PRETTY SAIYAN SAILOR SCOUTS
Part Three: Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting but I'd Rather Go Dancing, Thanks
by Magnes
Disclaimer: I own nothing, so don't sue me.
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(High atop Crystal Tower in New Tokyo, 5 1/2 stressed-out Saiyan Scouts are holding a war council.)
SAILOR DITZ: ...and then the little sicko asked to stroke my tail!
(Romaine and Savoy cringe. Karotta folds her arms and smirks.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: Now you know how it feels when Master Roshi comes on to me!
SAILOR DITZ: Shut up, Kaka-Karotta.
SAILOR KAROTTA: You're just jealous because I got the cutest one of the lot.
(Nobody argues. It's a bad sign.)
SAILOR SAVOY: What do they WANT?
(Even Rice Cake stares at the stupid question.)
SAILOR ROMAINE: Uh...dates for Saturday night? Were you there, Nappa?
SAILOR SAVOY (running a nervous hand through her blond flat-top): What's Saturday?
SAILOR V: Who cares? The question is, what the heck are we going to do?
SAILOR KAROTTA: I'm busy Saturday night. I'm taking Chi-Chi out for our anniversary. No way I'm going dancing with the Ginyu Force.
ALL (except Rice Cake): Shut up!
SAILOR V: Okay. I get the feeling these guys aren't going to take "No" for an answer. We're going to have to put them away fast. They're probably waiting down there for us...
SAILOR KAROTTA: Then let's go get 'em. How hard could it be?
(They return to the plaza. The Ginyu Force is posing again.)
SAILOR V (in a dramatic stance, pointing with one gloved hand): Just tell me one thing, Ginyu!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Anything, my Princess.
SAILOR V: How did you escape the Home for Infinite Losers?
(There's a long, uneasy moment. The Ginyu Force looks anxiously about.)
CAPTAIN GINYU: Uhhh....
(Sailor V's eyes narrow. She's mad.)
SAILOR V: Don't you lie to me, either!
(Ginyu melts.)
CAPTAIN GINYU: We...didn't escape.
(All the Saiyan Scouts gape in surprise.)
CAPTAIN GINYU: We were...busted out.
(Six sets of big black eyes get even bigger.)
CAPTAIN GINYU: Well...you see, Princess...
RECOOME: Uhhh...
JAYCE: Mmmm...
GULDO: Errrr...
BERTER: Nnnn...
(Ginyu bites the bullet.)
CAPTAIN GINYU: We were hired to kill you all except Sailor Karotta and that little bug in a dress.
RICE CAKE: Hey! It's a tutu!
SAILOR DITZ: Why not Karotta, too?
JAYCE: We don't know! We don't even know who hired us! We just couldn't hurt Karotta and the aphid!
SAILOR SAVOY (obsessing): So what's with Saturday night?
RECOOME: Well...there's this dance at the Home for Infinite Losers and we...we...
GULDO: We really don't like to kill girls! And it's been a long time since any of us have been on a date-
GINYU FORCE: Shut up!
JAYCE: Well...we figured...
CAPTAIN GINYU: We figured there'd be plenty of time after Saturday night...uh...
(Suddenly Sailor V starts to chuckle. The others start up, too. Then they're laughing. Then howling. Then they're rolling on the ground holding their aching sides through their armor as the five Saiyan Scouts have a hysterical laughing fit.)
BERTER: Hey, Captain, is this good?
(The hysteria is interrupted by the sudden arrival of...Chibi Trunks? He comes running across the plaza on his short legs and as Sailor V sits up he tackles her.)
TRUNKS: Daddy!
SAILOR V: Not now!
TRUNKS: Daddy!
SAILOR V: Trunks, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me "daddy" when I'm on business?
(Trunks ignores him as the other Saiyan Scouts slowly recover.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: Hiya, Trunks!
TRUNKS: Hi, Aunt Goku! Daddy! Wow! I wanna be just like you when I grow up!
SAILOR V: NO-YOU-DO-NOT!
TRUNKS: I wanna wear a dress and have a magic Dragon Ball Scepter and turn into a gir-
(Sailor V clamps a hand over his mouth in desperation.)
SAILOR SAVOY: Get it right, kid, it's a mini-skirt.
SAILOR V: Shut up! Don't encourage him! Rice Cake!
(Like a hovering tooth fairy, Rice Cake floats over.)
SAILOR V: Kindly get my son out of here before he's turned into Saiyan tempura. His mother has to be around here somewhere.
RICE CAKE: Okay. C'mon, Trunks. Let's find your mom.
TRUNKS: 'Bye, Daddy!
SAILOR V (holding her head): Go away.
(They get to their feet, unsteady in their heels, and face the Ginyu Force.
The five bozos are waiting patiently and nervously.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: Hey, Princess Vegemita?
SAILOR V: Don't call me that. What?
SAILOR KAROTTA: I've got an idea.
(Groans from her peer group.)
SAILOR DITZ: It must be lonely.
SAILOR SAVOY: Yeah, don't hurt yourself, Carrot-babe.
