The MSTing of Internet Spam
By: Majin Vegeta
Original Fic: N/A

Disclaimer: I don’t own the various messages that will be MSTed, not like I want to or anything. I don’t even own spam in a can, thank you very much! Spam light on the other hand...

Notes: Welcome to the third cast of my MSTs. The cast, if you’re wondering for some reason, consists of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII (yes, *the* Sephiroth from FF7), Tasuki from Fushigi Yuugi (yes, *the* Tasuki from...oh never mind, the joke just got old), Aisha from Outlaw Star (she isn’t the star, she ain’t an outlaw...but somehow she managed to stay on the show ^_^), and Ukyo from Ranma 1/2 (you know, if you add a half of Akane to a half of Ranma you’d get....ummmm , a very strange looking person)! Oh yeah, the theme song (the ‘Love Theme’) is also new! Yay! Oh yeah, another also, I made a few minor adjustments to further authenticate my MSTs (just because. Oh, and there is a part that I added, the comment at the end of the theme song...just trying to be funny, that’s all.) Oh, the spam messages will be separated by tildes (you know, these things ~~~~) And yes, there is a stinger clip too.

Other Notes: Ummm, if you don’t have a sense of humor, I’d advise you to read this and tell me how good it is. Then you can start writing songs and stuff praising me and such, or not...

***********

In the not too distant future
In a place where crime was low
Sephiroth and his other pals
Were stuck in a not nice place

They were pursed by an author named Majin
An evil anime fan who wanted to rule the world
He tossed around a few ideas in his head
And decided to torture a new cast instead

(Sephiroth: You shall pay!)

Majin: 
“I'll send them lots of fanfics
And maybe something else (la la la)
They'll have to sit and watch them all
And I'll monitor their minds!” (la la la)

Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fics begin or end
They’ll try to keep their sanity
With the help of their new found friends

MSTer roll call!

Sephiroth (She’s got a big sword, he’s got a big sword. But, I got the biggest sword of them all!)
Tasuki (If I put my mind to it, I can be a pyrotechnic!)
Aisha (I am Sailor Ctral-Ctral, and on behalf of the Ctral-Ctral, I will punish you!)
Ukyo (Got okonomiyaki? I know I do!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts (la la la)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a fic,
and I should really just relax!"

For Majin Science Theater 6000! (Now in color!)

TWAAAAAANG!

***********

6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

Well, the Satellite of Love was awfully lonely today. Nothing was going on, there was nobody to torture with fanfiction, no one to annoy, no one to throw insults at, and so on. This just wouldn’t do. Majin’s ominous screen floated down and he looked around curiously. “Oh...I think I need a new cast. It just isn’t the same without people to annoy.”

And so, with that very sentence said, Majin started seeking four more poor MSTers to read fanfiction...or whatever else he could find. First, the evil fanfic author, that just happens to have the same pseudonym as *I* use, decided to find the fiendish villain of Final Fantasy 7 to torture. It just so happened that Sephy-sama was trying to kill Cloud again, and during his little venture he soon found himself getting sucked up by a white light. He was the first to enter the Satellite, which should be fairly obvious considering there wasn’t anyone there before him...

Next, Majin figured he should capture someone who was a little bit foreign. So, he decided on ‘napping’ that really cool Suzaku Senshi, Tasuki! He was soon sucked up by that same strange light Seph had been sucked by, and found himself in the Satellite as well.

The next victim, I mean MSTer, would have to be someone more familiar with space (for no apparent reason). So, Majin decided to capture that crazy Ctral-Ctral space girl, Aisha! She too was soon sucked up by that strange light because I really don’t feel like describing what she was doing.

Finally, there needed to be someone slightly normal aboard. Well, it wasn’t a law but Majin felt like doing it anyway because he wanted to. Besides, there really doesn’t need to be a reason for everything. And so, he captured Ukyo just because....

And so begun the third season of Majin Science Theater 6000! (Dun, dun, DUN!)

***********

The new MSTers all looked around at their surroundings in confusion. The person most confused, however, was Tasuki...of course. He was from ancient China after all.

Before any of them could ask a single question, that all too familiar screen of Majin’s floated down with that all too familiar evil smiling grin appearing on it. “Why hello my friends!”, the others saw that Majin’s smile sparkled and made twinkling sound effects, like on a toothpaste commercial. “You’ll be happy to know that I have selected you four to be MSTers!”

Tasuki scratched his head, “What’s a ‘MSTer?’ What’s that thing? What’s this thing we’re in?” he asked in a bewildered tone.

“Well....you see this is....” Sephiroth started but got cut off by Majin.

“This is a satellite where I force you guys to watch fanfiction and other stuff to monitor your minds and stuff. I think I’ll just instill all of this modern knowledge and stuff into you Tasuki.....except for the knowledge of Microsoft, because they are evil.” Majin muttered, and then used Observer-like powers to do this. “*Anyway*, you have to watch the stuff when you hear fanfic sign or you will...die!” Majin said chuckling grimly. “Mwahahahaha!”

Aisha face-faulted, “This guy is an idiot...you can't possibly say *stuff* that many times in one paragraph and get away with it legally.”

"Yeah I can! It's in the Majin Clause of the fifth article of the Rights of Evil Fanfiction Authors Constitution!" Majin said happily.

A sweatdrop formed behind Aisha's head, "It figures..."

“Oh, okay. I guess this stuff makes sense.” Tasuki said with a shrug, “I can’t wait to see what an electric toothbrush is!”

Majin smirked, “Errr, riiiight. Anyway, it is now time for your first torture session....you will be forced to read Internet spam! And just to be mean, you won’t even get rest breaks! Mwahahahaha! Have fun, my friends!” as he said his last sentence, the screen went back to the place it came from.

Loud sounds started going off and red lights started flashing. Ukyo blinked, “I’m guessing that’s fanfic sign!” she shouted.

And the four new MSTers embarked on their fateful journey into the screening room.

6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

***********

> Powered by

Sephiroth: ...two giant Energizer batteries that never stop going, and going, and going, and going, and...
Tasuki: We *get* the point!
Sephiroth: ...going!
Tasuki:  ::Randomly curses::

> MatchLogic's DeliverE

Ukyo:  ::Imitating MatchLogic:: We didn’t know how to spell delivery correctly, so we just spelt it the way it sounds. Neat, huh?

> and the FastFreeFun.com

Sephiroth: It’s fast! It’s free! And it’s fun! It’s fastfreefun.com! ::Sarcastically:: What a clever name!

> entertainment network.

Aisha:  ::Imitating an announcer:: Also, this message is brought to you by Pepsi, the choice of the next *next* generation.

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tasuki: Woah, take it easy with that ‘auto-hyphen’ option.

> [NextCard Visa]

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the spammer:: It’s so fantastic, you’ll be going to the next card Visa *right* away!

> Congratulations!

Sephiroth: You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!
Tasuki: Can this get any worse?
Ukyo: It could be something Majin wrote....
Tasuki:  ::Shivers:: Good point.

> You've been pre-selected for

Aisha: ...inhuman torture!

> this NextCardÆ VisaÆ

Tasuki:  ::Tilts head:: What the heck is that thing? Is it an ‘e’ or is it an ‘a?’.
Ukyo: It looks like both.
Aisha: You mean these things? ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ
Tasuki: Yeah! ::Blinks:: What the hell, is this A&E?
Aisha: Maybe...

> offer with rates as low as

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating Satan:: ...your soul! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

> 2.99%

Ukyo: 2.99% of what...exactly?

> Intro or 9.99% Ongoing APR!

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Yay?

> NextCard Visa is the best

Sephiroth: ...thing to use to scratch off that black stuff on lottery tickets.

> credit card you'll find, period.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Mr. T:: I pity the fool who tries to find a better credit card!

> We're the only credit card company that will tailor

Tasuki: So they’re a credit card company that is merged with the fashion industry?
Ukyo: What credit card company *isn’t?*

> an offer specifically for

Aisha: ...people stupid enough to read down this far.

> you in real-time

Sephiroth: Oh good, it’s not in fake time. Phew!

> with an APR that can be as low as 2.99% Intro or 9.99% Ongoing.

Sephiroth: Yes, you said that already.

> Then, you can transfer balances with one click and start

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ....making us rich right now!

> saving money right NOW.

Ukyo: Er, technically, if you spent money on a credit card...you won’t be saving money. Because you’ll be spending it on the credit card...

> Get a NextCard Visa in 30 seconds!

Aisha:  ::Imitating a pizza company:: Or we’ll give it to you free!

> Getting a credit card has never been so easy.

Sephiroth: Of course, you could just keep your cash and spend that. But, that would make far too much sense to do.

> 1.ÝFill in the brief application

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Satan:: ....or be forever tortured in a fiery nether world!

> 2.ÝReceive approval decision within 30 seconds
> 3.ÝPay no Annual Fee

Ukyo: ...pay a weekly fee instead!

> and get rates as low as 2..99%

Sephiroth: Wow, the spam gods have bestowed us with *two* periods in that decimal. Thank you, spam gods!

> Intro or 9.99% Ongoing APR!

> [Apply!]

Ukyo:  ::Imitating a mother:: If Visa told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?
Tasuki:  ::Imitating the child:: Yes mother, but only with a rubber cord!
Ukyo: Well, errrr....okay then!

> Why waste time

Sephiroth: ...when you can clearly recycle it?

> with those other credit companies?

Aisha: Umm, because they don’t send stupid messages like this to me.

> NextCard offers 100% safe online shopping,

Aisha: ....sometime in the twenty-fifth century.

> 1-click bill payment, and 24-hour online account management. Don't wait, apply now and get approval decisions in 30 seconds or less. The choice is clear.

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: This thing suddenly became one giant ClearEyes commercial.

> Current cardholders

Ukyo: ...will be killed by a firing squad.

> and individuals that have applied within the past 60 days are not eligible to take advantage of this offer. NextCard takes your privacy very seriously.

Tasuki: How seriously does it take it?
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating Rodney Dangerfield:: *So* seriously that....
Ukyo: Oh, quit that joke!
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Uhhh, why? ::Blinks::
Ukyo: Because...errr....I dunno.
Sephiroth: Yeeeeeeeeeees.

> In order to protect your personal privacy, we do not share your personal information with outside parties.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: We do, however, share all of your
information at all of the parties we have *inside.*

> This may result in your receiving this offer even if you are a current NextCard holder or a recent applicant. Although this may be an inconvenience,

Tasuki: Read:  annoyance.

> it is a result of our belief that your privacy is of utmost importance.

Ukyo: And here I thought businesses only cared about making money, silly me.

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tasuki:  ::Growls:: I said cool it with that ‘auto-hythen’ option, damn it!

> To unsubscribe from future DeliverE offers,

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the spammer:: ....destroy our home office, this will result in an immediate unsubscription.

> reply to this message with the word "unsubscribe"

Aisha:  ::Imitating an almost suicidal e-mail recipient:: Please, make it stop! I really can’t read this without thinking about how pathetic I am. I am going to kill myself now, so don’t bother sending this stuff to me anymore.
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the spammer who just received this e-mail:: This guy must want our offers, he didn’t type ‘unsubscribe’.

> in the subject line or visit http: //consumer.delivere.com/prefs.cgi?0021780010071748.

Sephiroth: Wow, that’s a lot of numbers. In fact, it’s the mother load of numbers! It’s numberific!
Ukyo:  ::Facefault:: Oh shut up.
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a little rascal:: Ooooooooooootay.
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrop:: Can you shut up without doing that next time, please?

> To learn more about DeliverE and FastFreeFun.com

Aisha: Who in their right mind would want to learn more about this junk?
Ukyo: Adolf Hitler!
Aisha: Isn’t he dead?
Ukyo: Yeah...and apparently new books tell us that he might be gay.
Aisha: Wow, I am quite intrigued! How can I find out more?
Ukyo: Easy, Aisha, you can go to your local Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy of the book.
Aisha: Thank you Ukyo, I think I’ll go to that place right away! ::Gives a ‘thumbs up’ sign and winks::

> please visit our web site

Sephiroth: Notice the use of the word ‘please’, they must be pleading with us.

> at http: //consumer.delivere.com

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the owners of FastFreeFun.com:: Yep, the hit counter will hit one any day now!

> or reach us via US postal mail at:  DeliverE, 7233 Church Ranch Blvd.,

Aisha: I wonder what’s on that boulevard?
Ukyo: For some reason I’m guessing there is a church and a ranch there, don’t know why though.
Aisha: Hmmm, you just might be on to something there!

> Westminster, CO 80021 (303)222-7083

Sephiroth: Ooooo, they just gave us their phone number! Now we can make prank calls! ::Evil grin::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> Limited Supply And Selling Out Fast

Aisha: Liar! You don’t even know what you’re selling!

> Try This POTENT

Ukyo:  ::Imitating Cartman:: ...it makes you feel gooooooood.

> Pheromone Formula That Helps

Sephiroth: ...kill you faster!

> Men and Women To Attract Members of The

Sephiroth: ...KKK!
Tasuki: ...IRA!
Ukyo: ...Moonies!
Aisha: ...Born-Again Christians!

> Opposite Sex

Tasuki: Ummm, should just about every word in that sentence be capitalized like that?
Sephiroth: Yes, It’s Damn Good Grammar, Damn It!

> Click here to learn more: 

Aisha:  ::Whispering:: Maybe if we just ignore it, it will go away.

> Because of all its exacting and expensive ingredients,

Ukyo: Read:  cheap ingredients.

> Pheromone Concentrate cannot be mass-produced.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the advertisers:: Only mass-advertised!

> Only a limited supply is left

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Those damn leftists! ::Grumbles:: Stupid communists.

Note: You do get it right? It’s sorta based on politics! Well, ummm...drugs are baaaaaaad, m’kay.

> and it may not be available weeks from now

Sephiroth: Afterwards there was much rejoicing!
Aisha:  ::Unenthused:: Yay!

Note: Hey, it has been a long time since I did that Monty Python joke!

> - it's selling out at a record pace,

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the advertisers:: That’s right, we have a record here! We actually have two orders this year!

> re-orders are flooding in.

Ukyo: Ahhhh, it’s a deluge of two re-orders!

> Don't lose out.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the advertisers:: Give us all your money and *then* lose out!
Aisha:  ::Also imitating the advertisers:: You know you want to, these are pheromones people! Pheromones!

> Get all the girls or guys you want easily,

Sephiroth: ....kidnap them!

> excite

Ukyo:  ::Clears throat:: If you need to find something on the ‘net, go to excite.com!
Tasuki:  ::Talking in a really fast voice:: This advertisement has been brought to you by excite.com, and all it’s affiliates. If you do not go to excite.com, you will be tortured to death.

> your mate like never before...GUARANTEED!

Aisha:  ::Gasp:: Someone needs to learn how to turn off the caps lock key.

> Click here to learn more: 
> Read What Major News Organisations

Everybody: Nani? What’s an ‘organisation?’
Sephiroth: Ummm...it sounds like some advertiser didn’t remember to use Mr. Spell Checker. Oh my!

> Are Saying About Pheromones!

Tasuki: We don’t care at all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> STOP!

Aisha: Okay...if you insist.

> URGENT MESSAGE!

Ukyo:  ::Imitating a news caster:: But first we have a story about a circus dog.

> PLEASE READ COMPLETELY!

Sephiroth:  ::Starts reading the word ‘completely’:: Completely, completely, completely. Hmmm, every time I read completely is still says the same thing.
Tasuki:  ::Drum roll::

> This message is in reponse

Sephiroth:  ::Pulls out a pocket dictionary of misspelled words:: Hmmmm, let’s see. Oh, here it is! Reponse (misspelling of Response) - Verb. To ponse again. [Bob didn't like Kim so he reponsed all over her jacket].
Tasuki:  ::Facefaults:: Whatever that word means...it sure doesn’t sound right in that sample sentence.
Sephiroth:  ::Puts away pocket dictionary:: Yeeees.

> to your request.

Tasuki: Yes, it’s the Tessan Maniacs newsletter!
Aisha: Cool, it’s the ‘Aisha Clan-Clan is so much Better than Gene Starwind is’ Fanclub!
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: But Ranma isn’t here...
Sephiroth:  ::Double blinks:: And mother isn’t, either.
::Everyone but Sephy-sama sweatdrops::

Note: Get it people, they were requesting stuff. Yeah, it’s funny...try not to laugh too hard now..okay? ^_^

> It is important that you

Ukyo: ...ignore every single word in this entire message.

> read this message as soon as possible. Again I urge you

Aisha:  ::Imitating a lady from a Herbal Essences commercial:: Urge? I
got the urge to herbal. ::Pretends to wash hair all slutty like in the
commercial::
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the back-up singers:: She’s got the urge
to...::Looks over at Aisha:: ...oh man, now I have the urge to...
Ukyo: Whoa buddy! ::Pulls out a censor bar from hammerspace:: None of
that here!

> to read this message to its fullest!

Tasuki: Maybe if he repeats the importance of this message again I’ll
read the first paragraph.

> Last year 72% of bankruptcies could have been saved by

Tasuki: ...’Get Out of Bankruptcy’ Man!

> an extra $200 a month. We are an International E-Commerce Mail Order Company looking for

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ....porno, lots and lots of porno.

> people with a Good Work Ethic

Aisha: ...need not apply.

> and the Desire to Earn $500 - $1,500 per Month Part Time or $2,000 - $7,500+ per Month Full Time Working From Home or Office!

Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Oh come on! Who in their right mind wants to go
and make money?

> The demand for our product line (over 150 different products)

Ukyo: It would be nice to know what these products *were.*

> is so great we need to train more people to process the orders and service the growing customer base.

Sephiroth: Well I need a million gil, a bag of summon materia, and a DVD
collection of all the James Bond movies! Do you see me complaining,
though? No!

> To better assist you in the understanding E-Commerce

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...will become your religion. You
will live, breathe, and sleep E-Commerce.

