A Light in the Darkness - part 8: Why Did Chi-Chi Marry Goku
by Mia Skywalker & Wataruo

PAIRING: Goku/Chi-Chi
RATING: G
WARNINGS: None
DISCLAIMER: Neither of us owns any of the DBZ characters or anything about DBZ, but we both wish we owned the Saiyans. All of them. These characters are owned by Toei, Viz, Akira Toriyama, and FUNimation, even though the last one is a crying shame. We do own what we've written here, and our specific storyline, just not Dragonball itself. We make no money off of any of these guys, nor off this fic.
SUMMARY: Sometimes ya gotta wonder just WHY Chi-Chi married Goku.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: A great thank you to Magnes for her beta'ing of this. 

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Last time on DragonballZ: A Light in the Darkness....

Goku nodded. "Of course I am," he told his son. "After all Chikyuu is safe again. I have no reason to run off. Except when we are training with Piccolo," he said in a whisper so Chi-Chi couldn't hear. "Let's go say hi to your Mom."

Gohan placed his hand in his father's and the two entered the house together. "Hi Chi-Chi," he greeted her. "You look nice." Granted she was up to her elbows in soapy dishwater but she still was pretty. Goku had always thought so, even when they had first met. "I'm home."

~~~~~*~~~~~

Chi-Chi stared at this man who had been her husband for seven years, and who it seemed she hardly ever saw. She wasn't even sure she knew him anymore. He'd died, and then had gone straight to Namek, and everyone told her that he'd become something called a 'super Saiyan'. They said that as though he had done something marvelous, but she felt that something that had taken her husband away from her like that couldn't be so wonderful.

"You're home," she whispered; unshed tears making her voice hoarse. "But for how long? How long this time, Son-kun? How long before you leave me yet again?"

Goku put his hand behind his head and smiled at her. "I am not going anywhere." He was silently hoping that she wouldn't cry. He never knew what to do when she cried and that seemed to make it worse. "Chikyuu is safe. There isn't any reason for me to go anywhere." 

Goku looked around the kitchen and smiled. "Things haven't changed at all. Place still looks the same. It's good to be back. Are there chores I need to do before dinner or has Gohan already done them?" he asked.

She stared at him a moment longer, and then her face shook as she tried to bite back tears. He'd been away from her for two years, and he was acting like he'd only been gone a few weeks. He hardly seemed at all happy to see her. Well, he seemed 'happy', but hardly excited. Had he always been like this? she wondered unhappily. Had he chosen to marry her only because she was there, not because he'd really wanted to? 

She wondered if he really loved her. He seemed to like her well enough, but she didn't know if love was involved. She used to think it didn't matter, that as long as he stayed faithful to her and cared for her that's all that was important, but she realized now that she'd been wrong. ::I shouldn't have forced him into marrying me. Even if I'd never married anyone, it would have been better than being married to someone who doesn't really care.::

She realized now as she looked at him that he was really a child in an adult's body. He was never the one to instigate sexual relations between them; he'd never even known what to do on their wedding night. As she stared at him standing there, looking as innocent and carefree as a child, she realized that he'd never once told her that he loved her. And she realized that he probably never really would. He really hadn't missed her while he'd been gone all this time. It had been one long vacation to him, a chance to have fun the way he had before she'd tied him down.

In a sudden burst of tears she ran from the room, running blindly away from them. Gohan looked up at his father with a sad expression on his face. "She's crying again, Daddy. Why did you make her cry again?"

Goku reached up and scratched his head. "I don't know what's wrong Gohan. You stay here. I'll find out." Goku patted his son on the head before he walked down the hall to the bedroom that they shared and paused at the door as he listened to Chi-Chi cry. He honestly didn't know what to think of this latest outburst and he always felt helpless when she cried. 

He took a deep breath and stepped into the room. "Chi-Chi?" He walked over to the bed where she was laying and sat down next to her. "What's wrong?" He reached over and patted her back awkwardly.

Chi-Chi continued to cry, ignoring the presence of her husband near her. In fact, his presence made it worse, as she realized that he didn't understand her and never would. As the tears flowed and she choked on her sobs, she wondered desperately if she should leave. Or if he should leave. Somehow the thought of never being with him broke her heart, made her want to scream and cry even harder than she was. Yet being with him when he didn't really love her would break her heart, too. And she knew that someday he would leave her anyway, and it wouldn't even bother him.

::I've lost him, haven't I?:: she thought, as she sobbed heart-broken. ::But then, I've never really had him. He doesn't care about me any more than he cares about his friends. Less! He spends more time with them than he does with me! I've never been important to him, just someone he can come home to, that will feed him when he wants to eat.:: She continued to cry, harder than before.

"Ummm, Chi-Chi?" Goku spoke up quietly. He really hated it when she cried like this. He liked it better when she yelled at him. Her anger he understood, and if he disappeared for a little while she usually would be fine. But this, he had never seen her cry like this before.

