.  Piccolo poofs into existence in front of the tree and Goku lunges up and snatches the pint-sized Namek back into the relative cover of a potted palm.)

BULMA: Vegeta, darling, now eat something.  I know you're always hungry.

FREIZA: What?  What is going on?

BULMA (through clenched teeth, waving her fork right under Freiza's eyes.  There's a huge Brussels sprout on the end of the fork.): Eat!

FREIZA: How very droll, female ape.

(Goku and Krillen bodily restrain Vegeta from diving out from behind the potted palm and pummeling Freiza for talking to Bulma that way.)

VEGETA: Nobody calls that poisonous viper an ape but me!

BULMA: Vegeta, eat the Brussels sprout right now or you're going to be the sorriest, shortest, most obnoxious satellite that ever orbited this planet.  EAT!

(She shoves the Brussels sprout into Freiza's mouth.  There's a pause of about eight seconds, and suddenly Freiza's eyes bug out like he's just had some super-Saiyan beat the stuffing out of him for too many episodes.)

BULMA: Stop playing around, Vegeta.  My cooking is not THAT bad.

VEGETA (softly): Wanna bet?

PICCOLO: I don't believe this.

(Freiza chokes.  He gags.  Suddenly he drops face-first into a plate of pterodactyl wings and baby-back brachiosaurus ribs, the Brussels sprout permanently lodged in his throat.)

GOKU: Hey, Piccolo, is he dead?

(They peek around the tree.  Freiza isn't breathing and Bulma is fuming. 

Goku shoves Vegeta down again when she looks their way.  He smiles and waves nervously.)

VEGETA: Ooof!

BULMA: Goku...

GOKU: Hi, Mrs. Vegita.  Uh, need a hand?

BULMA: Take your boss to the little cave men's room and kindly straighten him out.  Rubble, go with him.  And hurry it up.

KRILLEN: Right away, Mrs. Vegita.

(They haul the deceased away.  Vegeta follows and catches up with them.)

KRILLEN: What'll we do with him?

VEGETA: The quarry.  Hey, Namek!

PICCOLO (too disgusted with the outcome of a whole year's preparation to talk to any of them just yet): Rrrrrrr.

VEGETA: Make yourself useful for a change and dump this thing in the quarry.  Flintson, Rubble, I want you two in early Monday.  Got it?

GOKU (catching on): Yes, sir, Mr. Vegita.

KRILLEN: Bright and early!

VEGETA: Earlier than that.

PICCOLO: I wasted an entire year on you three!

VEGETA: He's DEAD, isn't he?  Isn't that what you wanted?

GOKU: Yeah.  Besides, what'll King Kai say?

PICCOLO: Oh, I don't want to know!  He'll be spouting dead lizard jokes for the next century...or eight.

GOKU: So stay here.

KRILLEN: Yeah!

PICCOLO: I am not hearing this.

(Vegeta is eyeing Piccolo up.  Since he didn't get a chance to offer the Ginyu Force jobs he feels it his greed-driven duty not to give this little green dynamo any choice in the matter.)

VEGETA: Namek!

PICCOLO: Now what, Vegetable Matter?

VEGETA: Monday morning.  Eight o'clock.  My office.  Don't be late.  Flintson, Rubble, meet your new foreman.

(The three of them gape, speechless.  Suddenly Bulma kicks in the door.)

BULMA: VEGETA VEGITA!

(Vegeta turns with his patented, sneering, I-won-and-you-have-no-idea-how smile.)

VEGETA: Coming, darling.