> and what the world is raving about

Ukyo: Uhhhh....being like Buddy Lee?
Aisha: Uhhhh....The Sims:  Get a Life add-on?
Sephiroth: Uhhhh....the new thirty-four and a half cent stamp featuring
Mr. Ed?
Tasuki: Uhhhh....new Simpsons episodes?

> with E-Commerce and the Internet, I URGE

Ukyo:  ::Glares at Seph and Aisha:: Don’t even think about it!

> you to read this message for your own training and understanding on what it can do for you.

Aisha: Well, for one, it helps your proofreading skills.

> Everyone is excited

Sephiroth: Woah, woah, woah! ::Imitating that lady from SNL:: Simmer down
now!

> about E-Commerce.

Everybody:  ::Yawn::

> We recently opened our business in India

Ukyo: Well, it’s a good thing they didn’t run a beef industry. They would
be punched in the face repeatedly by ever Hindu *in* India.

> and with that we are trying to help as many people start and generate

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company, or whatever:: ...not generate,
degenerate. Did we say ‘generate?’ Sorry.

> foreign and local business in India as fast as possible. As the Economy in India is tested, this opportunity right now is the fastest growing industry in India,

Tasuki: I thought it was being tested in India though?

> Panama,

Aisha: You know, those guys have a canal.
Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Thank you for that Aisha.
Aisha: You’re welcome! ^_^

> Cyprus, Korea,

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: There isn’t any country named Korea. There’s only
North Korea and South Korea. Geez, is this message pre-Korean War or
what?

> China and Japan. This is a U.S. Based Company

Ukyo:  ::Feigns a gasp:: Really? I never would have guessed...considering
this message *is* in English!

> so it is very exciting to

Aisha: ...watch paint dry.

> be growing by doubling and tripling

Sephiroth: Well you can’t be doubling and tripling at the same time, you
can only do one at a time!

> in over 50 Countries

Ukyo:  ::Tilts head:: I never knew country was a proper noun.
Sephiroth: Well, it is now!

> right now.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating a person with a stop watch:: No, now! I mean, now!
Seriously, right now! Go!

> Expected growth in the next three years is

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...zero, as usual.

> 80 % in each country with new countries opening every day.

Aisha:  ::Arches eyebrows:: New countries are opening? Oh no,
competition!
Tasuki:  ::Imitating a manager of a new store:: Okay, put that banner
right there! Yes, Tasukistan is now open for business!!!

Note: It’s funny ‘cause it’s not really a country. ^_^

> We are expected to reach the world

Sephiroth: Note to self, armageddon is coming soon. Other note to self,
destroy Cloud.

> in the next 4 years and with that you can imagine

Ukyo: No, I can’t! You lie!

> the internet

Ukyo: Oh yes, I can so imagine the internet. ::Starts singing:: It’s a
place where, everybody can be happy. It’s the most beautiful place in
the whole...
Sephiroth:  ::Clears throat:: There may be kids reading, so I’m afraid
you can’t continue.

> and E-Commerce is currently growing by 200 % each Quarter.

Aisha: Quarter, you know...twenty-five cents.

> There will be a 2000 % increase in E-Commerce Business and revenues on the Internet in the next 18 Months.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: So, at one dollar a quarter we should
be making....two thousand dollars in one and a half years! Wow, our
company is awesome!

> No special skills or experience is required. We will give you

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ....this message eighty five times
a hour if you don’t work for us!

> all the training and personal support you will need to ensure your

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...failure, errr I mean success.

> success. You will be trained

Tasuki: Potty trained, that is.

> via Internet in the comfort of your own home

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: What if you’re using a library computer?
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: If you happen to be using a public
computer, then steal it so you can use it from the comfort of your own
home. At the bottom of this message, we have several steps to aid you in
this process.

> and you will determine your work hours. A minimum commitment of 7-10 hours a week is required.

Aisha: Little Johnny soon found out that his commitment of six hours and
fifty nine minutes just didn’t cut it for E-Commerce team.

> The income you generate from your efforts can

Aisha: ...barely pay your bills!

> put you back in Control of your Time, Your Finances and Your

Sephiroth: ....menstrual cycle!
Ukyo:  ::Smacks Sephy with her spatula thingy:: Baka!

> Life! If you've tried other opportunities in the past

Tasuki: ...you’re a big, gullible idiot!

> that have failed to live up to their promises, this is different than anything else you are aware of!

Ukyo: How do you know what I’m aware of? Are you psychic? Hmmmm?

> This is not a get rich scheme.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: It’s more of a get rich conspiracy.

> You must work to earn income!

Sephiroth: ....
Aisha: ....
Ukyo: .....
Tasuki:  ::Imitating a golf announcer:: The crowd is speechless at this
message’s ability to state the obvious.

> Your financial past does not have to be your financial future. "There is no security on this earth.

Ukyo: Oh thanks, that makes me feel safe in bed at night.

> There is only opportunity." -Douglas Macarthur

Tasuki: Who’s that?
Aisha: Some general guy in some war...or something.

> Do you feel like you are too busy earning a living to make any real money?

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: Then maybe you should make
counterfeit money for a living!

> Are you tired of living

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...cause if you are we can gladly
kill you for free!

> "paycheck to paycheck" like I was? Do you dream

Aisha: No, but this guy named Martin Luther King, Jr. does.

> of a better lifestyle for yourself and your family? If so, then I urge

Ukyo:  ::Narrows eyes:: Damn it, stop using the word ‘urge!’ There *are*
other synonyms of the word!!
Aisha: Urge? ::Starts singing:: I got...
Ukyo: Oh stop it!!! That joke isn’t funny anymore!

> you to take read

Tasuki: Take read? ::Blinks:: Where should I take read?
Sephiroth: Well, it all depends on where you want to go today!
Tasuki: What are you, Microsoft?
Sephiroth: Wait, how do you know what Microsoft is?
Tasuki: Ummm....hey, look over there! ::Points randomly::
Sephiroth: Where? ::Looks around::
Tasuki: Ja ne! ::Attempts to run away but can’t leave::
Sephiroth: Riiiiight.
Ukyo: That was pretty stupid.

> on

Tasuki: Oh! Take read on! I get it! I’ll take read on in the ring and
I’ll defeat him!

> to better understand why I sent you this message.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the guy who sent this:: ....to annoy, bother, bug,
harass, hassle, irk, irritate, aggravate, and badger *you*!
Ukyo: Someone likes using a thesaurus a little *too* much.

> We provide the system, experience and hands on training. The only thing that we can not give you,

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company, or whatever these people are::
....is money, power, or anything remotely worthwhile.

> but is required is that you, number one have the desire and number two,

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company again:: ...know how to count above
the number two.

> is that you are

Tasuki:  ::Again, imitating the company or whatever:: ...a complete and
total idiot who is easily coaxed into doing things like this.

> teachable. We know that you have some level of desire because you are reading this letter.

Aisha: Well, it wasn’t our decision to read this dumb thing. We *have* to
or we die.
Ukyo: I think that dying might be worth it after this...

> Ask yourself if you are teachable.

Tasuki: Myself, am I teachable?
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating Tasuki’s mind:: Why, no, you aren’t. That’s why
you should get a job at E-Commerce!
Tasuki: Great!

> Everyone evolved in our business

Ukyo: I certainly hope so! If they didn’t evolve they’d still be cave
men..which is probably comparable to the intellect of these guys anyway.

> had three things in common when they got started: 

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: There were all made up, they were all
losers, and they were all named Bill Johnson.

> They saw an opportunity, they were teachable, and they applied what they learned.

Tasuki: Which was fairly useless, because they learned nothing except for
how to use the word ‘urge’ in a sentence.
Ukyo:  ::Screams::

> It's THAT simple.

Sephiroth: How simple is it?
Ukyo:  ::Imitating Rodney Dangerfield:: It’s *so* simple that even my
wife can understand it.
Tasuki: Hey, didn’t we do that joke all ready?
Sephiroth: So we have, so we have....

> And it's THAT powerful.

Tasuki: No it’s not! It’s not even as powerful as....ummmmm....something
weak.

> *************************************

Aisha: This is a math teacher’s worst nightmare, no numbers to multiply!

Note: That’s how a multiplication sign is done on my computer so....it’s
still a joke. Nyah! : P

> Now imagine just for a moment that you

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ....were popular, rich, and surrounded
by beautiful women twenty-four seven. Now, shoot yourself in the head
because you’ll never be like that.

> had a home-based business

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Lucy has a home-based business and makes a fortune from
all that lemonade she sells!

Note: It’s an allusion to Charlie Brown, of course. ^_^

> that provided Spending more time with your family, Unlimited income

Sephiroth: Unlimited income? Is that even possible?

> based on YOUR efforts,

Sephiroth: Woah, someone is emphasizing a little *TOO* much.

> Freedom from commuting, Not having your kids in day care,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ....although, you’d wish they were in
day care after two days.

> Affordable health care for your family,

Tasuki: Those are called HMOs, and they aren’t very good.

> Significantly helping others with their lives,

Sephiroth: Help others? Why the hell would *I* wanna do that?

> Loving what you do and doing what you love,

Ukyo: You realize that there is some underlying sexual innuendo in that
statement, do you not?
Sephiroth:  ::Blinking:: Doing what you love....loving what you do? Oh, I
get it! They’re talking about having sex!
Ukyo:  ::Flatly:: Good one... ::Smacks Seph again::

> Having your own business/being your own boss Sounds too good to be true?

Aisha: Not capitalizing a Word in the middle of a sentence, does it sound
too good to be true? Well, it is...

> That's what we thought, but today our dreams are coming true and now we're here to help you,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ....for just five thousand easy
payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling!

> like others have helped us!

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Why would people go out of there way just to help a
person they don’t even know? Something doesn’t make sense here...
Ukyo: Welcome to the world of get rich quick schemes my friend.

> **********************************************

Sephiroth: HEY! These asterisks are not congruent with the other set of
asterisks! What’s up with that? This is an outrage!

> We like to get right to the point...

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company or some such entity:: ...we don’t really
have a point, we were just wasting your time all along.

> so here is what we have to offer you: 

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the people behind this scheme:: ....two paper clips, a
pack of Ripley’s Juicy Fruit bubble gum, a stale bag of Fritos, and a
worn out pair of Nikes.

> A well established, financially stable company,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the beings behind this plot of plots:: Did we say
well established and financially stable? Well, we meant poorly
established and fiscally challenged.

> 2 Billion dollar + sales

Sephiroth:  ::Puts thumb to mouth like Dr. Evil:: Two billion dollars!!!!
Mwahahahaha!

> / publicly traded, Patented,

Ukyo: Kami, even Majin doesn’t have grammar that’s *this* atrocious!
::The voice of Majin comes out of nowhere::
Voice of MV: Hey, I resemble that remark!
Ukyo: Why yes, yes you do.
Voice of MV: Okay good, as long as that’s settled.

> exclusive, high demand consumable products,

Sephiroth: Are they price elastic or price inelastic?
Aisha:  ::Imitating a thug:: We’re getting all economist on you, beoach!

> Comprehensive, high-tech in home training, Phenomenal

Tasuki: Nooo! Not Pheromones! Noooo!
Ukyo: Uhhh, that was the last message Tasuki.
Tasuki: Errr, oh yeah. I knew that.
Ukyo: Sure ya did.

> support system, Worldwide income opportunities (especially through E-Commerce), Exotic paid vacations

Tasuki: Oh look, the only place they don’t put a comma needs one. Go
figure.

> and Minimal start up investment.

> ARE YOU GETTING A BIT CURIOUS?

Everybody: No, not in the least!
Aisha: Learn how to turn off the caps lock key, by the way!

> GREAT!

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Tony the Tiger is gonna sue your ass into next week for
taking his slogan!

> That's fine... as long as

Ukyo: ...you watch two robots fight each other!

> you're serious! Because our business is bursting at the seams,

Aisha:  ::Faking a concerned voice:: You really should get that sewn up
then.

> we ONLY have time to work

Sephiroth: You poor, pathetic, losers. All work and no play makes
E-Commerce a dull company.

> with serious, motivated people who are ready to make changes in their life NOW!

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: And that change is not having money
instead of having it.

>And because of the time we spend with each of you

Aisha: Isn’t that illegal?
Ukyo: No, spending time with a person and paying them for their...errr
services, is.
Aisha: Oh.

> as we help you get your business off the ground, we have limited number

Sephiroth: We have limited number? What kind of English is that?

> of openings available. Here is what you need to do...

Sephiroth: ...1) Give me all of your assets, 2) Let me become your
leader, 3) Allow me to command you to do whatever I want, 4) Destroy
Cloud Strife.
Tasuki: Geez, you’re one harsh ruler.
Sephiroth: I’m a villain, I’m supposed to be harsh and evil!
Tasuki: Oh yeah.

> This business fell into my lap

Aisha:  ::Facefaults:: Wouldn’t having a huge business building fall into
your lap result in a fatal injury?
Ukyo: I think they meant it figuratively, or at least tried to make it
figurative....I dunno which.
Aisha: I see, I see.

> in September of 1997.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating an old person:: Ahhhh, good ol’ ‘97. Those were the
days! We had it harder than you kids these days! We had computers that
only had 360 megahertz! We only had Simcity 2000, you kids have Simcity
*3000*! We only had ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ on five times a
week, instead of six! We had it tough back then, what with the war going
on and everything!
Aisha: Ummmm Tasuki...I don’t think America *was* in a war in 1997.
Tasuki:  ::Back to normal:: Oh, really? Well...uhhh..they should have
been in one then!
Aisha: Riiiight.

> I got started as a customer

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the guy:: ....of what, I’m not quite sure. ::Back to
normal:: I mean, they didn’t even tell us what they sell yet!

> and woke up

Sephiroth:  ::Sarcastically:: Wow, he woke up! Whoopie! You don’t see me
sending messages around because I woke up, do ya? No!

> when my wife made an extra $500 in the first week.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the guy who is talking or whatever:: ...as a
prostitute.

> At the time I was an Active Duty Marine living paycheck to paycheck making less that $19,000 a year. I was

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the guy:: ....lying about what I said in that last
sentence, and the whole message. I’m really a pervert named Dave.

> attending college at a local University

Aisha: Good old Local University! That’s my alma mater y’know!
Ukyo: You don’t *have* an alma mater!
Aisha: Well...I used to.
Ukyo: No, you didn’t.
Aisha: You’re right.

> and had two children. $500 at that time would have been a dream come true.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the guy:: So, we sold one of our kids to the
local meat factory for the money.

> I got started and

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the guy:: ....I did *not* pass Go, and I did
*not* collect two hundred dollars.

> in our first month I earned $2700 profit, and in the first four months my wife and I made $19,000 profit.

Tasuki: So, I should trust a person I don’t know who says they made
money. How am I supposed to know, anyway?

> I had made more in 4 months than I made in an entire year as an active duty Marine just part time working 10 - 12 hrs a week.

Ukyo:  ::Facefaults:: Well duh, you don’t get as much money if you work
at a job part time! It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out!

> The average person can start earning any where from $25.00 - $75.00 an hour from their home or office computers without dedicating allot

Aisha: I think they meant ‘a lot’ there, not ‘allot.’
Sephiroth: Me too, it makes more sense. Unless they were dedicating to
allocate stuff...

> of time and effort. Most of us have been thinking

Ukyo: Oh no! They’re thinking again! Men, in your positions!
Tasuki: Uhhhh...what?
Sephiroth: I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about.
Ukyo: Oh nevermind!

> it's about time

Aisha:  ::Singing:: ....for a party at my house, and it won’t be the same
without you. No, not at all as I recall, you’ve got what I need.

> we took advantage of this Internet

Tasuki: Ewwww, taking advantage of the internet. Isn’t that rape?

> Craze. Through out

Tasuki: ....is one word.

> the Holidays and especially the last year, every thing that we have seen on Television and heard on the Radio has either started or ended with www. -----------. Com

Aisha: Ummmm, no. I never saw anything on TV that started or ended with
www.-----------.com. Never heard of a web address like that one, either.

> and the reason why is because

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ....we have *no* clue what we’re
selling or what we’re talking about.

> the Internet has truly simplified

Sephiroth: No, the internet made everything more complex as a matter of
fact.
Ukyo: Yeah, seriously. Have you ever used AOL?

> shopping,

Tasuki: Oh yes, it was just *so* hard to go to the store and actually
speak to a person.

Note: Yes, I have a few qualms with people who *only* shop on the
‘net....so sue me.

> convenience which frees up more time for all of us to turn that time into quality time.

Aisha: Why didn’t you just say that? Bah, you moron!

> Security and convenience has been

Aisha: Yes, they have been. ::Rolls eyes:: Twit.

> technologically advanced to give us all the piece of mind.

Sephiroth: No, security and convenience are technologically advanced
because people can make money off of it.

> E-Commerce is so

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ....stupid that you really
shouldn’t waste your time investing in it. We don’t like capital at
E-Commerce! We say nay to your capital, nay! We are communists!
Ukyo: The more you talk the less you make sense...
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Exactly, I was imitating E-Commerce.

> rampant

Tasuki: Rabid?
Aisha: No Tasuki, rampant. Although...they just may be rabid.

> right now that most of the states in the U.S. are buying their groceries over the Internet

Tasuki: Since when?
Sephiroth: Yeah really, I never heard about that. And if people bought
their groceries on shoprite.com or whatever, they really need a life.

> This is your opportunity to

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ....take over the world!
Aisha:  ::Ditto:: ....deploy a puppet government in Sweden, for no
apparent reason!
Ukyo:  ::See above action:: ....be stung by a million bees!
Tasuki:  ::What do you think?:: ....become a follower of the Power
Rangers cult!

> take advantage of the E-commerce

Ukyo: *The* E-Commerce? I wasn’t even aware that this was a real word.

> that is literally changing the way the world does business.

Tasuki: Y’know, if they added in a ‘their’ in between ‘does’ and
‘business’, the whole meaning of the sentence would change completely.
Instead of doing business literally, they’d be doing business as
in...using the bathroom. ::Snicker::
Ukyo: Oh, grow up!