"Chi-Chi what's the matter? Do you want me to leave for a little while?" he asked. The comforting pats he was trying didn't seem to be helping much. And just him being here seemed to make it worse.

"Leave?" She hiccupped. Of course he wanted to leave. He didn't like to see her cry, he didn't like to see anyone cry. He would prefer to just run away and hope everything would get better, and then he'd come back again. She wasn't sure she wanted him to do that. ::Do which? Run away? Or come back again?:: Somehow the idea of him leaving and not coming back sent a sharp pain through her heart. She'd thought he'd left before, now it was like she was losing him all over again. Didn't he love her anymore? Did he ever love her? 

"You want to leave again? You just got back and already you're leaving? Do you hate me that much? Do I mean so little to you?" Her voice was interspersed with hiccups as she continued to weep helplessly.

"I don't hate you Chi-Chi," Goku told her. "I'll never hate you." He began to stroke her back with the palm of his hand. "It's just that you always seem a lot calmer when I go out and come back again." His eyebrows pulled together in thought. "I thought maybe if Gohan and I went out to fishing...." He knew that he wasn't explaining himself very well. He never explained himself very well. ::This is worse than battling Frieza:: he thought as he watched Chi-Chi cry.

"You might not hate me, but you don't love me," she said softly. She was no longer sobbing as harshly, but the tears hadn't stopped flowing. "And I'm only calmer because I hold it in. Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Goku, if you walk out that door...." She wasn't sure what she was going to say. Give him an ultimatum? She didn't want him to walk out and never come back, and she was afraid he might do that. 

"I just wish you loved me like I always loved you," she whispered brokenly. "I know now that you never will... but I just wish you did."

Goku blinked a few times as he looked down at her confused. What did she mean that he didn't love her? He did. He honestly did. ::Maybe I should've told her more:: he thought as he stared down into her face. 

"Chi-Chi, I do love you. I just don't show it well, that's all." He reached over and cupped her face between his big hands and looked down into her eyes. "I'll do better, I promise." He promised solemnly. "I'll be a better husband."

Chi-Chi looked at him in confusion. She knew from the look in his face that he meant it, and she was confused. Did he love her? How could he keep leaving her, if he loved her? He never showed her that he loved her. He acted like he hardly knew she was around. He treated her like... she wasn't sure, but it wasn't the way she thought husbands should treat their wives. Not that she knew too many married couples. Her own mother had died when she was born, and Bulma wasn't married. She'd seen the way the Briefs were around each other, and she didn't want to have a marriage like theirs. ::I thought husbands and wives were supposed to care more for each other?:: She wished she knew more married couples, but she didn't really have anyone to use as an example.

"I know you do, Goku. At least, as much as you know how to. It's just not as much as I wish you did. I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have forced you to marry me when we were younger. Maybe I should have let you be free. I loved you, and I thought that was enough, but... I was wrong. I'm sorry, Goku. I wish I could let you go, but I love you too much to want you to leave me and never come back. Even if you don't really love me, if you just love me a little, I guess that's better than nothing." She wiped her tears and stood up. "I just wish that someday you'd learn to love me as much as I love you," she whispered at him as she turned away.

"Don't be silly," he said as he got up from the bed and stood behind her. He placed both of his hands on her shoulders and she went still at his touch. "I wouldn't have married you if I hadn't wanted to. You didn't force me into anything I didn't want." Granted, the big man hadn't even known what a bride was until she had told him, but when she had finally explained it to him, he had wanted the same. "And I wish you did believe that I love you as much as you love me." He slid his arms around her shoulder and held her against his chest. "I'll prove it Chi-Chi," he said with determination. "I don't know how, but I will prove it." 

Chi-Chi had stopped in surprise when he put his hands on her shoulders, and remained frozen in shock when he put his arms around her and pulled her against him. She didn't recall him ever instigating contact with her like this before. ::Maybe he really did miss me?:: she wondered. She turned in his arms and looked up at him, her eyes wide with surprise and hope. ::Does he really care? Does he really love me? Or is it just that he's used to me and would just as soon keep me around? What does he want with me?:: She wasn't sure what to say at first, but simply stared up at him, her eyes wide with confusion and the beginnings of hope.

"Son Goku?" she finally said softly. "Do you really mean it? You didn't just marry me because you'd promised me, or because I forced you into it? You really wanted to marry me? Really, truly wanted to? I wasn't just... I wasn't just the one who happened to come along at the right time, and it wasn't because I forced you to carry through with your promise? That wasn't it?"

Goku shook his head and looked down in his wife's eyes. "Not at all. You didn't force me into anything." He gave her one of his famous grins. "Nothing that I didn't want to do anyways." He brushed a loose strand of hair away from her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. "I may not be really smart like Bulma is, but I do understand what love is. And I have loved you since we were kids."