SAILOR V: At least SHE has an excuse. And I don't see you two splitting any atoms.
SAILOR DITZ: Huh?
SAILOR V: I rest my case. What is it, Kaka...rotta?
SAILOR KAROTTA: Say "yes."
SAILOR ROMAINE: What? Did you burn out that last brain cell when you transformed? You think those jerks are going to stop at a few waltzes? Nooooo. They're probably going to show up in polyester disco suits and want to line-dance!
(Karotta rolls her eyes and tugs at her thigh-high orange boots.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: We'll say yes, get rid of them, and stand them up.
SAILOR SAVOY: They already ARE standing, lame-brain.
(Sailor V can't take much more of this.)
SAILOR V: No, imbecile! We don't show up for the dance! Karotta, that's brilliant! Why the hell didn't I think of it?
SAILOR DITZ: Wait a minute, little br-sister. What's to stop them from just coming back?
SAILOR KAROTTA: I've been thinking about that, too.
SAILOR V: Let's hear it.
SAILOR KAROTTA: The Ginyu Force only knows us as the Saiyan Scouts, right?
SAILOR SAVOY: Yeah...
SAILOR KAROTTA: We all hate this, right?
SAILOR ROMAINE: Except you.
SAILOR KAROTTA: Trust me, I'm willing to sacrifice.
SAILOR V (dusting off her bow): Your point?
SAILOR KAROTTA: We quit. Hand in our wands. Hang up the tiaras. Y'know, quit.
(They stare.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: I mean, why not just fight them as normal Saiyans? I mean, heck, I run faster in my normal shoes than these hip-waders anyway. They don't know who we are in real life. Especially me with this hair.
(They stare some more. This has never occurred to them. Princess Vegemita, looking stunned, finally turns to the anxious Ginyu Force.)
SAILOR V: Uh...okay. Dance. Saturday. What time shall we meet you guys there?
(For an incredulous moment the Ginyu Force gapes, then they all cheer.)
SAILOR ROMAINE (quietly): Losers.
(Ginyu comes forward, falls to one knee, and takes Vegemita's hand in his and kisses it dramatically.)
CAPTAIN GINYU (little hearts popping up all around him): Shall we say eight?
SAILOR V: Sure. We'll try to kill each other after.
(The Ginyu Force cheers again, does another cheerleading thing, and is about to depart when Jayce rushes forward, grabs the unsuspecting Karotta in a passionate embrace, and pretty much tries to swallow her tonsils.
Meanwhile, on the edge of the plaza, Bulma, Chi-Chi, Yamcha, Tien, Puar,
Ooling, Trunks, and the hovering Rice Cake appear. They've been shopping all day and the men-folk/pack mules are loaded down with bags and boxes.)
CHI-CHI (gasping): Look! It's the Saiyan Scouts! Wh-what is he doing to my - to that girl?
BULMA: Go-!
YAMCHA: What?
BULMA: Uh...uh...Go...Go save her, you idiot!
TIEN: Those ugly aliens are attacking those girls! Come on, Yamcha!
(They take to the air, building up some energy but with no plan in mind as they aim at the Ginyu Force, not thinking of anything much beyond five potential dates.)
GULDO: Heads up, guys!
(With the exception of Jayce and Karotta, they all look up.)
BERTER: They're not serious, are they?
SAILOR V: Why don't you guys go? We'll deal with these two.
CAPTAIN GINYU: I really don't like to leave you, Prin-
(Zap! Sailor V nails him with a bolt of energy.)
SAILOR V: We'll take care of this. And don't call me princess, frog-face.
(Jayce finally comes up for air.)
JAYCE: Orange is just so sexy on you, Karotta.
SAILOR KAROTTA: Gack! Ugh! First hairy, sweaty apes, now this!
JAYCE: It was good for me, too, bugaboo. Oh, gotta go!
(He kisses her again and runs. Karotta falls over in a sputtering pile. Tien and Yamcha let out simultaneous cries and attack, sending huge blasts of energy into the plaza and scattering friend and foe alike.)
YAMCHA: Take that! Leave those girls alone!
(The Ginyu Force, with only a day to get ready for their dates, reluctantly depart. The plaza, which had survived unscathed up to the arrival of the Earth Forces, is now a crater. The Saiyan Scouts are knocked about and covered with dirt and rubble. Bulma and Chi-Chi and the rest have taken cover behind a planter. Tien and Yamcha land, looking for survivors.)
RICE CAKE and TRUNKS: Daddy!
(Karotta staggers to her feet and locates Romaine, hauling her black-haired twin upright. Romaine is the next best thing to out cold. Bulma and Chi-Chi cautiously approach. Yamcha, meanwhile, discovers Sailor V underneath the remains of the flower stall and sees her up close and personal for the first time. The results are instantaneous.)
YAMCHA: Hey, baby doll!
(Karotta, slack-jawed, drops Romaine. The Vegetable Kingdom Princess sits up groggily, her head spinning.)
SAILOR V: *%&#@$^ spikes!
YAMCHA: Hey, beautiful, are you okay?
BULMA: What?!