> Internet Marketing Group will show you how you can work at home

Aisha: Simple, you don’t go to an office building to work. That’s how you
work at home.

> using your very own e-commerce storefront. Our opportunity is the only business of its kind right now.

Sephiroth: Well hip freakin’ hooray.

> It's growing

Aisha:  ::Imitating a movie trailer:: ....it’s pulsating, it’s the blob’s
bastard son, the slob! Coming to a theater near you in 2062!

> by leaps and bounds and you can be a part of it while you work at home. The Work at Home Network

Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Hmmm, I wonder what those guys do?
Sephiroth: Work at home.
Ukyo: So it’s not just a clever name!

Note: Yes, that joke is sorta like the one in Wayne’s World. No way you
say, to this I say, WAY! ^_^

> with our company

Tasuki: If they’re a network that works at home, how are they with your
company? Technically, that’s impossible.

> was reviewed and published Wall Street Journal, Business Week,

Aisha: The supplement to Business Week is better.
Ukyo: And that would be...?
Aisha: Business Month, of course! ::Drum roll::
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrop::

> Home PC, Forbes, Success,

Tasuki: ...is something you won’t be seeing anytime soon.

> and Money,

Sephiroth: How do you publish money?

> just to name a few.

Tasuki: Well stop!

> You can work at home

Ukyo:  ::Facefaults:: We know all ready, you said it fifty million times!
Tasuki: No, they haven’t.
Ukyo: I was being facetious!
Tasuki: Errr, all right, if you say so.

> and use the Internet to run your business.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a prank caller:: Is your business running?
Aisha:  ::Imitating the person on the other end:: Ummmm, yeah why?
Sephiroth: Well, you better go catch it! ::Stupid laugh::
Aisha:  ::Back to normal:: That would be funny if the year was 1973.
Sephiroth:  ::Also back to normal:: Agreed, but we’d probably be on the
Sputnik instead of this satellite....
Aisha:  ::Flatly:: Shut up.

> You can market our high demand consumable products

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: These things sell so fast, that even
*we* don’t know what they are!

> that are geared and driven by

Tasuki: Oh look, it’s a pun! ::Grumbles:: Bakas.

> the needs of over eighty- percent of the world's population. Our products sell them selves,

Ukyo: Nine economists out of ten agree that these products don’t sell
themselves. The other economist was really drunk at the time and thought
today was ‘Get Really Drunk Day’ aka St. Patrick’s Day.

> so there is no selling

Sephiroth: Good, the damn things sell themselves! It’s about time the
lazy bums got off of their feet and sold themselves!

> or need for out right

Aisha: That would be a compound word like ‘themselves’. Get it? Got it?
Good!

> sales techniques. Also because they are high demand consumable products, return business, on going business, and referral business

Sephiroth:  ::Sarcastically:: You guys and your crazy vocabulary! I can
hardly understand it!
Tasuki: Hey, is referral business the kind that refers to you behind your
back?
Sephiroth: If you want it to be...
Tasuki: All right!

> is generated.

Aisha:  ::Singing:: I’m a generator I’m a....
Ukyo: Don’t, don’t. Just stop singing. Stop that insistent singing!

> By working at home, you

Ukyo: ....don’t work in an office building.

> reduce overhead,

Tasuki: Nani?
Aisha: I don’t get it, what the hell is overhead?
Sephiroth: That thing that projects acetate on a screen, that’s an
overhead.
Ukyo:  ::Facefaults:: Not *that* kind baka! They’re talking about costs!
Sephiroth: Well, they could have just *said* costs.
Ukyo: Yeah, that’s true. I think they’re trying to have less people
understand, you know...because they have these high demand things or
whatever.

> set your own schedule, be your own boss, and achieve your own goals. Be an entrepreneur, WORK AT HOME!

Sephiroth: No! I will not give in! Never! Ever ever ever ever....
Aisha: Yeah, we understand your point.
Sephiroth: ....ever ever ever ever *EVER!*

> The Market Opportunity is colossal.

Tasuki: ....but not as big as the Colossus of Rhodes....errr used to be.

> Over 1/2

Aisha:  ::Smacks head:: Geez guys, you forgot to put the Ranma in front
of the 1/2. Sheesh, they can’t get a thing right!

> of American homes have a computer, and E-Commerce sales are increasing month on month.

Tasuki: Month on month? Uhhhhh.....
Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Hey, isn’t that some kind of sex position?
Ukyo:  ::Smacks Sephy-sama with her spatula thingy again:: Baka!

> America is looking for a better way to buy our products and now with this opportunity you can. The Work at Home Network

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...will devour your soul.

> a brand of e-commerce that is enabled and energized.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the CEO of the company:: E-Commerce power, activate!
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a chief executive at the company:: E-Commerce
power, activate.
Tasuki: Form of, a dollar bill!
Sephiroth: Shape of, a pink slip!
Ukyo: I’m sure the bad guys will be terrified of the ‘E-Commerce Twins’.
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: You know it!

> The five top industries in the world are

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...not speaking to us at all anymore.

> Medical - Health - Nutrition, Computer, Personal Care, Communication and the Burial Businesses due to the Baby Boomers.

Aisha: Oh, that’s *nice* to know. They’re basically saying more people
are dying than before.

> The Work at Home Network put them all into a package

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...and sent them to Zimbabwe.
Aisha: That’s Garfield, very Garfield.

> except for the Burial Business.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ....we stuck them in the ground.
Aisha: Well, that’s not very nice.
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Oh well, I’m evil....what do you want?
Aisha: Good point, I suppose.

> Our industries are guaranteed to

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: .....fail miserably if you invest
*any* money in it at all.

> be the fastest growing industries for the next 18

Sephiroth: Heeey! That’s an android!

> years and each year sales have doubled almost tripled.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: Uhhhh, since we can’t agree whether
they doubled or tripled, let’s just say they increase a lot.

> If your country is listed here,

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...then congratulations, you don’t
live in a third world country!

> you are eligible to start doing business immediately. (Argentina,

Aisha:  ::Starts singing:: Don’t cry for me Argentina!
Ukyo: Whoever saw that joke coming a mile away raise your hand!
::Everyone but Aisha raises their hands::
Aisha: Oh, be quiet!

> India, Cyprus, Greece,

Sephiroth:  ::Whispering:: I wonder if they know they’re country is the
name of something you cook with?
Ukyo: I think they’re *pretty* aware of that.
Tasuki:  ::Imitating Homer Simpson:: Hmmmmm, grease.

> Poland, Australia, Hong Kong, Russia,

Sephiroth:  ::Using a Russian accent, salutes:: Mother Russia!

> Austria, Indonesia, Portugal, Belgium,

Aisha: Ooooo, I like their waffles!

> Israel, South Africa,

Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Hmmm, I wonder where in the world South Africa
can be.
Aisha: In the southern part of Africa.
Ukyo:  ::Still being sarcastic:: Really? Who would have thought?

> Botswana, Italy, Spain,

Aisha: You know the rain there falls mainly on the plain.

> Brazil, Jamaica, Swaziland, Canada, Japan, Sweden, Chile,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Homer Simpson:: Hmmmmmm, chili.

> Korea, Switzerland,

Sephiroth: During this listing of countries, Switzerland stayed neutral.

> Czech Republic,

Tasuki: Check what republic? ::Drum roll::
Ukyo: Oh come on now, that’s not even remotely humorous.

> Lesotho, Taiwan, Denmark, Mexico,

Aisha:  ::Singing:: Mexican Americans, like to collect welfare.

> Thailand,

Aisha: Thailand, land of...THE CHICKEN THIGHS!

> Dominican Republic, Namibia, Turkey,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Homer Simpson again:: Hmmmmm...turkey.
Hmmmmm...chili. Hmmmm...grease. I can’t decide, I can’t decide!

> Finland, The Netherlands,

Tasuki: Not just *any* Netherlands, *THE* Netherlands.

> United Kingdom, France, New Zealand,

Sephiroth: It’s ten percent better than the old Zealand!

> United States, Germany, Norway, Venezuela, Philippines, Ireland, Panama, Morocco, and China)

Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: I’m glad they listened those countries in no
particular order, it really helped me out.

> However, if your country is not listed here,

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...it means that we hate you and
never want to do business with you *ever.*

> it does not mean we won't be there very soon. Because our company is expanding into several countries a year, yours could be the next one to become available.

Aisha:  ::Imitating one of those auctioneer dudes:: And Greenland is sold
for twenty five cents and a pack of Bazooka Joe bubble gum!

> This is an optimal position to be in, one that you will definitely want to take advantage of.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: If you don’t, then you’re just a big,
fat, stupid poo head!

> Due to the fact that countries can "open"

Tasuki:  ::Nods:: Yeah, countries do open. Like, this one time....I saw a
sign that said ‘Now Open for Business - Vietnam:  Open twenty three hours
a day.’

> only once in our industry, if you are one of the first to receive this valuable information and one of the first to

Sephiroth: ....send it to your trash folder.

> start softening your market, you will belong to an exclusive group of wealthy leaders. Our experience in 50 countries confirms this fact.

Ukyo: Too bad houses don’t count as countries, buddy.

> One of the strongest aspects of our business is

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ....ummmm, I don’t think we have any
strong aspects. We have a few mediocre ones, do those count?

> the on going training

Aisha: With the mention of the word ‘training’, Jet Li and Jackie Chan
signed up for E-Commerce.

> that is offered. We have International Training's on

Sephiroth: Wow, cool! The training is owning the on! That’s great, I
wanna get my very own on someday!

> an ongoing

Tasuki: Notice the pattern of the word ‘on’.
Sephiroth: Coincidence? I think not!

> basis in most major cities.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...except for the ones that have been
blown up.

Note: Yeah, that may be a sore subject...but it’s supposed to be a joke.
Whatever, I think it’s funny. ^_^

> Weekly conference calls are

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ....nonexistent in our company because
they cost too much money.

> also available, as well as satellite television

Sephiroth: Yes! DirectTV is god! I wonder if this place has the NFL
ticket?
Ukyo: Ummmm, Seph....I don’t think that’s what they meant.
Sephiroth:  ::Holds hands over ears:: What? I can’t hear you.
Lalalalalala, lalalalalala, lalalalalala.
Ukyo: Oh, that’s really mature. ::Grumbles:: Baka.
Sephiroth: Lalalalalala.

> training programs, monthly magazine's and quarterly journals.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: Dear Journal, this quarter sales are
up because I screwed more people out of money by sending them stupid
spam.

> Our company

Aisha:  ::Imitating the entity known as the company:: ....really sucks!
::Chuckles:: Naw, I’m just kidding, it really doesn’t suck *that* much.

> does over 1.5 billion

Sephiroth:  ::Puts finger to month and mimics Dr. Evil again:: One point
five billion dollars!!!! Mwahahaha!
Ukyo: Didn’t we already do that joke?
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Well, yeah.
Ukyo: Uhhhh, okay then.

> US Dollars

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: We decided on using US Dollars because
WE Dollars sound really stupid.

Note: It may be corny, but that never stopped me before! (As you all
know, I’m sure)

> in business annually and you too can be a part of this growth. Maybe some of you have tried other businesses and failed.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: That’s because your all big, fat,
ugly losers! Errr...I mean...

> We welcome you with open arms. Here you will find success because we give you the blueprint to
follow and support you need to develop your own profitable home-based
business. All we ask of you is to be coachable

Aisha: C’mon guys, now you’re just making words up.

> and be willing to learn. We have no need for tire-kickers

Ukyo: Hey, kicking a tire is a tough job! You’ll be hearing from the
tire-kicker union, buddy!

> or window shoppers.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: The people who work for us shouldn’t
have windows, because we hate them. We humbly hope that every window on
Earth will break.

> Please do not request our "decision package"

Tasuki: Okay, if you insist. I wasn’t going to do it anyway.

> if you are not serious about changing the course in your life

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: The course in your life?
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: Of course! ::Snicker:: We’re
selling you a Mario Kart course editor to change the course in your
life!
Aisha: Uhhhh....but life isn’t a big racing course...
Sephiroth: Oh, it isn’t? Bummer!

> right now. By ordering your "decision package", you will receive all you need to get yourself moving towards financial independence.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the stupid company:: Except for the money you just
spent, of course.

> So, if you are tired

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ....try sleeping, if you have a
headache try taking aspirin, if you’re cold turn up the heat, if....
Ukyo: Okay, we got the point.
Tasuki:  ::Back to normal:: You sure?
Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Yes, oh wise prophet.

> of worrying about money

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ....send it to the ‘Give Us All Your
Money Fund’, that way, you won’t have to worry about all that silly
money anymore.

> and tired of choosing what you can live without,

Sephiroth: Hmmmmm, I really can’t live without having a nuclear warhead
in my backyard. I better sign up for this thing quick!
Ukyo: You can’t be serious, can you?
Sephiroth:  ::Evil grin:: Of course I’m serious! I’m the greatest villain
of ALL TIME!
Ukyo: Uhhhh....sure.

> come join the thousands

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: Fit into the mainstream, fit into the
mainstream, fit into the mainstream. You know you want to!

> of us working from home, setting our own schedules, making a fortune and living out our dreams. We invite you to explore how the "Work From Home" Internet Program capitalizes on today's advancements in technology to help you build a successful home-based business.

Aisha: Wow, three lines without a joke. I think we’re losing our touch,
guys.
Tasuki: We’ll fix *that*.

> Have you noticed the surge

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the guys from those Surge commercials::
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGE!
Tasuki: Hey, if you take the ‘s’ out of ‘surge’....you get ‘urge!’
Aisha: Urge? ::Starts doing the Herbal Essences thing:: I got the....
Ukyo:  ::Facefault:: STOP IT ALL READY! ::Cracks Tasuki with her spatula
thingy::

> of people looking to start home-based businesses?

Aisha: No, can’t say I haven’t. I’ve been kinda busy living my life and
all.

> Did you know that 32 million households now have home-based businesses and that number grows every day? Have you asked yourself, "Why?"

Sephiroth:  ::Starts singing:: Have you ever thought to wonder why, ever
thought to wonder why, ever thought to wonder, wonder why?

> Why are so many people, including yourself, interested

Tasuki: Don’t tell me what I’m interested in doing!

> in working from home? Our parents never searched for a business to operate from home nor did their
friends. So, why now and why is it suddenly so popular?

Ukyo:  ::Monotone:: Who cares? We have to do it because it’s popular. Our
goal is to fit into the mainstream.
Aisha:  ::Also monotone:: Yes, you are right Ukyo. Without doing what is
‘cool’, we have no purpose to live. C’mon, let us go buy some Britney
Spears albums and wear the latest slutty clothing that Britney does in
her latest groovy video...haha!

Note: Isn’t brainwashing fun? (You must say yes, you must say yes. Also,
while I’m at it...you must read the rest, you must read the rest. What
did you think I was gonna say something about reviewing here?)
Subliminal messages are nonexistent, kids! ^_^

> Americans are "cocooning".

Sephiroth: ....and in just seven months, they’ll all turn into
butterflies!

> We want to spend less

Tasuki: Well, *DUH!*

> time on the busy freeways commuting, and in over-crowded shopping malls

Aisha:  ::Completely monotone (again):: No, we want to stay in the mall
and shop all day. We want to buy stuff there because it is over-priced
and extremely fashionable. It will make us fit in with the popular kids
if we listen to the Backstreet Boys and wear Abercrome and Finch, we
must do it.
Tasuki: I think that joke is getting a little bit stale....
Aisha:  ::Back to normal:: Yeah, you’re right. And it’s starting to hurt
my voice too.

> and replace that with spending more

Ukyo: Spending more? What a great goal in life! I can’t wait to spend
more on the same product!
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a kid from one of those Monster commercials:: I
want to get paid less for doing the same job.
Tasuki:  ::Ditto:: I want to be forced into early retirement.
Aisha:  ::Ditto again:: I want to be a yes man.
Tasuki: Yes sir.
Sephiroth: Anything sir.

> time at home with our families where it is warm and safe. Apparently, we trust society less

Tasuki:  ::Hides his tessan under his arms:: I’m afraid society is going
to take this away from me!

> and want to protect ourselves and our families from the "cruel" outside world.

Sephiroth: The truth’s the truth, using quotes around the word ‘cruel’
won’t change it either.

> This is the wave

Aisha: ...the First Wave.
Ukyo: What are you, an advertising campaign for the Sci-fi Network?
Aisha: Yeah!
Ukyo:  ::Facefaults:: Errr, okay then...

> of the future

Tasuki:  ::Using a boisterous voice:: It’s the butter knife...OF THE
FUTURE!
Ukyo:  ::Ditto:: It’s the screwdriver...OF THE FUTURE!
Aisha:  ::Also doing the same:: It’s the blow dryer...OF THE FUTURE!
Sephiroth:  ::Yet again doing the same:: It’s the paper towel...OF THE
FUTURE!

Note: Yes, this joke originated from MST 3K....but what the heck, it’s a
funny joke!

> and we are beginning to realize with the advancement in technology, we do not need to be in an office environment in order to access the marketplace and make money.

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Yeah, no kidding. I think all the doctors and lawyers
and engineers and non-office employees knew that already.

> In today's world, the quickest way to build a home-based business is

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ....amazingly, at home!

> to take advantage of the Internet

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the Internet:: Rape! Rape! RAPE!
Aisha: Oh come on now, that’s not cool!
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Well, I *am* evil...
Aisha: Good point, I guess I’ll forgive you because you’re such a lovable
scamp.
Sephiroth: What???
Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Oh, I was talking about Tasuki! Oops, wrong person! I
meant to say because you’re such a fiendishly evil villain.
Sephiroth: Much better.
Tasuki: You think I’m a lovable scamp? Kami, I hate women!
Aisha:  ::Growls:: Why you little!
::Aisha and Tasuki proceed to get into a battle of the verbal kind::

> craze that has hit the United States

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...like a bag of cement.
Aisha: Somebody call the cliché police, that has to be an infraction!
Sephiroth:  ::Pretends to call the cliché police:: Hello? We got an
‘E-Commerce’ company here who just used the phrase “...like a bag of
cement.” What’s the penalty on that?
Tasuki:  ::Imitating the cliché police:: Fifty bajillon years in jail!
Sephiroth: Uhhhh okay, that’s not even a real number.
Tasuki: Errr, either that or a five dollar fine.
Sephiroth:  ::Sweatdrop::

> and is quickly spreading around the world.

