PRETTY SAIYAN SAILOR SCOUTS
Part One: Saiyan Scouts, Assemble!
by Magnes
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters and I apologize to all.
Special thanks to Mia for beta-reading!
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(In a deep, dark cold place that smells like a locker room, an unholy meeting is taking place between a small, weak creature of great passion and squeaky voice and a great, powerful being of equal passion but less grating voice.)
SQUEAKY: Then it's agreed?
OTHER: Yes. Sailor V will die.
SQUEAKY: She'd better. I'm paying through the nose.
OTHER: But it's such a small nose.
SQUEAKY: You're one to talk. Make it horrible. And make sure it's the *Saiyan Princess.* I don't care if you take out the others, but I don't want Sailor Karotta injured.
OTHER: Don't worry. It's not like I haven't killed Saiyans before.
SQUEAKY: The Saiyan Scouts aren't like other Saiyans.
OTHER: They're the ONLY Saiyans, you twit. Let me get to work.
(Squeaky leaves.)
OTHER: Dolt.
SHADOWY EAVESDROPPER: Hey, Sir, do you think all this killing stuff could wait 'til after the weekend? I mean, what about our plans?
OTHER: I have an idea...
(Later, far away where's it's sunny and warm, Puar and Oolong are on the beach at Master Roshi's island basking in the sun and being useless. Suddenly there's a beep from inside the house. Puar floats up from her chair as Oolong sits up and whips off his glasses.)
OOLONG: Oh, no! Did you hear that?
PUAR: It...it feels like a disturbance in the Sabanverse. Quick, check the Saiyan Scouter!
OOLONG: Oooh...I hate this!
(He goes inside the house and picks up a modified Scouter, placing it on his head and tapping the button on the side.)
OOLONG: Oh, something is up! I'm getting a couple of readings heading towards Earth. Maybe they'll go to Mars or go bother the Shogun Warriors....
PUAR: No such luck! They're headed this way. Assemble the Saiyan Scouts!
OOLONG: Can't you call them, Puar? They all hate me except Goku.
PUAR: They hate everything, Oolong. Besides, it's your turn.
OOLONG: Ooooohh!!! Tch. (He taps the button a few times.) Uh, guys, this is Oolong. The Sabanverse is on the move and we need the Saiyan Scouts to assemble!
VEGETA (over headset): What?!? Not again, you swine!
NAPPA (over headset): Aw, geez, do we hafta?
GOKU (over headset): Oh, c'mon, guys! It's fun! At least we get a chance to fight!
TURLES and RADITZ (you get the idea): Shut up, Kakarott!
OOLONG (nervously): B-but what about your m-mission, guys?
VEGETA: Stuff the mission!
NAPPA: Yeah!
GOHAN: Daddy, can I come, too?
(All the Saiyan Scouts except Goku groan. They don't want to be shown up by a seven-year old kid. Again.)
GOKU: Sure! Just don't tell your mom 'til later.
OOLONG: Guys, just come to Master Roshi's. Please!
(More groans. Even Goku joins in.)
VEGETA: Who is it this time, pig?
PUAR: The Ginyu Force has escaped from the Home For Infinite Losers. They're headed this way.
VEGETA: You expect me to put on a skirt for THEM?
OOLONG: Well...yeah. We need Princess Vege-
VEGETA: Say it and die, swine!
PUAR: Come on now, Saiyan Scouts-
TURLES: Stop whining.
PUAR: What about your sworn duty?
RADITZ: Sworn is the word!
NAPPA: Yeah, we've been cussing out that contract for ages! Turles learned Russian just for the swears!
GOKU: Hey! Not in front of Gohan!
OOLONG: Please, please, fellas!
VEGETA: Oh, for- (sigh) All right. All of you assemble at the senior citizen home. Sheesh.
GOHAN: Yay!
TURLES and RADITZ: Shut up.
NAPPA: I'll beat you all there!
VEGETA: You do that.
(Half an hour later, 5 1/2 unexcited Saiyans are crowding Master Roshi's island trying hard not to kill each other.)
GOKU: Hiya, Vegeta! How's Bulma?
VEGETA (growling, arms crossed): She was alive the last time I checked.
(Goku is impressed. At least Vegeta thought to check. Gohan, meanwhile, is keeping his distance from everyone but his father, only slightly at ease in close proximity to Vegeta and allowing all others a wide berth. Puar comes floating out of the house like some feline dirigible.)
PUAR: You're all here!
TURLES: Obviously, cat.
PUAR (ignoring his commentary): Good. Let's get started.
VEGETA (losing all patience): Started? What's to start, you moronic mouse hound? Where, what, and when?
(Puar whips around, glaring at Vegeta.)
PUAR: And Bulma tolerates you?
VEGETA: No, I tolerate her. Answer the questions before I just leave.