(Chi-chi slides up to Karotta, noting the stains in the skirt that she'll have to get out somehow.)
CHI-CHI: You two had better be home in time for dinner.
SAILOR KAROTTA: Yes, dear.
(Yamcha, playing hero to what he thinks will be tomorrow's dinner date, has moved some offending rubble and flowers off of Sailor V and is massaging her sprained ankle.)
YAMCHA: Wow. That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen, Sailor Vegemita! You were fantastic! I bet you would be fantastic...
SAILOR V: Get your hands off of me! Pig!
OOLONG: What?
SAILOR V: Not you, this pig!
(Yamcha ignores the warning signs and scoops the much shorter Vegetable Princess into his arms. Bulma is nearing overload. So is Vegemita.)
YAMCHA: Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes, Princess?
BULMA: Get your hands off of my husband, pervert!
PUAR (near panic): Oh, no! This is all wrong!
(Chi-chi hears and glares at Puar, knowing something is up besides Vegemita's temperature and Yamcha's libido. She seizes Puar by the tail and stalks away, tugging the cat along like a balloon until they're out of hearing range. Chi-chi gives the feline a shake.)
CHI-CHI: Alright, cat, talk!
(Back in the at the crater, Karotta is restraining Bulma with a full Nelson.)
YAMCHA: So, Princess, can I buy you dinner, oh, say, tomorrow night?
SAILOR V (glaring death): I think someone close to me might have a problem with that.
YAMCHA (seeing a new challenge): Oh. You've got a boyfriend?
SAILOR V: NO!
YAMCHA: Husband?
SAILOR V (smiling charmingly): Try wife.
YAMCHA: WHAT?!?!?
(He drops Sailor V flat on her can and goes into animated shock. Tien slides up quietly behind Karotta as she pins the raving Bulma and whispers in her ear.)
TIEN: I've never seen a woman do for a mini-skirt and go-go boots what you do. Sailor Karotta, you are a goddess!
(Karrotta's eyes bug, teeth clench in terror and panic, and she stiffens. Bulma slides out of her hold as she slowly turns her head, smacking Tien in the face with a pigtail. He gives her a sexy smile. She can do no wrong in his eyes. All three of them.)
KAROTTA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Everyone on the battlefield pauses. Yamcha finally finds his voice.)
YAMCHA: Wife?
(Bulma runs up.)
BULMA: Yamcha, just what do you think you're doing?
YAMCHA: B-Bulma! Am I glad to see you!
BULMA: Wait one minute and let's see if you still feel that way, you sicko! Oh, Vege...mita! You're hurt!
SAILOR V: Leave me alone! Go help Kaka...Carrot top. He's in over her head.
(They all glance over at the terror-stricken Sailor Karotta.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: Why does this always happen to me?
(She glances around wildly, then sees Chi-Chi coming towards her, yanking Puar along by the tail. Karotta pulls her close, then snatches Rice Cake up as she hovers nearby.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: Hi. I'd like you to meet my wife and son.
TIEN: You're - you're -
SAILOR KAROTTA: That's right! Married! Now go away!
TIEN: Wow. That is soooo sexy. Y'know, I have this multiple technique-
(Chi-Chi decks him.)
CHI-CHI: Honey, I think Puar wants to tell you and Vegeta something.
PUAR: I-I-I-I-
SAILOR V: You what, cat?
PUAR: I hired the Ginyu Force to kill you so Bulma and Yamcha would get back together! Bwaaaaaa!
(The remaining three Saiyan Scouts have managed to pick themselves up and stumble over to their princess still flat on her can in the dirt. They stare at the bawling cat.)
SAILOR SAVOY: Hey, Vegemita, what gives?
SAILOR V: This was a set-up. Our own coordinator tried to kill us off.
PUAR: Not Goku! Waaaaaaa!
SAILOR V: I've had enough. I quit.
SAILOR KAROTTA: Me, too. I'm sick of men hitting on me like I'm a ditzy blond or something.
SAILORS DITZ and SAVOY: Hey!
(Romaine and Raditzia exchange a slightly uneasy look.)
SAILOR ROMAINE: You're quitting? What about the rest of us?
SAILOR DITZ: Yeah! I mean, I don't want to quit!
SAILOR KAROTTA: But you guys hate this!
(Again, that uneasy look. Savoy has it now, too.)
SAILOR SAVOY: I guess...I guess I kinda like having hair...
(Karotta and Vegemita exchange an incredulous look. A look of sheer disbelief. Their Saiyan brains can't wrap around this one.)
SAILOR V: You mean to tell me you WANT to continue doing this?
SAILOR ROMAINE: Look, you two are married with families. I get more phone numbers dressed like this than I can count.
SAILOR SAVOY: I was kinda looking forward to Saturday night...
SAILOR DITZ: Yeah, but what about Ginyu and Jayce?
(A pause. Slowly, they all turn and look at Tien and Yamcha. Vegemita and Karotta smile evilly, both of them pulling out their transformation wands. Karotta beckons them close with one finger and a winning smile.)
SAILOR KAROTTA: Oh, boys...