Aisha: The Internet Craze, a friendly trend or a deadly fad? You decide!

> Like

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the girl from band from American Pie:: ...this one
time, at band camp I shoved a flute up my....
Tasuki:  ::Coughs:: Explicitly deleted!

> how the Gutenberg Press

Ukyo: Ummm, wasn’t it called the Printing Press? Gutenberg was the guy
who made it...and I’m sure he wouldn’t want to make something that would
press him...

> radically

Sephiroth: Apperantly, this message was written before the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles cornered the market on the phrase ‘radical’.
Tasuki: Tubular!
Aisha: Calbunga!
Sephiroth: Oh, shut up.

> changed the communication world in 16th Century Europe, the Internet is revolutionizing how we communicate,

Aisha: Yeah! Now we all use Internet shorthand! Big improvement in
communication, bah!

> distribute information and the manner in how and where we spend our money.

Ukyo: I don’t know about you guys, but I still spend my money in stores.

> It has been said that those who pursue electronic commerce

Tasuki: Ooooh, so *that’s* where they get their name from.

> (business over the Internet)

Ukyo: Thanks for that brilliant explanation of an obvious concept.

> have the opportunity to build an explosive business.

Sephiroth: All you have to do is use fertilizer and a match, and you’ve
got one explosive business.

> While a conventional business can cost thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars to set up and run successfully, an Internet business costs dramatically

Sephiroth:  ::Clears throat:: *Ahem,* ::Takes out a little book:: My name
is Oedipus, and I killed the Spinix!
Ukyo: Yay!
Aisha: Yay!
Tasuki: Yay!
Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Errr...that was less than dramatic then I intended
it to be.

Note: Get it? Sephy-sama was being a character from drama. Haha, it’s a
laugh riot! Laugh I say, laugh!

> less and has the potential to attract international business for just a fraction of what the traditional company would spend. On average, 30% of all U.S. web traffic is already international and 5% to 20% of all web sales originate from outside the United States.

Tasuki: And I care...why exactly?

> Everyday,

Aisha:  ::Singing:: ...convince myself, of everything I can and can’t
believe.

> these percentages are radically

Sephiroth: Oh for Kami’s sake, use a thesaurus!

> increasing. Consumers worldwide are spending 6.6 billion U.S. dollars

Ukyo: Converted to Canadian dollars, that’s about twenty six dollars and
a pound of bacon.

Note: Yes, that joke is sorta from MST 3K. ^_^

> a year in transactions over the Internet. The awareness level and need for users,

Sephiroth:  ::Singing:: I’m a loser, and a user, so I don’t need no
accuser to try to slag me down because I know you’re right.

> buyers, advertisers and merchants to get onto the Web, and to set-up shop, has dramatically changed even from one year ago. This medium of doing business is skyrocketing,

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Rocket Man has now been replaced by...SKYROCKET MAN!

> and we are reaping the benefits,

Tasuki: How do you harvest benefits?
Ukyo: Well, you don’t.
Tasuki: Oh, nevermind then.

> daily. If you combine the Internet craze with people's desire to work from home and set their own
schedule, you have a powerful team,

Aisha: The Fantastic Four?
Sephiroth: The X-Men?
Ukyo: The Justice League?
Tasuki: The Wonder Twins?
Aisha: The Knight Sabers?
Sephiroth: The Magic Knights?
Ukyo: The Knights of the Round Table?
Tasuki: The Knights of Ramune?
Aisha: The Dirty Pair?
Sephiroth: The Slayers?
Ukyo: The Sorcerer Hunters?
Tasuki: The....errr, I think everyone got the point.

Note: I was naming powerful teams, get it?

> and here is why. Many people have heard of SOHO,

Tasuki: Yeah! Those are like Ding Dongs and Ho Hos!

> and no, we don't mean that hip section of New York City,

Tasuki:  ::Blinks confusedly:: Nani?
Aisha: Hey! That’s very New York Cityist of you!

> rather the S.O.H.O.

Sephiroth: S.O.H.O.? ::Blinks:: Oh, ‘so ho!’, I get it now! That’s what
you say to a prostitute when you give her counterfeit money, you say
“So, ho!” Yeah!
Ukyo:  ::Facefault:: BAKA! ::Cracks Sephy-sama with her spatula thing
again::

> which refers to "Small

Sephiroth: Don’t worry, a lot of guys have that problem!
Ukyo:  ::Cracks Sephy again with her spatula thingy::

> Office/Home Office." One of today's biggest explosions

Aisha:  ::Imitating a censor:: The word ‘explosion’ is being edited out
of this message, due to the events of a certain day where such a thing
occurred. From now on, everytime the term ‘explosion’ comes up...the
term ‘loud noise’ will be used. Thank you.
Tasuki:  ::Imitating a demolition worker:: Wow, that ::Speaks in a
different voice:: LOUD NOISE ::Continues normally:: really destroyed
that building.
Aisha: Due to the content of Tasuki’s joke, the term ‘building’ will be
replaced with ‘small, uninhabited adobe hut’. Thank you, and good day.
Tasuki: I’m sure glad that that ::Speaks in a different voice:: LOUD
NOISE ::Continues normally:: destroyed that ::Speaks in a different
voice again:: SMALL, UNINHABITED ADOBE HUT.

> in the economy. The home-based business has been born out of necessity. In an era where large corporations can only think of downsizing, what are your options?

Sephiroth: Super sizing your fries for only ninety nine cents extra!

> There is no security in Corporate America any more!

Ukyo:  ::Flatly:: Keep on crushing my dreams, just keep doing it.

> Not only are tens of thousands of workers and managers being downsized out of their companies, but also thousands of men and women are tired of the corporate "rat race"

Ukyo: The real movie is called ‘It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World’.

Note: I’m talking about the movie ‘Rat Race’, but you probably knew that.

> and want to retreat to a home-based business.

> If you decide to "stick it out" in Corporate America or the Corporate World, your choices could boil down to finding a lucrative niche in the small business world,

Sephiroth: And that’s a bad thing, why?

> standing in line at the unemployment office,

Tasuki: Couldn’t you just get a job *and* not stand in line?

> or accepting a cut in pay and benefits. We were all raised to give 9 hours work for 8 hours pay,

Aisha: Well, I wasn’t. If I work nine hours, they better give me nine
hours pay! If they don’t, I’ll go feral on them!
Ukyo: She isn’t joking y’know, she can turn into a cat creature at will!
Aisha: Damn straight!

> and we are not backing away from that. Today's large companies have no loyalty to the employees.

Tasuki:  ::Gasp:: Really?

> Their only loyalty is to the bottom line.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating The Rock:: And that’s the bottom line! Oh wait...it
*actually* is the bottom line this time. Neat!

> And the bottom line is exactly where most of us are when it's time to cut back.

Sephiroth: But, hey, you’ll never be able to change it!

> Your life is suddenly turned upside down because you have no control over your future.

Sephiroth: Technically, none of us have control over our future.

> Someone who has no idea of the quality of your work makes these decisions behind closed doors or the extra time you gave the company without requesting overtime. They don't know about your family's life: 

Ukyo: And they really don’t care, as they have their *own* family and
their *own* life.
Aisha:  ::Imitating the dudes from the Salem Witch Trials:: Hey, they
don’t know about my family’s life! They must be witches!

> they don't understand that you just put braces on your child's teeth and now have to pay for them.

Aisha: What are they, idiots? Who wouldn’t understand a simple thing like
that?

> These "decision makers" job is to be impersonal and unbiased in all areas except for the company's "best interests." In other words:  TO THEM, YOU REALLY DON'T MATTER.

Tasuki: No kidding, we all knew that.
Sephiroth: Yeah, really. I think I learned that in fourth grade!
Ukyo: Isn’t that a little young? And...I thought you weren’t born under
normal conditions...and spent your life in a lab, more or less.
Sephiroth: Okay, fifth grade. Happy! Oh, yeah...my birth right. Well
ummm....you’re thinking about my twin brother ummm....Zephewroth
Ukyo:  ::Flatly:: You just made all that up.
Sephiroth: Yeah, so? Does it make me a bad person?
Ukyo: You’re supposed to be a bad person...
Sephiroth: Exactly!
Ukyo: Whatever.

> The Great American Dream is gone.

Aisha:  ::Singing:: The political scene, is falling apart at the seams,
it’s the end of the American dream.

> Official U.S. government reports indicate that

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the definition of “is” has changed
because of the Clinton Impeachment Hearings.
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company as well:: ...two plus two doesn’t
actually equal four, they have found out now that two plus two is six.
Tasuki:  ::Ditto:: ...nitroglycerin is an *excellent* alternative to
milk.
Aisha:  ::Also doing the same:: ...times change, great TV doesn’t.

> more than 3.5 million jobs have been eliminated in the past 10 years - including over 2000 jobs per
day last year alone - and an estimated 55% of all jobs created in the
next 10 years will be near minimum wage in stores, restaurants, and
bars.

Tasuki: Are they discriminating against stores, restaurants, and bars
just because they’re minimum wage jobs?
Sephiroth: Yep, they most certainly are.
Tasuki: I’m calling my lawyer!
Sephiroth: Errr...you don’t have a lawyer!
Tasuki: Oh yeah, well ummm...I’m calling...uhhh...Chiriko!
Sephiroth:  ::Facefaults::

> 90% of all the people in North America

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...die. The other 10% somehow found a
spring of immortality and never die.

> earn less than $40,000

Aisha:  ::Imitating Eddie Murphy:: $40,000? Good lord that’s a lot of
money!

Note: I’m not quite sure if it was Eddie Murphy who said that or
whatever...so, like...yeah.

> a year and today's two-income family are not living as well as their parents did.

Sephiroth: Despite advancements in technology and health care, I think
not.

> So what is the alternative to the to the

Ukyo: Quick, someone hit the screen! I think the message is skipping!
Tasuki:  ::Gets up and kicks the screen::
Ukyo: I said hit it, not kick it...
Tasuki:  ::Curses to himself and then gets up again, and hits the
screen:: There, happy?
Ukyo: Very.

> Great American Job?

Tasuki: The Great American ‘Mooch Money off of Your Neighbors’ program.

> Richard Poe,

Ukyo: I sure hope they said ‘Poe’.

> former senior editor for "Success Magazine,"

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: Richard Poe was the former senior
editor for the magazine because he’s a failure.

> describes in his recent book that a shift

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company (yet again):: ...is used to capitalize
the first letter of the first word in a sentence! Like so!

> in thinking has resulted in over 14 million people working from home full-time, and another 13 million part-time. This number is increasing by almost 600,000 per year. And the average work from home income is $50,250 per year,

Tasuki: Prove it!

> about twice the average income of wage earners working for someone else.

Ukyo: So, basically, these guys are saying, “Destroy the rest of the
economy so you can work at home!” Yep, they’re terrorists.

> By the end of the decade over 44% of us will be working from home.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the other 66% will be working from
the depths of Hell! Mwahahahahaha!
Sephiroth: Somebody is mixing up their imitations again.
Ukyo:  ::Back to normal:: Whoops! Well...uhhh, these E-Commerce people
are pretty much the same thing as Satan.
Sephiroth: True, very true.

> Home based business wage earner's success rate is over

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...5%! Yep, that’s right, you’ll be
*that* successful!

> 85% compared with small businesses like retail shops and restaurants, at about 95% failure rate after 5 years.

Aisha: Just because it’s around Halloween time, you don’t have to go
scaring us for no reason. Geez.

> Couple

Aisha:  ::Imitating a student and raises hand:: That means two people!

> that with the flexibility

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...of Plastic Man, we will be able to
rule the WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

> we have to change our schedules and set our hours and then those of us who are parents are now
available when our children need

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...to appear in court because of
that pending assault charge.
Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...to go to soccer practice, band
practice, wrestling practice, chorus practice, football practice,
cheerleading practice, and every other practice fathomable.
Tasuki:  ::Ditto:: ...to protect the world from impending evil forces.
Aisha:  ::Doing the same:: ...to bring out the inevitable destruction of
the world, starting...now.

> us, plus we

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...can add.

> no longer have the need for the "foster

Ukyo: Foster’s, Australian for beer.

> homes" we call day cares,

Tasuki:  ::Tilts head:: I never called a day care a “foster home”
before...

> where the care-givers get to

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...well, give care. What else would
they do, ya moron!

> see all the "firsts" your child performs.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a parent:: Oh, wow! It’s baby’s first murder
trial!

> There's no wonder

Aisha:  ::Hitting a jar she pulled out of hammerspace:: Wait, yeah there
is! There’s a little wonder left in here!

> the number

Ukyo: Wow, they’re regular rappers. I guess they’re just poets and they
don’t know it.

> of people looking to work from home has skyrocketed. This "New Era" of financial growth is largely
due to the latest technologies that are now available to those who
desire to work from home. Imagine what it would be like to run

Aisha: I’m running, I’m running, I’m moving at a high speed. Wow, this is
so cool!

> an international operation if you so choose, right from the comfort of your own home. Well, this is exactly what we offer!

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a sports announcer:: And the crowd
is....completely indifferent!
Aisha: ....
Tasuki: ....
Ukyo: ....

> We offer a "freedom"

Aisha: Yay! ::Sarcastically:: They’re forming their own country!

> that is available through a constant flow

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Butt-head:: Heh heh heh, they said flow, heh heh heh
heh.
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating Bevis:: FLOW! Heh heh heh, FLOW FLOW FLOW! Heh
heh heh.
Ukyo:  ::Puts hand on her head and sweatdrops:: Bakas.
Tasuki: Heh heh heh, she said baka, heh heh heh.
Sephiroth: Heh heh, BAKA! Heh heh, heh heh. That’s cool! Maybe we’ll
score, heh heh heh, baka! Heh heh.

> of income that does not depend on the whims of a boss, bonuses or the economy.

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: How can getting paid not be dependent upon the economy?
That makes no sense. If there was *no* economy, you wouldn’t be able to
get paid.

> Take a look at some of these statistics: 

Aisha: Do we have a choice?

> At age 50, 75% of the population

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...forgot how to drive.

> has less than $5,000 in the bank for retirement. At age 65, 45% of Americans depend on relatives, 30% depend on charities, 23% are still working

Sephiroth: Well, that’s what they get for dropping out of high school.
They get a nice comfy job at Burger King for $7.50 an hour.

> (most can't afford to quit and work until they are no longer physically capable) and Only

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Did they just start a new sentence there, or what?
Aisha: Nope, it’s just their stupid pattern of capitalizing Words where
ever they damn want.
Tasuki: Oh, all right.

> 2% are self-sustaining. At the present time, it is impossible

Ukyo:  ::Using an overly dramatic voice:: What’s that you say,
impossible? Why, nothing is impossible...except for this one
mission....errr...nevermind.

> to support a family

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...so, stop having sex you morons!

> of two working full time at minimum wage!

Sephiroth: This company really forgot about all of those jobs that pay
you more than minimum wage.

> For the first time in history,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...England took over the world!
Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...Monday wasn’t manic!
Sephiroth:  ::Ditto:: ...Jeopardy aired under the sea!
Ukyo:  ::Come on, you know the drill by now:: ...someone got Sunday night
fever!

> the current generation

Aisha:  ::Using an Irish accent:: ‘Tis a generation of the sea, laddie.

> is averaging a lower standard of living

Tasuki:  ::Crosses arms:: Slackers.

> then their parents! Automation is

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...completely evil, and it must be
stopped soon!

> taking layoffs to record highs!

> The Bureau of Labor Statistics

Sephiroth: Ooooo, it’s the BLS! I just knew they’d come and save the day,
I just knew it!
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:  I think it’s more BS than BLS....
Sephiroth: Yeah, you’re probably right. Damn!

> says that Out

Aisha:  ::Imitating an umpire:: Ball! Safe! Strike!

> of 100 people

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...four people read this message.
Sephiroth:  ::Counts:: One, two, three...four! Hey, we’re the four
reading this message!
Tasuki:  ::Back to normal, sweatdrops:: Well....obviously!!!!!!

> that start working at the age of 25, by the age of 65... - 1 is wealthy

Aisha: Negative one? But that makes no sense...

> - 4 have enough money to retire - 63 depend on social security or charity - 29 are deceased 95% of people,

Aisha: Woah, learn to slow down your sentences!

> age 65 and over cannot afford to retire and work until they die!!

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: No need to use two exclamation points, we got the
point!! Oh great!! Now *I’m* doing it!!

> What

Sephiroth:  ::Singing:: ...would you doooooo for a Klondike bar?

> Happened to Safety & Security?

Tasuki: They got beaten up by their older brothers Sanctuary and
Immunity.

> Why

Aisha:  ::Singing:: ...won’t you, believe me, when I tell you...the
things that I say. I’ll still see ya tomorrow...AT THE SHOW!

> we no longer put our trust & faith

Aisha: Well, that just destroyed the concept of that George Michaels
song.
Sephiroth:  ::Singing:: ‘Cause ya gotta have faith a faith a faith..
Aisha: Don’t start singing the blasted song!!!!!
Sephiroth: Errrr, okay.

> in "Big Business".

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the people (person?) reading this:: So, let’s
blindly put our trust and faith into this small business! I am sure that
a small business will never cheat us out of money, ever, because they
are not large enough to do such a deed! And besides, they are very
honest...and small..

> In J. Paul Getty's book

Ukyo: He’d be a best seller, if anybody ever heard of him.

> "How To Get Rich",

Sephiroth: Is that the financial kinda rich or is that the chocolate kind
rich?