OOLONG: Uh...they're h-heading towards New Tokyo. They should be landing within the hour. We don't know what they want yet.
VEGETA: Was THAT so difficult?
(Puar still holds a trump card.)
PUAR: Then transform and get going!
(Silence. Cringing, they all stare at the cat, hating what comes next and desperate to avoid it at any cost.)
NAPPA: Why? Huh? Gonna make us?
PUAR (enjoying watching them squirm): Because in your transformed states you're more powerful than you could ever be in normal civilian clothes.
OOLONG: Besides, guys, the Ginyu Force has only ever seen you as the Saiyan Scouts. What'll they think if they see you like this?
(Turles shudders mightily. The others flinch.)
GOKU: He's got a point, guys.
VEGETA (holding his head): Out-logicked by Spam.
(Another long silence. All the Saiyans are looking at Goku expectantly.)
VEGETA: Well, Kakarott?
GOKU: How come I always hafta go first?
TURLES: Because you care the least.
RADITZ: And you're the youngest.
(Goku rolls his eyes and takes a few steps away. He raises one arm dramatically.)
RADITZ: What an idiot.
VEGETA: At least HE has an excuse, Raditz.
GOKU: Carotene Star Power Make-over!!
(Dazzling orange light pours out of him, music plays, wind blows, and he's engulfed in swirly animation in an over-long transformation from plain old Goku into a Saiyan Scout. The light fades and there SHE is, Sailor Karotta. She's wearing an orange mini-skirt, white shirt, new-style Saiyan armor over that with big green bows and thigh-high boots. Aside from acquiring a figure, the biggest difference is her hair, now a blazing red and in pig-tails, making her look like Ryo-oki.)
GOHAN: Wow. That's my daddy. Glutinous Starch Power Make-over!
(Suppressed groans. Sighs. Hems. Haws. As Gohan is still transforming, Turles finally caves in to pressure.)
TURLES (grumbling): Saladbarstarpowermakeover!
NAPPA: Rrrrrr...Chou-chou Slaw Star Power Make-over!
RADITZ: Oh, brother!
SAILOR KARROTTA: What?
RADITZ: I said brother, NOT sister.
SAILOR KARROTTA: You're just jealous I have new armor and I look better in a mini-skirt, Ditz.
(Raditz falls for it again. He always does.)
RADITZ: That does it! You do NOT look better in that skirt than I do. Cole Crop Star Power Make-over!
(Vegeta is holding out to the last.)
SAILOR KARROTTA: C'mon, fearless leader!
VEGETA: Rrrrrrr! I HATE this!
(Gohan - or at this point, Junior Saiyan Scout Rice Cake - adorable, sweet, and also a girl - in a white tutu and carrying a Dragon Ball-topped magic wand, joins his - er, her...parent.)
RICE CAKE: Daddy!
SAILOR KARROTTA: Hey! You look good! Let me fix your bow...
VEGETA: Reduced to this...I'm glad my father is dead.
PUAR: Today, Vegeta!
VEGETA: Vegetable Kingdom Star Power Make-over.
(When the light finally fades, the 5 1/2 Saiyans are replaced by the Saiyan Scouts: Princess Vegemita (aka Sailor V), Sailor Savoy, Sailor Karrotta, Sailor Raditzia (aka Ditz), Sailor Romaine, and Junior Sailor Rice Cake. Only Sailor Karotta and Rice Cake are smiling, amused at everyone else's grumbling. Savoy, Romain, and Raditzia all wear the old-style Saiyan armor over skimpy mini-skirts and stiletto heels. Savoy is even uglier as a woman, with a blond flat-top and purple sneakers. Princess Vegemita, short and lovely with clips in her meatball-head-style hair and bows on her armor, looks ready to kill something, namely Puar and Oolong.)
OOLONG: G-go get 'em, guys. I mean girls...ladies...uh...you?
THE SAIYAN SCOUTS: SHUT UP!
SAILOR RADITZIA: How come we have to wear this boring old armor?
SAILOR V: Because you have tails.
SAILOR SAVOY: Oh, geez, will you look at that?
RICE CAKE: What's wrong, Sailor Savoy?
SAVOY: I've already got a run in my stockings.
SAILOR ROMAIN (getting whacked by Karrotta's stiff hair): Can we go?
(Suddenly there's a man's voice coming from upstairs.)
MASTER ROSHI: Hey! Hey! Do I hear girls on the island?
KARROTTA (panicking): It's Master Roshi! He's going to hit on me again, I just know it! Hide me! Hide me!
SAILOR V: Quick! He's a pervert! Run!
(If the island had erupted into a volcano, the 5 1/2 Saiyan Scouts couldn't leave faster. Puar chuckles, then floats inside to turn off the tape recorder.)
PUAR: I think I'll give Yamcha a call...