"Then why do you always leave me?" she asked, her brow furrowed. "You always leave me, to train or to fight, and you never even think about me. You didn't even want to come back from Namek, when they wanted to use that last wish. You were gone for almost two years including the year you were dead, and you still didn't want to come back!" Tears welled up in her eyes again. "And just now, you acted like you didn't really care that you saw me again. You acted like you'd hardly been gone at all, not like a husband who's been missing his wife for two years!" She started to wail again.

Goku, because he didn't know what to do, pulled Chi-Chi into his arms. "Well, I didn't come back from Namek because I was learning a new technique on Yardrat. I ran into some people there who could do instantaneous movement," he said calmly. He smiled as he looked down at her. "I figure I want to learn every technique I can, to protect you and Gohan." He tilted his head to side and sighed. "I did miss you, Chi-Chi. I missed you a lot."

"Learning a new technique was more important than being with me again?" she demanded angrily. That was just like Goku. He was such a child when it came to fighting. "Do you know how humiliated I was, when you refused to come home? Do you know what everyone thought about you - about me – when they all heard that? They wondered how horrible I must be as your wife, if you didn't want to come home to me!" She lowered her head, and tears started to fall. "They all thought - I thought - that you didn't love me. I was so ashamed!"

"But I do love you," Goku protested. "I was just learning something to protect everyone. I don't think that anyone thought that at all." He reached down to tilt her head up with one finger. "Really I do," he said sincerely. ::Now what exactly do husbands do when the see their wives after they have been gone a long time.?:: he wondered as he looked at Chi-Chi's tear-stained face. ::Oh I know!:: He leaned down and brushed a soft kiss against her mouth. "Don't cry anymore Chi-Chi. It will be different. I promise."

Chi-Chi closed her eyes and leaned into his kiss, and when he pulled back her brows pulled together in a frown. "Yes, they did think that! I saw it in their eyes, on their faces! When you refused to come back, they all turned and stared at me, so accusingly...!" Tears stung her eyes again. "You promise things will be different, but I know they won't be. I know you, Son Goku. You don't know anything except fighting. You don't know anything about love, or how to love...."

Goku looked distinctly hurt. "Yes, I do," he said quietly. "I love you and Gohan." He embraced her again and sighed. "How can I prove it, Chi-Chi?" he asked out loud. It was almost as if he was thinking out loud. "I'll always be a warrior, you know that. And I'll always want to protect my family and friends. Why is that so wrong?"

"It's not wrong. I just wish..." she trailed off. She had been about to say that she wished he was different, that he could change, but she wondered if that was really true. Did she really want him to be anything other than what he was? It was the fact that he was a warrior, that he was strong, that had attracted her to him in the first place. And it was his innocence and purity that had kept her attracted to him. She knew that if that changed... her feelings towards him would change as well. ::Why would I want to change him?:: she wondered. ::If he changed, he wouldn't be Son Goku. At least, not the Son Goku that I know. What do I really want?:: 

She looked up at him, confused, and then reached up and touched his cheek gently. "I love you, Son Goku. I love you for who you are. Maybe you love me as much as I love you, maybe you don't. But I can't expect you to change, I don't want you to change!" She leaned into him, sighing.

::Boy, she is certainly hard to understand:: he thought as he held her against him. But he was glad she seemed to be done crying. "I love you to Chi-Chi," he said as he dipped his head and kissed her. "I wish you believed me," he whispered against her mouth.

~~*~~

Gohan sighed as his father went upstairs after his mother. His mother had been crying a lot lately, and Gohan hadn't known how to stop her. He thought she must have missed Goku, but sometimes he wondered if any of it was his fault as well, so he tried his best to do everything she wanted him to, hoping she wouldn't cry. She still cried, though, and that had made Gohan feel more helpless than he'd even felt when he'd been kidnapped by Radditz, and later by Piccolo. At least with Radditz he thought his daddy was going to save him, and with Piccolo he didn't really believe that the Namek wanted to hurt him. With his mother... he wanted to make her feel better, but didn't know how.

Gohan walked out of the house and sat on the porch step, wondering what he should do. He looked up at the fluffy white clouds scurrying above him in the sky, and tried not to listen to the sounds of his mother weeping. When she cried it made him want to cry. He knew that somehow it had to be his fault, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't do whatever it was that she wanted him to so that she wouldn't cry anymore.

"Mommy, don't cry," he whispered sadly, as he scuffed at the dirt with a shoe. He stood up and walked away, deciding he would go see his dragon again. His dragon could almost always cheer him up. He flew off, making sure he didn't go so far that he couldn't sense his father's ki.

To be continued.....

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And in the next exciting episode of DragonBall Z: A Light in the Darkness... Vegeta: "I am wildly, insanely jealous of a moron. Got a problem with that?"