> his first rule for success is,

Aisha:  ::Imitating that J. Paul Getty dude:: ...”Look both ways before
crossing the street.”
Ukyo:  ::Ditto:: ...”Don’t sit too close to the TV, because it will emit
cathode rays that will poison your brain.”
Sephiroth:  ::Also doing the same:: ...”Write a book called ‘How to Get
Rich’ and sell a lot of copies of it.”

> "You must

Tasuki: *No,* you don’t get a choice. You *must* do this.

> be in business for yourself.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...if you are not, you will be tried as
a witch in Salem.

> You will never get rich

Aisha:  ::Imitating a bully older brother:: ...so just stop trying to do
it already, you moron!

> working

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating dos company:: ...the only way you will get rich
is if you beg for your money, like we do!

> for someone else."

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...so, work with yourself *and*
play with yourself.
Ukyo: You did that on purpose, didn’t ya?
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Who, me?
Ukyo: Yes, you!
Tasuki:  ::Singing:: Can you guess who it’s a mystery!? Can you guess who
it’s a mystery!?
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Ummm, we’re not advertising a stupid game now.
Advertising a stupid game time is later, Tasuki, right now is argue with
Sephiroth time.
Tasuki: Uhhhh, okay?
Sephiroth: You have a *time* for that?
Ukyo: Yep, it’s at 4: 55 PM everyday.
Sephiroth:  ::Sweatdrops::

> This partly explains why someone starts a new home-based business in the United States every 10 seconds.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...twenty two seconds later they die as
a result of drunk driving. Don’t let statistics fool *you!*

> In the past 14 years alone,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...5,110 days have passed!

> the numbers of home-based businesses have grown from 6 million to

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...just six.

> 32 million with no slow - down

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Slow minus down? Oh, it’s one of those puzzles! I get
it, they’re saying ummm....I don’t get it. There isn’t any down in slow
to subtract. I’m so confused. @_@
Ukyo: We all are, we all are.

> in sight. In fact, an estimated 8,493 new home businesses open every day.

Aisha: How is that number convincing us?
Ukyo: Well, everyone else is doing it, so we have to.
Aisha: Oh yeah, the law of ‘peer pressure’.

> The United States

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...are united, stupid. ::Back to
normal:: But not all of them are states, some of them are commonwealths.
::Blinks:: Are those the United Commonwealths?

> is now driven

Sephiroth: How can you drive a country?
Aisha: With one really large car pool! ::Drum roll::

> by an information and service economy. Over the past decade,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...ten years have passed.
Ukyo: We sort of did that joke already, and it now is rated with a funny
factor of 4.2
Tasuki:  ::Back to normal:: Is that good?
Ukyo: Yeah, considering the former one had a funny factor of 0.2

> Fortune 500

Aisha:  ::Sarcastically:: Wow, what a *great* name!

> companies have laid

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...that is, have had sex with.
Ukyo: How did I know you were gonna say that?
Sephiroth: If you put it in another tense, these people have lain some
other peoples. In the present, they lay them.
Ukyo: ......Shut up.
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Okay.

> off 4.4 million workers while smaller companies steadily continue to reduce their work forces.

Tasuki: So, what they’re really trying to say is, if you work for them,
you’ll get laid off *anyway!*

> As companies continue to downsize and re-organize,

Aisha: There isn’t a hyphen in reorganize, it’s *ONE* word!

> many professionals

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...are more skilled than novices, but
the really bad ones *aren’t*.

> will seek out and search for new ways to take control of

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the thing formally known as ‘The Company’::
...your mind!

> their careers. Many of these individuals have forsworn traditional "nine to five" office jobs

Tasuki:  ::Imitating an announcer:: It’s time for Pat Patterson: 
Professional Office Employee!

> and are making their homes pay off in more ways than one.

Sephiroth: Whoever thinks they’re talking about a whore-house/crack-house
raise their hands now.
Ukyo:  ::Raises hand::
Tasuki:  ::Raises hand::
Aisha:  ::Raises hand::
Sephiroth:  ::Looks a bit flabbergasted:: Wow, I *didn’t* get hit with a
spatula thingy this time.
Ukyo: Well, it’s because I actually think you’re right about this.
Sephiroth: Oooooh, thanks I think?
Ukyo: No problem.

> For the entrepreneur,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...making money is important.

> home-based businesses have become the bridge between work- crazed big cities

Tasuki: The point wouldn’t have gotten across if they just said
work-crazed cities. No, they’re talking about *BIG* work-crazed cities!

> and easy- paced family-orient

Ukyo: Don’t mock us because we’re oriental. We’re damn proud of our
heritage!
Aisha: Uhhh, I’m from space.
Sephiroth: And I’m not quite human myself.
Tasuki: I’m not from around here, errr..but I am from China.
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Errr, okay. So, don’t mock *me* and *Tasuki* because of
our culture! Mock the Swedish!

Note: Family-oriented was one word, just so you know. I just took off the
‘-ed’ and placed in in the next part, *just* so I can do that joke.

> ed small towns. Link Resources Corp.

Aisha:  ::Imitating an advertiser:: Who links resources? Why, Link
Resources Corp. of course! Who else? So when you need a resource to
link, go to Link Resources Corp. or else you will *DIE!*

> reports that market research shows more than 29 million people run

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...away from *our* company, because
we’re a bunch of big liars!

> either full-time or part-time businesses from their homes. People used to believe that

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the grass was greener on the other
side of the fence, when in realty, there was a desert right next to
them.
Aisha:  ::Also imitating those dudes:: ...two wrongs don’t make a right,
when in realty, two wrongs make a left.
Sephiroth:  ::Now, what do you think?:: ...the early bird gets the worm,
actually the bird who destroys the rest of the competition gets the
worm.
Ukyo:  ::Come on, you know by now:: ...when you wake up in your make-up,
you automatically have to go to Malibu. But that’s not true, when you
wake up in your make-up you have to go to Hollywood.

> their livelihood depended on

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...not dying!

> living in big cities near big corporations.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating those company dudes:: ...right next to their
friends, big crime rates and heavy pollution.

> That is no longer true,

Aisha:  ::Using a British accent:: It is so!
Ukyo:  ::Also using a British accent:: No, it isn’t!
Aisha: Yes, it is!
Ukyo: Not-uh!
Aisha: Listen, I didn’t come here to argue!
Ukyo: Yes, you did! This is the argument bureau, you’re supposed to
argue!
Aisha: But that’s just foolish!
Ukyo: No it isn’t!
Aisha: Yes, it most certainly is!

Note: If you can guess where that joke is inspired from, then you’d be
saying ‘Monty Python!’.

> thanks to personal computers, increased phone services, fax machines, and the Internet, it is no longer necessary to live in close proximity to "Big Business".

Sephiroth: Geez, thanks a *lot* you guys. Now look what you did!

> You can now operate

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...your very own microwave oven! It
only will cost you $895.95 plus shipping and handling!

> that "Big Business" right from your home office.

Aisha: I doubt they’d be operating a big business from home, they’ll
probably just be playing Minesweeper...for profit.

> Within the last five to seven years,

Tasuki: There are *so* many jokes I can think of right here, but I’ll
spare you guys.
Ukyo: Good! I really didn’t want to hear ‘Tasuki’s Corny Joke Hour’
anyway.
Tasuki: Heeeey, that wasn’t very nice.
Ukyo:  ::Gets wide eyed:: Okay, who killed Tasuki and took his place?
Tasuki: @&*^#^!$%#
Ukyo:  ::Waves hand dismissively:: Nevermind.

> technology has been

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...making human beings obsolete,
and soon the entire business world we be nothing but AUTOMATION!
MWAHAHAHAHA! Errr...I mean...

> brought to an affordable level so that almost everyone has an equal

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...chance to be swindled by us!

> playing field in the work-from-home industry.

Tasuki: You mean, the work-from-home industry has a playing field? Do
they have a work-from-home team then?
Aisha: I wouldn’t doubt it.

> Check out these Statistics: 

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Little Red Riding Hood:: My, what excellent
persuasive writing skills you have grandma.
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the Big Bad Wolf/E-Commerce:: The better to take
all your worldly possessions, my dear!
Tasuki: Yeah right! I know you’re a stupid entrepreneur wolf that’s
trying to rip me off! Bad wolf!
Sephiroth: Oh, you are right. I shall repent for my sins, now.

> 11% of the US market is now on

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...drugs, those stupid druggies!

> the Internet 1,092,000

Aisha: Woah, woah, woah. Hold on...where did that number come from?
Sephiroth: They just made the thing up. All they needed was a number in
the millions.
Aisha: Oh, okay?

> new people

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...are better than old people!

> get Internet access

Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: What is the ‘Internet?’. I am *so* confused.

> each week, while approximately 38% of the US adult population, or 68 million US citizens' currently use the Internet, according to the fall

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: How could they tell from a season? Did they look
at the leaves or something? Besides, you’re supposed to capitalize the
name of a season, Fall, baka.

> 1999 Cyber Status reports from Mediamark Research Inc. This is an increase of 49% from the prior quarter, and this study only counts people who

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...don’t use the Internet at *all.*

> have used the Internet in the last 30 days.

> Ziff-Davis's

Sephiroth: Ziff! Ziff! Ziff! Ziff!
Ukyo: You *do* have a joke, right?
Sephiroth: Ummm no, I just like saying Ziff! Heeeey, isn’t that a peanut
butter brand?
Ukyo: That’s Jif.
Sephiroth: Oh yeah. Well, isn’t Ziff a high ledge on a mountain?
Ukyo: That’s a *cliff.*
Sephiroth: Whoops. Oh, I know what a Ziff is now! It’s that file
extension on the end of some pictures!
Ukyo: No, that’s GIF.
Sephiroth: Then what’s Ziff?
Ukyo: Ummm...I don’t know.

> Technology User Profile reported that there are 60 million PC's connected to the Internet in the US, but home PC's still represent the lion's share

Aisha:  ::Gasps:: Eghads! Who ever would have thought?
Ukyo: What? You’re surprised by the amount of people who use the Internet
at home?
Aisha: By heavens no! I’m shocked at the Lions! I never thought that team
owned *that* much!
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrop::

Note: Hehe, I made a joke about the Detroit Lions, y’know, the football
team.

> of the market, with 68 million consumers hooked

Tasuki:  ::Imitating that kid in the ‘Hooked on Phonics’ commercial::
...on Phonics, works for me!
Aisha: You know, I think those people are trying to get kids hooked on
phonics. Then, those kids will be addicted to phonics and will have to
have phonics. In other words, those guys are really Phonics Drug
Dealers! ::Dramatic music plays::
Ukyo:  ::Imitating the CEO of ‘Hooked on Phonics’:: It’s true! And I
would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddlers!

> up to the Internet.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: We’re not quite sure if they’re
using their own computers or not, but we *sure* do know they are hooked
up baby! YEAH!

> They predict that

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the sun will come out in the
morning, and the moon may come out at night.

> up to $54 billion US dollars

Sephiroth: Phew, I almost thought they were Canadian dollars.

> will change hands from business transactions online by year 2001.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating an old projector film-strip from the 1950’s:: In the
year 2001, we will be living on the planet Mars in big dome houses. The
government also predicted world peace by this time.

> Most people

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...populate most of the Earth, you
fool!

> are ready to do some sort of business online,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating that crazy guy with the question mark suit:: And
with my book, you can get the government to give you money for starting
your online business! You can get $24,000 dollars for opening a candy
store, $156,000 for bringing about the apocalyptic doom of our planet...
Sephiroth: Wow, I can get money for doing that? Great!

> they just don't know where to start.

Ukyo: Well, I think it will be safe to say that they should start at the
starting line.

> This is why we are so successful. We link-up our marketing techniques with something people need,

Ukyo: I don’t think annoying e-mails count as something people need.

> and most of all, something people want.

Aisha: Furbies!

> If you add

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...then you’re a mathematician!

> strong work ethics, a powerful support system, along with personal business coaching, you can't help but be successful.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: Oops, we misplaced the word
‘successful’ again. We really meant to place ‘worthless’ there!

> We provide not only the vehicle that puts you on the road to success,

Ukyo: Hmmm, I think that road is near the Highway to Hell and Electric
Avenue.

> but we also provide the road map.

Aisha: No thanks, State Farm gives me far superior road maps.

> All you have to do is be teachable, have the desire for a better life and be willing to change what you're doing now. 94% of home-based business owners are

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...now waddling in their own self-pity.

> happier running their own business versus

Sephiroth: Versus? Oh, I get it! They mean like ‘Spy Vs. Spy!’
Tasuki: I bet the white spy will win.
Sephiroth: No way, the black spy will win!
Aisha: You guys have no idea what you’re talking about, the purple spy
will win!
Tasuki: Purple...?
Sephiroth: ...spy?

> working for someone else. 92% recommend

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...choking to death rather than working
for us.

> working from home to others. 94% plan to still be running their own business in five years.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating this company, you speak of:: ...and then they plan on
a huge corporation buying their little crappy business

> 20% of home entrepreneurs reported that their businesses grossed

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...them out!

> between $100,000 and $500,000 last year. 23% paid themselves

Tasuki:  ::Doing that imitation of that crazy company again:: ...homage
by building shrines dedicated to themselves!

> annual salaries of $65,000 to $350,000. 41% work at home with other family members. 71% think their businesses are doing as well or better than they expected. 79% expect their home-based business revenues to grow

Ukyo:  ::Imitating a mother:: Awwww, how cute. Little ‘Jack In The
Beanstock Co.’ is growing up. He’s gonna be a big, strong business
honey!
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a father:: Oh great, that means our costs will
skyrocket! Damn it, why did you have to go and get pregnant?
Ukyo:  ::Back to normal:: I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole...
Sephiroth:  ::Growls:: Where’s my dinner?!?!?!
Ukyo: Make that a *twenty* foot pole.

> this year. Your search for the ideal work environment and for the ideal vehicle to wealth is over.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: Yep, we have the ideal vehicle to
wealth! And that vehicle is, a stolen car that will allow you to steal
*all* the gold in Fort Knox!

> You will be able to work more flexible hours while increasing your

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...bust size with Bloussant! YEAH
BABY YEAH, WE LIKE BIG BOOBS HERE!
Ukyo:  ::Cracks Sephy-sama with her spatula twice:: Baka!

> productivity, not to mention drastically cutting your

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...life expediency in half!

> commute time,

Aisha: Well, you wouldn’t have to be commuting because you’re working at
home, right?
Tasuki:  ::Imitating Ed McMann:: That is correct sir!
Aisha: That’s *ma’am*
Tasuki: That is correct ma’am sir!
Aisha: Nevermind...
Tasuki: Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!
Aisha:  ::Grumbles::

> and increasing your most precious commodity-quality of life.

> We have developed

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...our very own photo company!
::Snicker:: Get it, we developed a photo company! ::Snicker::
Sephiroth: Yep, you’re a regular comedian.
Ukyo: WHOSE YOUR COMPANY?!?!?!
Sephiroth: Ummm....
Ukyo:  ::Back to normal:: Now you know what it feels like to be me.
Sephiroth: Oooooo, I wanna be you so I can rub your...
Ukyo:  ::Smacks Sephy with her spatula:: BAKA!!!!

> one of the most exciting, technologically advanced

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...versions of Pong out there on the
market! It’s Pong version 10.0, now with complete 3-D rendering of the
entire Pong arena! Plus, you can control different colored three
dimensional lines! It’s real innovation here, people!

> home-based businesses that will take you through the new millennium.

Aisha:  ::Checks watch:: New millennium? Oh, the 3000’s. Yep, I’m really
worried about those years. They’re going to be rough.

> We don't expect you to come to us

Tasuki: Good, because we aren’t going to.

> with tremendous business knowledge or

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...any knowledge in general.

> a successful track record.

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Now why would a track star open up a business?
They could definitely be going to the Olympics instead.

> We have already figured out how to make this work;

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: Yep, we use all of the taxpayer’s
money to keep our business going. Isn’t that clever?

> all you need to do is copy what we're already doing.

Tasuki: That’s called plagiarism...

> Since you've gotten this far,

Sephiroth: We told you already, we don’t *have* a choose.

> we know you are serious about

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...having Winterfresh breath that
lasts, and lasts, and LASTS!
Ukyo:  ::Also imitating the company:: ...snapping into a Slim Jim!
Tasuki:  ::Ditto:: ...killing bugs dead!
Sephiroth:  ::Come now, how many times have I done this?:: ...seeing
girls go wild in Alaska!

> working from home. Your next step will

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...be to rob your local bank of all
their money. This will be your new home-business, the robbing banks
business that is.

> help you make some changes and learn some new skills.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...like, how to double-click a
mouse and how to use the word ‘urge’ properly in a sentence.
Ukyo:  ::Glares at Seph:: I hate you, I *so* hate you.
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Who, me?
Ukyo: Yes you!
Sephiroth: Couldn’t be!
Ukyo: Then who?
Sephiroth: Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
Tasuki: Wasn’t me!
Sephiroth: Couldn’t be!
Tasuki: Then who?
Aisha:  ::Facefaults:: Ummmm, you guys are strange.
Sephiroth: Couldn’t be!

> So, let's go!

Aisha:  ::Imitating Mario:: Here we go! Okie dokie!

> As you know, this is not a lay

Sephiroth: Damn it! And I wanted to go to Hawaii too!
Tasuki: Errr, I think that’s a lei Seph...
Sephiroth: Ixnay of the lei!
Tasuki: Ummm...but I said it already...
Sephiroth: ....

> -on-the-couch, get-rich-quick scheme.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...it’s more of a lay-in-the-gutter,
get-poor-quick scheme.

> This is a REAL business

Aisha:  ::Imitating Pinocchio, sorta:: Someday, I’m gonna be a REAL
business.

> and a real opportunity- one that has drawn so much interest from people that we had to

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...get Earl to beat them all back with
a giant stick.

> put this screening process in place to help us determine who to work with.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...and we don’t want to work with you,
so you might as well just quit reading now.

> Our company has been in business for 20 years,

Sephiroth: I don’t think the Internet has been around that long. In fact,
in 1981, *if* this company even existed like they say they did, their
name would be E-Bad Fashion Alert.

> is publicly held and traded on the NASDAQ.

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Isn’t *that* a computer company?
Ukyo: No, that’s Compaq.
Sephiroth: Oh, well whatever. They shouldn’t sound so similar.

> It is important that you realize that we can help you build a powerful and profitable business.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...and then tear it down for *NO*
reason!
Aisha:  ::Singing:: All in all, it’s just another break in the wall.
Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: How did that fit in anywhere?
Aisha: Well...you said something about tearing down something, so I just
thought I’d sing that song...
Tasuki: Errrr, okay.

> We have an explosive,

Ukyo: Well, that isn’t funny *at* all. Maybe we should blow them up and
see how it feels to say the word ‘explosive’.
Sephiroth: Ummmm, we didn’t get blown up by anyone...
Ukyo: You know what I mean!
Sephiroth: ...but maybe if *I’m* lucky, I’ll get blown by someone...
Ukyo:  ::Cracks Sephy-sama with her spatula yet again:: BAKA!

> start to finish,

Aisha: Yep, that’s how a race usually goes, start to finish.

> proven Internet Marketing system.

Aisha: If they’re talking about punching that stupid monkey for twenty
stupid bunks, then they’re ummm.... stupid.
Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Talk about sophisticated usage of words.

> And we are offering you this

Tasuki:  ::Imitating a game show host:: ...brand new zirconium encrusted
number two pencil!

> simple easy method where you can

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company, yet again:: ...make all the Lemmings
DIE repeatedly! DIE, DIE, DIE!
Ukyo: Ummmm...is he...
Aisha:  ::Cuts off Ukyo:: Yep, he’s scaring me too Ukyo.
Ukyo: Oh, good, so it isn’t....
Aisha:  ::Cuts off Ukyo again:: Nope, it isn’t just you.
Ukyo: Would you stop...
Aisha:  ::Cuts off Ukyo yet again:: Stop what?
Ukyo:  ::Facefaults:: STOP CUTTING ME OFF!
Aisha: Oh, okay.

> make money working for yourself,

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: How many times did they say that already? I’m
starting to lose count.

> over the Internet, from the comfort of your home or office. You can earn $1,000

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...and only one thousand dollars.
You will never earn anything higher or lower than it, *EVER.*

> to $7,000 per month working around your current job and your family's schedule. Our system works

Aisha: By system they mean their auto-dialer and one ancient computer the
size of a room.

> regardless of your background

Aisha: What if you’re a super-cute, super-strong alien girl from space?
Tasuki: What if you’re an ultra cool Suzaku Senshi?
Sephiroth: What if you’re the son of Jenova and a full time all around
evil dude?
Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: Excellent questions my friends, and I
insure you that *none* of you will be able to make a penny with our
system. So use it!

> or computer knowledge.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a complete moron:: Duhhhh, what computer is?
Duuuuuh.

Note: Yes, I’m aware that his sentence is messed up. It’s supposed to be
like that though, of course. ^_^

> We provide the system, experience and hands on training.

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Hey, aren’t you going to make some joke here Seph?
Sephiroth: Naw, not this time. I don’t fell like getting hit in the head
again.
Ukyo: All right.
Sephiroth: Even though it’s a pretty easy to joke to make, I’m not gonna
do it.
Ukyo: Yeah, okay.
Sephiroth: Nope, not me. Maybe someone else will do it, but it definitely
won’t be me.
Ukyo:  ::Getting annoyed:: Okay.
Sephiroth: No sire, I *will* not make a joke here!
Ukyo: WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?!?!?!
Sephiroth: Errr, yes ma’am.

> The only thing that we cannot give you,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...is a successful business. It’d be
impossible to do so, since our company probably sucks as much as yours
will.

> but is required is that you have the desire, and that you are teachable. We know that you have some level of desire because you got this far.

Aisha: Anyone wanna make a comment here?
::Crickets chirp::
Aisha: I guess not.

> Are you teachable?

Sephiroth: If I hear them ask that one more time, my sword is going into
that screen and chopping it up!!! GAH!

> ARE YOU TIRED

Tasuki: Yeah, I am! I think I’ll just go to bed now. ::Rests his head on
the back of the chair::

> OF MAKING YOUR BOSS RICH?

Sephiroth: My boss is rich? Damn you boss, DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Ukyo: Do you even have a boss?
Sephiroth: Uhhhh...technically, no. ::Blinks:: Oh well, I can just steal
money whenever I want to *anyway.*
Ukyo: Errr...okay.
Tasuki: Hey guys, can you keep it down? I’m trying to sleep!
Ukyo: You *are* not!
Tasuki: Errr...so?
Ukyo: Nevermind.

> Start your own business NOW!

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: If you don’t start it NOW, you will be
dipped into a vat of sulfuric acid NOW!

> I will help you!

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Help me with what?
Sephiroth: Easy, using ‘urge’ in a sentence.
Ukyo:  ::Screams::
Sephiroth:  ::Smirks:: I *love* doing that.
Ukyo: Baka!
Aisha: Urge? ::Blinks:: Oh, you’re talking about those old Herbal
Essences jokes. No more do I do those, I have become a new joke-telling
Ctral Ctral now! Herbal Essences jokes were a thing of the past!
Sephiroth: So, you *don’t* have the urge to herbal.
Aisha: Nope, I now have the strongest urge to make the world taste
better. ::Pulls out a can of Dr. Pepper from hammerspace:: Ahhhh, Dr.
Pepper, it’s the choice of champions. ::Teeth sparkle::
Ukyo: The choice of champions is Wheaties...errr the breakfast of
champions rather.
Aisha: Well, whatever!

> Become financially Independent using our proven system!

Tasuki: I’m confused, is this the company speaking or is it that guy?
Aisha: I dunno.

> Learn to TRULY succeed

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company or the guy or whatever:: ...or to TRULY
become a TRUE failure.

> working from HOME

Sephiroth: We get the point, you can work from home. Sheesh, they’re just
repeating the same crap over and over again.

> with our TURN-KEY system

Sephiroth: I would work better if it were a TURN-ON system...
Ukyo: Hey, you may be on to something there!
Sephiroth: Really?
Ukyo: No, not really...
Sephiroth: Oh, I suck. ::Puts head down in shame::
Ukyo: Yep, you certainly do *suck*.
Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Was that a...
Ukyo: No, it wasn’t.
Sephiroth: Damn!

> I CAN SHOW YOU AN OPPORTUNITY THAT IS NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE

AISHA:  ::SHIELDS EYES:: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE CAPITAL LETTERS STOP!
Tasuki: Ummm, you’re doing all caps too.
Aisha:  ::Blinks:: What are the spam gods doing to us, they’re making us
into animals!!!
Tasuki: Errr, riiiight.

> Does that sound like something you would be interested in?

Sephiroth: No, not really. I’m scared of sentences with all caps in them.

> Are you....

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...moronic, stupid, not intelligent, do
you carry a fork when there’s a thunderstorm outside? Well, if you fit
all of the above, you’ll be able to start your very own new business
from home! This process will effectively make *us* rich and you poor, so
invest all your money into it *NOW!*

> Tired of working

Aisha: Am I? I *hate* working!

> for someone else to make THEIR

Tasuki: Emphasis on the make.

> dream come true?

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: What if they dream of genie? Hmmmm?
Ukyo: Then they’d be an old sitcom.
Tasuki: Oh, of course!

> Would you like to start

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...mocking us to no end?
Ukyo: Sure! I’ll start! ::Clears throat:: Ahem, ahem. Okay, E-Commerce is
*so* poor that they live in a corn can.
Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Errr, ummm. E-Commerce isn’t very umm...not
smart...and errr stuff.
Tasuki: Ummm, E-Commerce is *so* lazy that they don’t even have the
energy to go on vacations.
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: Well guys, all of those jokes sucked.
Ukyo: Yep, we know.

> Right Away with a SIMPLE system.

Aisha: If we say ‘no’, will they go away?
Tasuki: No...
Aisha: Damn!

> Work with some of Americas TOP entrepreneurs!

Ukyo: Where did that sentence come from?
Tasuki: Felix the Cat’s magical bag of tricks!
Ukyo: Ooooooh.

> Use an advanced DUPLICATABLE system

Sephiroth: Errrr, I guess their advanced DUPLICATABLE system can easily
be destroyed by advanced DUPLICATABLE viruses.

> to quickly build your business.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...into the ground.

> You must be at least 18 and have a serious desire for personal success

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: We’ll take you if you have no desire for
personal success too, we just want your money.

> Take a moment right now to

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...commit suicide because you read down
*this* far.

> take the next step below: 

Aisha: Take the next step...where, exactly?
Sephiroth:  ::Singing:: Home, home on the range.
Aisha: Okay, got the point.
Sephiroth:  ::Still singing:: Where the deer and the antelope sing,
where....
Aisha: That’s enough!
Sephiroth:  ::Stops singing:: Okie dokie!
Aisha: Hey, that’s copyrighted by Nintendo and the Mario Brothers (tm).
Sephiroth: But...you just used it before....
Aisha: I had permission! Nyah! : P
Sephiroth: D’oh!

> STEP 1.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: Put your left foot out. STEP 2, put
your right foot in. STEP 3, do the hokey pokey and turn it all around.
STEP 4, repeat. ::Back to normal:: That’s what it’s all about!

Note: You know you guys love the hokey pokey! ^_^

> You must call

Ukyo:  ::Imitating a strict tutor with a whip, a la DBZ:: You have no
choose you oaf! ::Makes a whipping sound:: Now fetch me my slippers you
dunce!
Aisha:  ::Imitating Egor:: Yes, master.

> our toll free "International Internet

Sephiroth: Whoa, an international internet. Who would have guessed?

> Business hotline

Tasuki: Despite popular believe, hot lines *are not* hot at all.

> and listen to some of the members of our team talk about the success of their new home based businesses. EVEN IF YOU ARE CALLING THIS NUMBER FROM AN INTERNATIONAL COUTRY,

Aisha: What exactly is an ‘INTERNATIONAL COUTRY?’. What’s a COUTRY,
anyway?
Sephiroth:  ::Pulls out his dictionary of misspelled words again:: Let’s
see. Oh, I found it! *Ahem.* Coutry (as opposed to COUTRY, misspelling
of country) Noun. An early name for Contra which just didn’t make it.
[At one time, the popular arcade game Contra was called Coutry.]
Aisha: Errrr, okay then. Thanks for...that.

> I URGE

Ukyo:  ::Quietly gets up out of her chair, walks up to the screen and
starts pummeling it like crazy::
::The voice of Majin suddenly booms::
Voice of MV: Ooooo, my torture is working! HOORAY!!!!! Oh, don’t destroy
that screen by the way. I’m borrowing it from the Federal Space Movie
Screen Organization. It’s futile anyway, Ukyo dear. ::Cackles::
Ukyo:  ::Ceases pummeling the screen and grumbles:: THESE PEOPLE MUST
DIE!
Voice of MV: What great results! Excellent! Excellent! Simply...errr
excellent!
Sephiroth: Calm down Ukyo, just take a deep breath and sit back down.
Ukyo:  ::Does so::
Voice of MV: Well then, have fun my little lilliputians!
Tasuki:  ::Sweatdrops:: He’s a nutcase...
Aisha: Agreed.
Sephiroth: Yeah really! None of us are even *from* Final Fantasy IV
*anyway!*
Ukyo: Ummm, what?
Sephiroth: Never you mind.

> YOU TO CALL RIGHT NOW.

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Well if you insist, but I don’t see how it’ll
help. ::Shrugs:: Whatever though. ::Clears throat:: RIGHT NOW!
::Blinks:: There, I called it, was something supposed to happen?
Tasuki: I doubt it.

> This is part of our job-to introduce you to many others who took a step of faith

Aisha: This company just became a big, giant, evangelist. Stupid
evangelists!

> (like you're ready to), and whose lives have changed because of it.

Ukyo: They keep saying that, but they never say if it’s for the better or
for the worse.

> This call is for everyone.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...except for *you*, because you’re
probably not reading down this far.

> I.E. former Military Service Members, Executive Professionals and Laborers Doctors and Nurses

Tasuki: Don’t doctors and nurses count as laborers too? Are they implying
that it isn’t *hard* to be a doctor or a nurse? Geez! They go to about
twelve years of extra school, and *this* is how they get treated!

> 1-800-708-RICH

Sephiroth:  ::Laughs:: What a clever phone number. It would have been
better if it were 1-800-708-POOR, though.

> and enter Access Code 9090 or 5566.

Sephiroth:  ::Using a British accent:: NO! I don’t want to!

> Also to Learn

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...attend night school.

> about our industry and company dial 1-800-555-1795 and enter Access Code 9090 or 5566.

> This 10-minute calls

Ukyo: This 10-minute calls? Woah, someone got a little to ‘s’ happy
there.
Aisha: That’sssssssssssssssssssssss right!
Ukyo:  ::Facefaults::

> is a 24-hour toll free

Tasuki: What’s a toll free again?
Sephiroth: It’s a toll that you don’t have to pay money at.
Tasuki: No, isn’t that a free toll?
Sephiroth: Errr yeah, the one with the Phantom Tollbooth.
Tasuki: Nani?
Sephiroth: Nevermind, Milo.
Tasuki: Huh?
Sephiroth: Didn’t I say nevermind, Milo?
Tasuki: My name is Tasuki...
Sephiroth: I know, Milo.
Tasuki:  ::Curses::

> for all that are in the United States; however if you are International

Ukyo: Racist bastards.

> I urge you

Sephiroth:  ::Starts laughing at the look on Ukyo’s face:: Oh man, that’s
priceless!
Ukyo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ::Tries charging up to the screen but she is held
back by Aisha::
Aisha: Don’t use the anger Ukyo, don’t use it.
Ukyo: I’LL GIVE YOU URGE, YOU BAKAS!
Aisha:  ::Facefaults:: It’s a good thing my strength is far superior than
humans...

> to dial this number now and listen to this short message and take some notes.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...and, oh nevermind. We already used
‘and’ too many times in that sentence. Sorry about that, and have a nice
day, and bye, and...oops, did it again!

> **********************************************

Tasuki: Apperantly, they’re making sure we’re still awake.

> CAUTION! This Access Code expires on October 6th 2001

Aisha: Oh, too bad. It’s expired. Oh well!

> (So call right now!)

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: We’ll throw in a bag of airline peanuts
if you call in the next ten days!

> **********************************************

Aisha: They’re checking if we’re awake again.
Tasuki: Yes, I sorta noticed.

> IMPORTANT!

Sephiroth: Something must be important...but I can’t figure out what
exactly.

> DO NOT PROCEED TO STEP 2

Ukyo: Well, I didn’t want to anyway!

> UNTIL YOU HAVE LISTENED

Tasuki: Come on guys, do you really think *we’re* listening to what you
have to say? Sheesh.

> TO THE CALL MENTIONED IN STEP 1
> **********************************************

Sephiroth: Note to self, kill the people who invented the ‘*’ key. Other
note to self, destroy all spammers.

> If you are unsure and need more information,

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...then you’re a big, ignorant moron!
Good job!

> we have put together a "How to do business over the Internet"

Tasuki: They omitted the “for dummies” part in the title.

> decision package that will help you

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...make a decision, stupid!

> determine whether our business is for you or not.

Aisha: Nope, it ain’t for me. I guarantee it!
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Okay George Foreman, get out of that Aisha costume!
Aisha:  ::Sweatdrops:: What?
Ukyo: Nevermind.

> This step is only for individuals who have the desire to control their own future

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the rest of you can rot in the
deepest depths of hell.

> and who want to work from their homes

Ukyo: If they tell us that one more time, I just might kill someone!

> and earn the kind of income that will give you the life you deserve.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...a life similar to Oliver Twist’s,
as a matter of fact. Or you can have a hard knock life. Or you can
always have this attractive life from Roots. Or how about the life of
Bob Dole?

> This decision package contains approximately three hours

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...give or take about two hours and
fifty minutes.

> of information about our explosive Internet business

Aisha:  ::Sarcastically:: Oh boy, I bet they’ll cover a lot of useful
information there!
Tasuki: Naw, it’ll all probably be about repetition and usage of the word
‘urge’.
Ukyo: SHUT UP!
Tasuki: >_ and it also begins your training.

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: For morning exercise, you will swim
to Japan from California. For afternoon exercises, you will run five
hundred laps around the Circus Maximus. For evening exercises, you will
climb the Swiss Alps until midnight. Then, we’ll take it easy and ‘Sweat
it to the Oldies’ with Richard Simmons.
Tasuki:  ::Using a narrative voice:: This is one of the *MANY* reasons
why people don’t sign up for this job.

> You will receive a manual

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...randomly. Don’t worry, the manual
will be helpful no matter what it is!
Tasuki: Errr, what kind of manuals are you talking about here?
Aisha: Dodge Ram manuals, Brain Lord manuals, manuals done on
skateboards, fat manuals, skinny manuals, kinds that live on rocks. Tall
manuals, short manuals, even ones with Chicken Pocks love hot dogs!
Armor Hot Dogs! The kind of manuals people LIIIIIKE!
Tasuki:  ::Falls over::

> that explains how, why and what we are doing,

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...you have to pay us just so you know
why we sent this message to you in the first place. We’ll give you a
hint, it involves jerking you around!
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a lackey of the company:: That’s what it is....
Ukyo: Errr, I knew that!
Sephiroth: Suuuuuure ya did.

> a video

Sephiroth:  ::Gasps:: Ooooooo, behold! It’s an ancient technology from
long ago. It’s...a ‘video’.
Tasuki: Are they...really real?
Sephiroth: Yes, they are.
Tasuki: Wooooooow! What about ‘records?’
Sephiroth: The world may never know.

> where you'll meet us

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the parents.

Note: Get it? Meet the Parents! Ha! It’s funny ‘cause it’s a movie title,
but you knew that all ready.

> and see exactly how our business works and an audiotape

Sephiroth:  ::Gasps:: Wooooooow! ‘Audiotape’ exists as well. Amazing.
Tasuki:  ::Tilts head:: What is this...’audiotape’ you speak of?
Sephiroth: It’s a magical device that plays music from magical tape.
Tasuki: Oooooo! Ahhhhh!

> to further help you with your decision. Your package also contains

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company/game show announcer dude:: ...this brand
new CAR!

> the name and telephone number of your personal coach who will be working with you on a daily basis, helping you make

Sephiroth:  ::Gets red in the face::
Aisha: What’s wrong with Seph?
Ukyo: I ummm, dunno.
Sephiroth:  ::Knees get all shaky::
Tasuki: Are you uhhh...feeling all right?
Sephiroth:  ::Ceases:: Errr, yeah...I’m just...fine.
Tasuki: Errr, okay then...
Ukyo: Let’s move on, shall we?
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...lots of wild, unprotected, wet
sex!!!!! ::Back to normal:: Noooo, please don’t hit me! I couldn’t help
myself! PLEEEEEASE, I beg of you!
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrops:: Ummm, okay...just this once, I guess.
Sephiroth: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!
Ukyo: Besides, what you said made no sense.
Sephiroth: Errr, oh yeah. D’oh! I wasted my pleading!

> money in your first week. In other words,

Tasuki: ¿Como estas?
Aisha: In other *words*, not in another *language!*
Tasuki: Oi vei!
Aisha:  ::Blinks:: What are you, a Jewish/Spanish/Chinese person that
some how knows English?
Tasuki: Ummmm, maybe.
Aisha: All right, as long as we have that all cleared up.

> you will receive all of the information you will need to make a decision to determine if this is for you.

Ukyo: I don’t need any information, I know it’s not for me.

> After you request your "International Decision Package",

Tasuki:  ::Imitating that guy from The Waterboy:: You can do it!

> and go through all the materials,

Sephiroth: Go through all the Materia?
Aisha: No, materials.
Sephiroth: Oh, I knew that!
Aisha: Suuuuuure ya did.

> we will call you

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...lots of childish names like
Stuttering Stanley.
Tasuki:  ::Singing:: Call me, call me...
Ukyo:  ::Back to normal:: Hey! Quit stealing my joke time, you joke time
thief!
Tasuki:  ::Stops singing:: Oh no you didn’t!
Ukyo: Why yes, I certainly did!
Tasuki: Errr..okay then, cheerio!
Ukyo: Huh?
Tasuki: Nevermind.

> and your personal training program

Sephiroth:  ::Hums the tune from Rocky, but not Rocky II thank you very
much::

> will begin. At that point,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...you will be scolded by your mother,
because it’s not polite to do that!

> we will also be happy

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...if you use a French Tickler
during intercourse, errrr...we mean, buy our stocks...err yeah.
Ukyo: I would hit you right now Seph, but I don’t have the energy to do
it. So, do it for me, all right?
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: All right! ::Grabs Ukyo’s spatula thingy
and hits himself over the head with it::
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrops:: I didn’t think you’d actually do it...
Sephiroth: Anything for you, baby! ::Large grin::
Ukyo:  ::Facefaults::
Tasuki: What Sephiroth here is demonstrating is commonly called the
‘Carrot Glaces Syndrome’, a variation of the classic ‘Happosai Complex.’
Ukyo: Errr, how is that the ‘Carrot Glaces Syndrome’ exactly?
Tasuki: Shut up....
Ukyo: Sheesh, I was only asking a question!

> to locate the nearest training to you,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...to you, near you, what’s the
difference?

> which are available in numerous translations.

Aisha: Uhhh, good for them?

> We have training being conducted in over 27 different languages worldwide!

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: All twenty-seven being variations of
good ol’ English, of course. So technically, they aren’t different
languages. But you’ll think they will be! Some of our variations on the
English language are:  ebonics, we have the Southern dialect, the New
York accent, the Boston accent, the Californian version of English, the
British version, the broken English version various foreigners use, and
*many* more!

> This package

Sephiroth: I only like girls with nice, *tight*, *compact* packages!
Ukyo: Moving on....
Sephiroth: What, no hitting?
Ukyo: What are you, a sadomasochist?
Sephiroth: No, but you can’t break the pattern!
Ukyo: Well, if you insist. ::Hits Seph with her spatula thingy::
Sephiroth: Hooray! ::Rubs head:: Ow!

> acts

Aisha: Stupid package is putting actors out of business. What will
Nicholas Cage do if he can’t act anymore? John Travolta will be
stunned...and he won’t be be able to make anymore terrible movies that
we may be forced to watch some day.
::The voice of Majin booms::
Voice of MV: Don’t worry about that minna! I can’t bear watching you guys
watching something as horrible as Battlefield Earth!
Aisha: Errr, thanks?
Voice of MV: You’re welcome! Even though I know it would be the ideal
torture for you all. Don’t worry though, I can be extra nasty and send a
Sasami lemon or something! ::Cackle::
Aisha: I take my thanks back!
Voice of MV: Goodie! ::Cackles again::
::The voice of Majin dissipates to dust (reference to a Eve 6 song,
don’t mind me)::
Aisha:  ::Sweatdrop:: What a nutcase!
Tasuki: I know, I know. He role-plays me.
Aisha: He role-plays me *too*, y’know.
Tasuki: What’s your point?
Aisha:  ::Facefaults:: Errr, nevermind.

Note: If I spelt Travolta wrong, sue me. ::Shrugs:: No, seriously, don’t
do it if you’re reading this John! Yeah...like that would ever happen.
And as you all know, the Sasami lemon thing is one of my worst running
gags...but hey, I’m only writing this stuff. I don’t have to read the
finished product! ^_^ Just kidding.

> only as a

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...package, you fool! It will never be
anything *BUT* a package! Deal with it!!!!

> way for you to review information about our business

Tasuki: You mean, people pay money to review information about this
business? Why?!?!?!
Sephiroth: They probably have spare money to burn.
Tasuki: I think burning the money, literally, would be better than
investing it into E-Commerce!
Sephiroth: That’s *too* true, my amigo, too true.
Tasuki: I’m not your amigo...
Sephiroth: Oh sure, and Aerith wasn’t my girlfriend...
Tasuki: Dude, you killed her...
Sephiroth: Errr, so? Isn’t that a sign of affection?
Tasuki: You *killed* her, how is that a sign of affection?!?!?!
Sephiroth: Uhhh...hey, look over there!
Tasuki: Where?!?! ::Looks around::
Sephiroth:  ::Snickers::
Tasuki: Heeeeey!

> and begins your training without risk.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...from our point of view, anyway. You,
the customer and future owner of a HOME BUSINESS will be at *plenty* of
risk. As a matter of fact, only one percent of our customers barely
break even in the market.

> This step eliminates the people

Sephiroth: Good! Kill them! Destroy the people! Eliminate them all!
Ukyo: Uhhh Seph, that’s ‘Save them! Protect the people! Eliminate all bad
stuff!’
Sephiroth: What kind of villain would I be if I said that?
Ukyo: A hippie villain, I’d guess.
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating Cartman:: Stupid hippies!

> who are not serious and allows us to work with those of you who are.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...not serious, that is.

> Please recognize the importance of this step.

Aisha: No, I will not recognize the importance of this step! I refuse to!
I’m against the importance of this step, don’t recognize it or else!

> We simply do not have the time to

Ukyo:  ::Singing:: ...listen to me whine, about nothing and everything
all at once. I am one of those, melodramatic fools, moronic to the bone
no doubt about it!

> spend with people who are merely curious,

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the CEO of this company, or whatever:: Nope, I only
have time for potential customers who are bored to tears after reading
this message, and consequently don’t want to work for us because of said
boredom! ::Back to normal:: Man, I really need to remember to breathe
the next time I say a big, long sentence like that!
Sephiroth:  ::Smirks:: I bet you like things big and long, huh?
Ukyo:  ::Cracks Seph over the head with her spatula thingy in about one
second::

> which is why we designed this package to provide you

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...E-MAIL RECIPIENT 5670142, with the
service of knowing that your refrigerator is running and you really need
to catch it!

> with all of the information you will need to make a decision and determine if this is for you. If we spent our time answering e-mail requests for additional information, we'd

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...actually care about your
opinions, but since we don’t do it, we don’t care.

> not only be duplicating the effort we put into developing the decision package, but we'd also be taking valuable time away from running our business and training new people. Once you start working with us, we're sure you will

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...hate your new job with the greatest
passion you can muster up.

> appreciate our spending time

Aisha: As opposed to time you save and invest in a bank.

> training you instead of responding to curious e-mails all day long.

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Why would that take long? They only get about two
curious e-mails a year...

> Since we don't spend countless hours answering the tireless questions of the curiosity-seekers, you benefit, because

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...you’ll get paid to do it!!!

> it frees us up in order to dedicate ourselves to your success. When we spend time with you,

Sephiroth: Oooooo, that’s kinky. An entire business *all* at once...
Ukyo: Yeah, that was inevitable, so I’ll let that one go.
Sephiroth: But...
Ukyo: No, not this time!
Sephiroth: Oh, fine! Geez, you just destroyed the entire running gag.
Thanks *a lot* Ukyo!
Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Yep, no problem.

> we know we are working with someone who, like us, is committed to a better lifestyle. What is Your
Future Worth?

Tasuki: A bucket of chicken from KFC and a glow in the dark pen.

> Decide for yourself and for your family what it is you want and by when you want to achieve it.

Aisha:  ::Clears throat:: I want to be a millionaire right now!
Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Yep, I can see that is very possible...just don’t do
anything stupid like investing money into E-Commerce.

> Only you can determine

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the number of times you can say
‘urge’ in a sentence and still have it make some sense.
Ukyo:  ::Imitating Cartman:: I hate you guys.

> how dedicated you are to achieving your dreams.

Aisha: Come on now guys, now you’re just sounding like a bad Sailor Moon
dub speech.

> Hopefully, you won't find yourself

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...at all. That way, we can program you
to do what we want you to do! Mwahahahahahahaha!

> relying on your friends and family for direction and salvation.

Ukyo: Uh oh, here we go...
Tasuki:  ::Imitating a *really* over-emphatic evangelist:: Only if you
PAY our church will you get divine SALVATION from our Lord and Savior,
MR. CARROT....TOP!
Ukyo:  ::Falls over:: Now that’s....scary.
Tasuki: Praise the PROPS!
Ukyo: Okay, you can stop now...

> They cannot provide that for you - only you can do that. You need to make a decision to either give this a shot

Sephiroth: Gladly! ::Pulls out a shot glass and a bottle of rum::
Aisha: I don’t think they meant that kind of shot Seph...
Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Oh, ok! ::Throws said objects aside:: Let’s try
this again! ::Pulls out a pack of shotgun shells and a shotgun::
Aisha: Or that kind of a shot...
Sephiroth: Errr, okay. ::Throws them aside as well:: All right, the third
try is a charm they say! ::Pulls out a quiver of arrows and a bow:: How
about....?
Aisha: Nope...
Sephiroth:  ::Throws them aside and pulls out a blowgun, some darts, and
a picture of Martha Stewart:: What about this one?
Aisha: Ummmm, yeah, I guess that will do!
Sephiroth: Yes! ::Proceeds to shoot exhibit A (darts) from blowgun B into
picture C::

> or to continue down the path you're on.

Ukyo: What’s wrong with the path I’m on now? What, do you take some kind
of offense when people stand on paths?

> Most likely, if you have read this far, you have already made the decision to

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...kill yourself quickly.

> make some healthy changes in your life.

Tasuki: I don’t think becoming dirt poor can be considered a healthy
change.

> When we were looking at this

Sephiroth: Damn Peeping Toms!

> "Work From Home" Opportunity for the first time, just like you, we were nervous and thought that maybe this wouldn't work.

Aisha: Well, I’m not nervous and I know it won’t work. So there!

> Like you, we doubted we could really achieve our dreams. We went for it any way and now we are making incredible incomes,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: Yep, five hundred dollars a year!

> working from home, and for most of us- it's a dream come true. We don't have a boss to answer to or a clock to punch.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: Because I hate those stupid clocks! The
next time I see one, I’m gonna smash the living daylights out of it’s
ugly Quartz face!!!

> All you need to do now is take action. Take action by ordering your "Decision Package"

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: Come on, do it! All the other
people are doing it!!! DO IT!!!!!

> and we'll be there to help you through your questions and then to work with you to build your own "Work From Home" Internet Business. But please don't request more information unless you are committed to improving your life.

Tasuki:  ::Sarcastically:: Improving my life? Why the hell would I want
to do *that* for?

> If you are ready to learn

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...then go find Yoda and leave me
alone! Geez, every kid these days wants to learn how to use the Force!

> and you are serious about achieving a brighter future and a better life, then we are committed to you.
We are ready to

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...get rich off of you, and then laugh
at you because you gave us your money.

> give you the same step-by-step plan we used to build our fortune.

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...cookies. Hey, it’s a hard job to
build fortune cookies buddy, let me tell ya!

> There will be no surprises. We know exactly what to do and how to coach others be successful

Ukyo: They’re right, there aren’t any surprises! They still have a
disability to make sentences that make sense!
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: You make I made Ukyo, me make you
unsuccessful pay!
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Come again?
Sephiroth: Angry cow am I the sky is blue and you will be eating ramen
noodles if you don’t show me respect!
Ukyo:  ::Blinks again:: Pardon?
Sephiroth: The answer to the question you seek is in the stars because
two plus two equals four score and seven years ago...
Ukyo: Uhhhh...riiiight.

Note: Yes, it’s supposed to be like that!

> within the same system. Our Program works. It's already happening for hundreds of people. Why not you? Right now, take the next step, and get started on your way to a brighter lifestyle.

> STEP 2: 

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...immediately proceeds STEP 1.

> To get started or request your decision package

Sephiroth: How is this a step?

> only after you have completed STEP 1

Sephiroth: Notice how STEP is in all CAPS, because it is IMPORTANT.
Ukyo: We know, we KNOW.

> please call our international 24 hour order hotline at 1-206-222-2829.

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: That phone number has too many numbers...

> International callers and for United States, Canada, and Mexico callers please also dial 1-206-222-2829.

Aisha: You could have just said dial the same number!

> We are willing to train you and work with you,

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...but only if you hand over all of
your assets.
Sephiroth:  ::Also imitating the company:: ...and all of your town’s
virgins, too.
Tasuki: Errr...why?
Sephiroth: I dunno, I just thought I’d demand more stuff because I can.
Tasuki: Well okay, but don’t be getting Lufia II on me here.
Sephiroth: Yeah, yeah, I won’t kill them. I’ll merely steal their souls.
Tasuki: Okay, good...

> as others have done with us, to help secure your financial future. But, remember,

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...if anybody asks you how old you are,
say you’re twenty-one! That way, we can’t get sued because of your
underage drinking problems.

> we only work with those that truly have the desire and ambitions to work-we don't have time to work with couch potatoes!

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: No one from Idaho is allowed!
::Drum roll::
Ukyo: Oh come on, that wasn’t even remotely funny.
Sephiroth:  ::Back to normal:: I think reader #A7-5612 liked that joke.
Ukyo:  ::Facefaults:: You just made that up...
Sephiroth: Yeah, so?
Ukyo: Nevermind...

> Successful people do what unsuccessful people won't.

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company, YET AGAIN:: ...make money, that is.

> So develop a sense of urgency

Aisha:  ::Shakes head sadly:: We kept trying to tell them to use a
thesaurus...but oh well, this is their own fault!
Ukyo: PREPARE TO DIE! ::Bum rushes the screen and starts pummeling it
like crazy::
::The voice of the great (or not) MV booms::
Voice of MV: Heeeeey, that will cost you, and it will cost you lots!
::The screen is all torn down and stuff and Ukyo is panting like a mad
woman::
Ukyo: How....much?
Voice of MV: Oh, about seventy pieces of okonomiyaki!
Ukyo: That’s....all?
Voice of MV: Yeppers! Now hold on a sec while the new screen gets shipped
in!
Tasuki: You mean, we *still* have to watch this crap? DAMN IT!
Voice of MV: That’sssssssssssssssssssssss right! Bui bye minna! ::The
voice of Majin fades like the...voice of Majin, stupid::
Tasuki:  ::Mutters some choice words to himself::
::Suddenly a large screen exactly identical to the old one falls from
the sky::
Sephiroth: Riiiiight, that was weird.

> and give your desires value!

Sephiroth: Sorry, *those* kinds of desires *don’t* count.

> Procrastination is the biggest killer

Aisha: And he isn’t in jail? Geez, there must be some pretty lousy cops
out there if they can’t catch Procrastination!

> of success and you can now break that cycle!

Aisha:  ::Evil grin:: Break that cycle!!!! BREAK IT!!!!!
Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Are you uhhh...feeling all right?
Aisha:  ::Ceases whatever you’d say she was doing:: Errr, yeah...just
fine.
Tasuki: Errr, right. ::Blinks:: I think there’s a gas leak or
something...
Ukyo: No, that’s how they normally are...
Tasuki: Ohhhhh.

> REMEMBER,

Sephiroth:  ::Ducks:: Ahhh! Don’t hurt me!

> for things to change, you have to change and for things to get better, you have to get better.

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: What about people who just accidentally stumble upon
large sums of money?

> Order your materials today, and when they arrive,

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...they will be present at your home,
because they arrived that is.

> review everything thoroughly BEFORE calling your personal coach.

Aisha: So, they’re saying that I should review everything thoroughly
AFTER I call my personal coach, okay got it!

> Remember the importance of following directions- we are looking for people who are teachable and willing to work. We're very excited about our future

Ukyo: Well, I’m not excited about it.

> and we know you will be, too!! Until we speak personally, thank you and have a great day!

> Again please follow STEP 2: 

Ukyo:  ::Grunts:: Stop repeating this stuff!!!!

> To get started or request your decision package only after you have completed STEP 1 please call our international 24 hour order hotline at 1-206-222-2829. International callers and for United States, Canada, and Mexico callers please also dial 1-206-222-2829.

> © 2001 all rights reserved. This message is an advertisement

Sephiroth: Really? Is it? Who would have thought?

> sent to you with support and concent

Aisha: What’s a concent?
Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Oh, it’s time for Sephiroth’s misspelled words
corner! ::Pulls out said dictionary of said misspelled words:: Concent
(misspelling of Consent) - Noun. A penny that thinks is a con artist.
[The police officer just read the Miranda Rights to the concent].
Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Errrr, that doesn’t make it much sense...
Sephiroth:  ::Shrugs:: Well, you have to look at the word. Con is a
criminal, cent is money. Thus...concent means what it does...I guess.
Aisha: Yeah, I understood that. ::Facefaults::

> of an independent marketing company.

Ukyo:  ::Grumbles:: Stupid marketing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> Hello

Tasuki:  ::Imitating Mickey Mouse:: Hi!

> ==================================================

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Well, on the bright side we don’t have to deal with
E-Commerce anymore. On the not so bright side, we still have to deal
with the ‘Equal Sign Company.’

> SELL YOUR PRODUCTS

Sephiroth:  ::Looks around:: What products are they talking about?
Ukyo: I think they’re talking about your sword...
Sephiroth: NO! I will never sell anyone my sword, EVER!
Ukyo: Heh, actually I don’t know what they meant.
Sephiroth: Errr, oh.

> AND MAKE 'BIG MONEY'

Aisha: Oooooooh, *that’s* what kind of money you get from those big
Publisher’s Clearing House checks!

> $$$

Aisha:  ::Points at the screen:: That means dollars!
Ukyo: No kidding...

> WITH OUR EMAIL ADDRESSES

Tasuki: Why wouldn’t I be able to use an other person’s email address?
Aisha:  ::Imitating *THIS* company:: BECAUSE ::Voice echoes loudly::
THEIR ::Echo:: OURS! ::Echo::

> 70 MILLION HOT -

Sephiroth: Uh oh, I know what’s coming next. I saw these kind of
commercials before!
Ukyo: I don’t think it’s *that* kind of commercial Seph!
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating one of the girls from those ‘We are 18’
commercials:: But we are eighteen and looking for fun!
Ukyo: Baka!

> Fresh Email Addresses

Tasuki:  ::Imitating this new company:: ...right off the grill!

> and a Valuable 8 MILLION Remove List Of Known COMPLAINERS

::The voice of MV suddenly booms::
Voice of MV: Then why do all these guys send their spam to me?!?!?! I
complain about it all the time!!!
Aisha: Well, you have to complain to them...
Voice of MV: Errrr...I knew that!
Aisha: Sure ya did...
Voice of MV: Silence! I can always send more of this stuff!
Aisha: Okay, okay!
Voice of MV:  ::Cackles:: I love my life. ^_^
::The voice of Majin dissipates once again::

> And FREE Bulk Software

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: If it’s Bulk Software, can you get it from Sam’s Club?

> On CD FOR ONLY $74.95!!

Ukyo: I like how every company makes the cost sound so small.
Tasuki:  ::Nods:: Me too! ::Imitating a company like that:: And this new
pocket watch can be owned by you for ONLY $2,500,000.99 plus shipping
and handling!!!!!!
Ukyo: Yep...exactly like that. ::Blinks:: And they always have the end
the amount in an uneven number too.
Aisha: What crazy companies!

> Normally $149.00 SAVE 50% -
> We have SLASHED

Sephiroth:  ::Hums the track from Psycho where that guy is about to kill
that lady in the shower::
Tasuki: Sometimes you feel like a serial killer! Sometimes ya don’t!

> Our Prices Order Today!!
> This Offer Could End At Any Time!

> *****************************************************

Tasuki: Must *they* all do that? @_@

> TO ORDER BY PHONE

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...use a phone!

> USING A CREDIT CARD OR CHECK
>

Ukyo: Oh look, it’s Mr. Unexplained Space! Hi Mr. Unexplained Space!
Konnicha wa Unexplained Space-san! ::Waves at the screen::
Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Dude, this stuff is starting to get to us all.
Ukyo: Yes, I know...I *know!*
Sephiroth:  ::Imitating a director:: What kind of joke was that?!?!?!
You’re supposed to argue! Come on now, I didn’t hire you guys so I can
*not* make a scene! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
::Both Aisha and Ukyo punch Seph on the head once::
Sephiroth: @_@ Did anybody get the number on that bus?

> CALL OUR 24-HOUR ORDER DESK

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ....OR YOU WON’T BE LIVING MUCH
ANYMORE!

> 1-406-657-0772

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: They want us to call their 24-hour order desk
1-406-657-0772, why?
Sephiroth: 1-407-657-0772 was taken, of course!
Aisha: Er....oh....

> C A L L N O W !!!!!

T A S U K I: Y O U ‘ R E N O T S U P P O S E D T O S P A C E E V E R Y L
E T T E R I N Y O U R S E N T E N C E , S T U P I D C O M P A N Y !!!!

> ******************************************************

Ukyo: I think they make it a point to put those in to stir our homicidal
tendencies...
Tasuki: Yeah! ::Blinks:: Wait a second...who has homicidal tendencies?
Ukyo: Errr...I don’t know...
Sephiroth: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!
Tasuki:  ::Sweatdrops:: Nevermind.

> PLUS... A Priceless List Of

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ....the names of every cat in Chicago!

> Domain Owners That Complain To Your Upstream Provider And Keep On Complaining - Our list is from a bulk friendly ISP that knows which domains to stay away from.

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...E-Commerce.com, for example.

> Our list does not go overboard, but only contains true complainers. Our Remove List and Domain Owner Complainer List are worth well over $500.00 by themselves!!

Sephiroth: So? Do I care how much it’s worth?

> AND YOU'LL ALSO GET....

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...this brand new box of bubble gum
dental floss! It flosses, it tosses, it even tastes like gum...no, I
said gum, get your mind of the gutter!

> * 2 FREE

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...slaps in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Fully Functional BULK E-MAIL Software Programs
> * THE BULK EMAIL SURVIVAL GUIDE - Great for Experts and Beginners

Aisha: That book should really go on Opera’s recommended list, boy I tell
you!

> * Over 100 HOT Selling In Demand Reports - with Full RESALE RIGHTS
> * GREAT SELLING Software With Full RESALE RIGHTS
> * A List of NEWSGROUPS that are a literal GOLD-MINE!

Ukyo: Then they’d be a list of gold mines, not a list of NEWSGROUPS.

> * FREE Business Tools and Tutorials - that will help you in your current business or start one up [valued over $150.00]
> * HTML Tutorial and 2 Fully Functional Graphic Editors
> * FREE Fully Functional AWESOME

Sephiroth:  ::Shakes head sadly:: Stop trying to look cool to the younger
generation!

> Marketing Submission Software:  classifieds, newsgroups..
> * We have a HUGE list,

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...unfortunately. So that’s why
we’re giving it away! Everything must go! It’s Crazy List’s crazy list
sale! You can buy file sections for five bucks, you can buy databases
for only the low, low, low price of one dollar. *EVERYTHING* must
go!!!!!

> they are too many to list - Over 20 Software and E-Book Titles on this one CD!

> Also TRUE SOURCES For: 
> - BULK EMAIL ISP DIALUP Accounts
> - Foreign BULK Email Friendly Web Hosting Accounts
> - Reliable Blind Relay Servers
> - Good Sources Of Great Email Addresses
>
> THIS IS A LIMITED TIME OFFER!

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Good!

> You Will Receive All Of The Above FOR ONLY $74.95!

> Normally $149.00 SAVE 50% - We have SLASHED

Aisha:  ::Screams:: Ahhhhh, they’re killers!!!!!

> Our Prices Order Today!!
> This Offer Could End At Any Time!

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...and it hopefully will end soon.

> *****************************************************
>
> TO ORDER BY PHONE USING A CREDIT CARD OR CHECK
>

Tasuki: Ahhhhh, behold the power of spaces that don’t belong there.

> CALL OUR 24-HOUR ORDER DESK 1-406-657-0772

Aisha: Why do I have a sudden feeling of deju vu?
Sephiroth: Because they already said this stuff.
Aisha: Why do I have a sudden feeling of deju vu?
Sephiroth: Because they already said this stuff.
Aisha: Okay then.

> C A L L N O W !!!!!
>
> ******************************************************
>
> Our CD is a Must for anyone that wants

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...a CD, besides all the free AOL
ones, to throw at people!!!

> to Make BIG Money

Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: Why isn’t anybody interested in making lots of small
money? It’d add up a lot faster...

> On The Internet!

> This Awesome CD is not

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...really *that* awesome at all, in fact
it’s mostly futile!

> only jammed packed with 70 MILLION email addresses of INTERNET BUYERS, but also contains 2 fully functional bulk email software programs that you can immediately begin using to sell your products or services.

> Hey,

Sephiroth: What’s up?
Tasuki: Yo.
Aisha: Dude?
Ukyo: Want somethin’?

> do you need products to sell?

Aisha: Stop harassing me, I don’t have anything to sell and I don’t
*want* to sell anything!

> Well, we've got them. We also give you Proven, Hot Selling reports

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...guaranteed to get you an ‘A’ in
microbiology!

> and software that you can RESELL and KEEP ALL OF THE MONEY!

Tasuki:  ::Blinks:: Are they trying to tell me something? I lost it in
all of that emphasizing...
Sephiroth: I think they were talking about uhhh...keeping all of the
money.
Tasuki: Really? Wow, I hardly noticed.

Note: DON’T YOU GUYS HATE that over emphasizing? Well errrr...I DO! Yes,
there was no point to this entire note but there really never is...

> Not only that, but our CD contains

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ....uhhhh...information, dummy!

> a Valuable REMOVE List

Ukyo: REMOVE me from said list, N-O-W NOW!

> which will greatly reduce complaints that you would have received. Knowing who NOT to send email to is as important as knowing WHO to send email to!!!!

> These email addresses are FRESH

Aisha: Ahhhh, *just* like at Subway.

> and Super-Cleaned thru our 30+ Million Remove list with NO DUPLICATIONS! The files are in a .txt [text]

Sephiroth:  ::Facefaults:: No, we never heard of the .txt extension
before. Thanks for explaining that one to me.

> format, and grouped into bundles of approximately 100,000 email addresses in each file,

Sephiroth: Uhhhh...I’d say somebody has a bit *TOO* much time on their
hands.

> and zipped up for space and ease of use.

> If you don't already know, let me tell you,

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: We’re pompous morons and there hasn’t
been a funny joke in about ten pages!
::The voice of MV booms::
Voice of MV: Hold up!!!!!! ::Rap type music starts booming:: Oi! BAKA!!!
STOP THAT MUSIC! ::The music goes away:: Stupid music!!!! Oh yeah, I am
offended by your words Ukyo!!!
Ukyo: Uhhh...okay?
Voice of MV: Yes!!!! The only reason I’m offended is because I picked a
bunch of unfunny MSTers! Do you know what that means?
Ukyo: Errr...what?
Voice of MV: It means....THERE WILL BE MORE HIDEOUS TORTURE TO COME!
Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! ::The voice of MV then fades::
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrops:: Greeeeeat.

> Bulk Email Marketing is

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating the company:: ...the type of e-mail that you do
in bulk. This type of e-mail is usually ignored by the recipients,
because no one wants to read that crap.

> the most cost effective form of advertising and that's why you receive them every day.

Sephiroth:  ::Blinks:: Well, I wish they’d just go away and advertise on
TV like normal companies do.

> Just think.

Aisha:  ::Imitating a highly-advanced computer that can talk!::
Processing request. Thinking....thinking....thinking.
Tasuki: I really think that being up here for this long all ready is
starting to fry our brains...all ready.
Aisha: Process complete. I will now proceed to take over the world by the
most efficient means and destroy all humankind, mwahahahahaha!
Tasuki: Yep, I really think it is.

> If you have a $10 product and

Ukyo:  ::Imitating the company:: ...you sell it for $12, you will get
profit!

> only a tenth of a percent of these people buy your product, you will make well over 500,000 Thousand Dollars!

> All for a simple investment of $74.95 + $5.00 for Shipping.

Ukyo: Why can’t you just round the number up to $80.00 total? Why must
you make me break out ninety-five cents? Cretins!!!!

> You've seen other people charge $250 for only 10 million names. That means you would pay $1750.00 for 70 Million names. YOU ONLY PAY $74.95 + You'll Receive All Of The Other Great Bonuses Too!

> REMEMBER: 

Aisha:  ::Imitating the company:: ...WE’RE SELLING YOU SOMETHING YOU
CAN’T REFUSE, IF YOU DO YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!

> We Have SLASHED Our Prices
> For A Limited Time Only,
> So CALL Our 24 Hour Order Line NOW!

Sephiroth: They say repetition gets you to remember stuff, *BUT* I don’t
want to remember this! DIE!!!! ::Charges the screen with his blade::
::A loud alarm goes off and an computer-type voice booms::
Computer-Type Voice: Step away from the screen, step away from the
screen!
Sephiroth: D’oh! ::Backs off::
Computer-Type Voice: Thank you, and have a miserable day!!
>
> Normally $149.00 SAVE 50% -
> We have SLASHED Our Prices Order Today!!
> This Offer Could End At Any Time!

> *****************************************************

Tasuki:  ::Practically whining:: Is it almost over?????

> TO ORDER BY PHONE USING A CREDIT CARD
> OR CHECK

> CALL OUR 24-HOUR ORDER DESK
> 1-406-657-0772

> C A L L N O W !!!!!

> ******************************************************
> Shipping costs: 
> (within the US, 10 -14 business days) - $5.00

> International Shipping costs: 
> (typically 14 - 21business days) - $35.00

> *********************************************************Removal Option: 

Tasuki:  ::Looks up to the screen::Are they almost done yet?
Aisha: Almost Tasuki, almost. We’re almost out of here, honey.
Tasuki:  ::Facefaults:: DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!
Aisha: Errr...my bad. ::Sweatdrops::

> This message is emailed speech without prejudice.

Sephiroth: Well, without *their* prejudice. All of our prejudice is still
here.

> If you desire to be removed from our email list simply hit Reply

Sephiroth: Ready guys!
Ukyo: Right! ::Nods::
Tasuki: Yeah! ::Also nods::
Sephiroth: Good! Let’s go!
::Tasuki, Ukyo, and Seph proceed to walk off screen and make loud sounds
of punching and such::
Aisha:  ::Imitating ‘Reply’:: Ow you guys! That hurts! No, don’t do that!
Owie owie owie! I’m telling the Principal on you guys!!
::Seph, Tasuki, and Ukyo all walk back on screen::

> and send email with "Remove From List" in the Subject.Or Email: 

Aisha: What kind of stupid e-mail address is *that?*

> With "Remove From List" in the Subject.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> Are You Suffering

Tasuki: Well, I *do* have to read this stuff....so, yes I am!

> with Debt?

> Can't Sleep In Because of Harassing Phone Calls?

Sephiroth:  ::Imitating *THIS* company:: Forget how to delete messages?

> Or do you just want to reduce and pay off your all credit card bills?

> We can eliminate up to 60% of your debt through negotiations!

Aisha:  ::Blinks:: Using the mob for ‘negotiations’ doesn’t really
count....

> This is not a loan!!

> With this, YOU CAN: 

> * Pay off all your unsecured debts
> in 18 - 30 months*

Ukyo:  ::Sarcastically:: Hmmm, only 18-30 months? My, that’s not a long
time at all.

> * Cut your current credit card

Tasuki:  ::Imitating the company:: ...with our new ‘Credit Card Cutting
Scalpel of DOOM (tm)’, it’s guaranteed to cut any credit card
INSTANTLY!!!!

> payments up to 50%
> * Cut your credit card balances 40
> - 60%
> * Build savings each and every
> month
> * Stop creditor harassment

> *This does not apply to home or auto loans.

Aisha:  ::Imitating Nelson from the Simpsons because I’m running out of
material:: Hawha!

> Our process is successful 100% of the time!

> Want more information? -- CLICK HERE
>
>
>
> unsubscribe

Sephiroth: Yes, I want to unsubscribe! UNSUBSCRIBE ME NOW!!!

> ////////____

Tasuki: What the? Is that the...is that the end? I’m not seeing things am
I?
Ukyo:  ::Blinks:: No, it is the end! Hooray!
Tasuki: Great! I’m out of here!
::The four MSTers leave the screening room::

************

::Majin’s screen floats down and he looks at all of the MSTers::
MV: Greetings! I see you some how survived my first onslaught! I commend
you, that was some heavy stuff! Sooooo, are you guys having fun yet?
Aisha: What do you mean....fun?
MV: Well, you know...fun! As in, amusement park fun!
Aisha:  ::Facefaults:: Why would we be having fun?
MV: Because, well, I said so!
Ukyo:  ::Sweatdrops:: That makes no sense Majin.
MV: Oh, I know, I know!
Sephiroth: How long do we have to be here?
MV: A long, long, long, LONG time my friend! Maybe...FOREVER!
Sephiroth:  ::Looks blue in the face::
Ukyo: He’s just being melodramatic Seph, don’t worry about it.
MV: What’s melodrama?
Ukyo:  ::Falls over:: Or...not.
Tasuki: Oh yay, I can’t wait for the next thing we have to MST!
MV: Me either! ::Cackles::

***OWARI***

Yes, the end has come now! This is the end, the end, the end of this story. I bet you’re all ever so sad, because my MST had to end. Don’t worry minna-san, there will be more stupid MST antics to come...but only if you guys can fuel me with fodder! That’s right, I need your fics to MST! So, if you have something you can contribute...and can bear it being torn apart completely, e-mail me at:  hellmasterfibrizo@yahoo.com. That’d be all my friends. Review please?

Stinger Clip: Again I urge you to read this message to its fullest!